Confess on My Wayward Son

So I'm a selfish bitch who's ruined Christmas. All because I'm pissed and can't let go of a (albeit perfectly justified) grudge. Of course I feel guilty. Yes it's going to rattle in my head until I'm so tortured I relent. No I won't be happy about it. But I can't let my own feelings hurt other people's.

I can be forgiven for jumping off the deep end. I really thought I was being an arsehole. But he understands, completely. The only way I would ruin his Christmas is by not being here. He's been here before and he can't blame me any more than he can blame himself. I still feel bad but that's the self loathing, and the fact I really do not like hating other people, but unfortunately that dislike is there and justified and I feel it always will be.

you would think I'd be in a jolly mood rn with everyone being here and today being my last day of work before wedding/vacation...but I'm not. I don't know why.

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I'm scared to go back on Instagram because seeing even his lil icon might be triggering. I muted him before I deleted the app but I'm not sure if that'll be effective. But I want to get it back to highlight the weekend...

Oh joy. -_- But if only though.

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I think my ultimate fan theory is that Kylo is able to literally warp the Force to an audible sound. He's the strongest Force user we've seen, change my mind.

I don’t even think God could love that child. If He does, then He knows how hard it is to. So, I hope He’s understanding of me when I struggle to find any reason to. That boy is one of the definitions of a kid from hell.

"I pay for everything"

Oh really? You pay for my phone bill? You pay for my medical bills? You pay for my accounts that require monthly payments, I could go on for everything you don't pay for.

"All you do is sit on your ass and do nothing!"

Then I wouldn't have a job. I wouldn't be going to the doctors. I wouldn't be going to treatment. Again, I can really go on with that.

"Well I'm frustrated and had enough."

That's fine. There are completely other ways to go about it than continue to be an emotionally abusive asshole.

I think my biggest problem in life is that I fall in love with everything. Ideals, cities, games, movies, routines, people. I love it all. And right now I'm head over heels for a pair of baby blues who keeps sending me selfies.

I’m really trying to dodge drama in this house. But the bullets keep flying. It’s like it’s impossible to end the day with no scars, because everyone is just so different. It sucks that none of us are on the same page or a unit. Even family bonding time feels like an imitation because we’re still on shaky ground. But I guess that’s the meaning of dysfunctional families.

I miss you.

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I made the mistake of unblocking my ex on Facebook and found out him and the girl he got with straight after me are still together. Good for them, I guess. I shouldn't compare my experiences to his but I can't help but be a lil salty that his life isn't a pathetic mess like I imagined it to be. I can't help but a be a petty lil bitch sometimes.

Maybe this is why I'm so miserable all the time.

I'm four chapters away from finishing Wonderland now. It's surreal because I've been working on it for a year and this is the hardest I've ever worked on a piece of writing. I'm proud but also about to have a crisis lol.

I have a spending addiction. When I feel depressed I spend money. But after the high I just feel even more depressed and then stupid for spending my money on needless crap.

"no silent reading." I get it, it bugs people but it's not something you can control. If i have nothing to say, then why comment?

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Could've sworn I posted in here yesterday and now my post is gone? confused but okay.

anyways, I don't get why everyone seems to be in a rush to go absolutely nowhere. I was driving last night and I struggle to see at night as is, but screaming "Fuck you" when you pass me is pretty childish. Did that make you feel better about yourself?

That was an invasion of privacy, and I don't care if you see this or not. Just to let you know you should've talked it over instead just throwing us under the bus to be yelled at so yeah. Kudos to you for that, for avoiding talking to me and trying to understand it all.

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one of my resolutions is to travel every single month

I got January down (North Carolina) and for February, we wanted to do Mexico BUT THE PLANNING IS SO HARD. Everyone lives in different states and tickets are so expensive for each city we're trying to look up. Ugh just pls