Confess on My Wayward Son

the god of thunder.:

Sexuality is a spectrum, for example, when I see Prudence Night my sexuality dial goes SKRRRT.

I was about to bitch about something but then saw this and cackled and proceeded to forget what the fuck I was about to bitch about

I need to get over this. I need to. It hit me that I don't remember who I used to be before my mental illnesses became like 80% of my personality. I've always been kind of maudlin and dour, I get that from my dad. But I don't know who I really am anymore and I need to start building a brand new me, pretty much from the ground up and at 26, that's hard to do. I didn't realise quite how lost I was.

I'm not as sad as I thought I would be and I don't really know why? Maybe I'm too used to handling rejection at this point? I don't know.

But don't get me wrong. This still sucks.

2018 has legitimately been the worst year of my life and I so cannot wait for it to be over.

I genuinely think that the ghost of Christmas Stress has stolen my inspiration and hidden it somewhere... I JUST WANT TO WRITE DAMN IT!

I wanna curl up and go to sleep for awhile but that's impossible because i'd be up all night if i did that.

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Wait, wait, wait... let me get this straight. You, who mentally abused me for almost four years, who put me through so much heartache, who faked a pregnancy and a miscarriage and blamed me for "stressing you out" (with your own mother telling me you weren't pregnant), who told me that I was a bad friend / "toxic" on more than one occasion for trying my hardest to ignore your bullshit and focus on the good that I thought was in you, who told me I deserved everything that had happened to me, and deserve everything bad that will come.You want back in my life, after you told me to, what was it, go die, In 2014? Four, almost five, years and you message me on Facebook explaining that you're married now, you've changed, you've graduated uni and you're a better person.

I firmly believe that people can change, and people can mature and better themselves. But you're the reason why I'm always so clingy to friends I make, you're the reason I'm constantly anxious that people say one thing to me and another behind me back, you're the reason why I think I'm bothering my friends when I message them. And you gotta understand, you were everything to me, you were my first best friend and it turns out you were a wolf in sheep clothing during that nice act you put on for the first six months before showing those washed out true colours of yours. But after everything you said, everything you did, every little seed of self hatred and doubt that you planted into my head, which still bloom now - it's turned me against you for the rest of my life, and I never, ever will let you back in. I'm happy for you; I'm glad you're married, I'm glad you graduated uni, I'm happy for you, but please just... go away.

But that's the reaction you want, isn't it?

-

Reconnected with an ancient friend....I dont think we've talked in at least 12 years. This is weird.

I’m so head over heels for this guy and I don’t know what to do.

I've decided to join a writing workshop. I need feedback on Wonderland so might as well get it through there. Apparently there's a huge one here in Phoenix and they meet every single week like clockwork. Hopefully my social anxiety won't make me flake lol.

Aaaand this is why we have self-entitled children in the world... because of parents like you enabling him to act like a 4-year-old being told what to do at his age... Yep.

I'm 7 chapters away from finishing what will be my first self-published ~novel~ and I'm both excited and really scared lol. But hey it seems I'm most productive when people break up with me so I guess that's the only good to come from that...

So it's hard for me to focus on doing anything rn. My brain's just going a million miles a minute and i wish it would slow down.

@ Angelic Dragon Fae

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I shouldn’t be the one who gets upset when my younger family members are disrespectful to me, because I’ve been disrespectful to my elders in front of them. It’s what I taught them. I better not have any children, because the hell I possibly gave my great grandpa and mom for raising my voice at them those two times must have been heart breaking. I defintely felt heart break when Malachi raised his voice at me and doesn’t choose to listen to me. I realize now that I need to be more respectful to people who are older than me. I mean, I feel like I am...but I REALLY need to be even MORE respectful. Because I know how it feels now to not have that respect. As far as my younger siblings go and my younger cousins...I’m not their mom. So, they don’t respect me and won’t respect me because their own parents barely give them any rules or boundaries. All of this is making me rethink working with children. I’m afraid of being a horrible teacher that no kids respect or even like. But I don’t want to quit this. I just want to -sigh- I don’t even know.

@ VixL
I think most of the time our work place lives and home lives will differ, while you may think you may not be able to work with kids because of how your relationship and actions towards/with your siblings and cousins are/is, both of those tend to be different. So still give working with the kids at the daycare a chance. You just might learn something about them and from them that you can teach to your younger siblings/relatives, and kids if you want some in the future! DOn't give up too soon! <3

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Meep, why am I able to focus on stuff at night more than I can during the day?

Oh now this, this is fun. He's so innocent.

I woke up at 10! And only took an hour to rise! I was up before noon, something worked and I didn't ignore it!

It's kind of sad I'm excited about that, or it would be if sleeping late wasn't one of my biggest depressive habits and beginning to conquer that gives me more hope than most other molehills I've scaled. I have to take pride in these things instead of undermining them as something I should know. All that does is continue the cycle of being hard on myself which stops any self esteem building. I need to be gentler with myself and that's slow learning, I've hated myself for so long I don't quite know how to love myself. But as scary as it is to learn, it's also quite exciting.

Gotta be more positive. A PMA isn't everything, but it bloody well helps.

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No. Make a deal that doesn't suck, or let us change our mind. No Deal is not an option. We're poor enough, please don't make that worse.

ew I saw my ex on Hinge *insert vomit emoji*

I mean, at least this isn't 7 months ago when I would have been triggered lol. Better pure and utter disgust than uncontrollable mess lol.