Confess on My Wayward Son

damn snow....

I can't believe it's been 1 whole year since she passed away

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feeling very neuro-Atypical tonight lmao ;-;
just gonna write about my beloveds bearing my own disorders to try to work things out at a distance.
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bad habbits succcccccc

I feel like I'm not really a person.
Like...I'm just not
I know logically I am.
But it's like, if I'm not like the others, then what the hell am I?

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I got punched in the face at work and it hurts.

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Now a steady alcoholic.

I dont like the snow. I hope it all melts away soon because it's cold as hell and of course there'd be a draft coming from the window...

I dreamed that I was in a real man's body, bulky and wide, in bed with my boyfriend. It felt so right.

Breaking out some sweat feels really good.

It's cold. Why hasn't this snow melted yet! D:

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Again, the dogs woke me up and i can't say anything without her trying to remind me that if the dogs were gone, i'd miss them. Yeah, i would miss them but it's not fair that your "son" gets to sleep in without anyone bothering him while i have to wake up early just to take care of eight dogs, which two are only mine (Well, one is mine and the other is one i share with grandpa but still!).

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I didn't mean to be lazy about writing yesterday. I feel good about having stuck with some of my resolutions so far. Writing wise at least. I still need to read more books though...

I am so sick that it's unbelievable.

But I really hate that people assume your sick because of the amount of "partying" you've done. Newsflash I haven't touched alcohol since NYE. How come me going out for the weekend means i'm gonna be drinking?

Once my laundry is done, i'm putting on netflix and taking a nap.

I can't help but be a little upset about this? But I don't want to be outwardly upset because then it'll cause pressure and that's what I've been trying to avoid this whole time. But I didn't know it would affect anything that much so now I regret ever saying anything, but not because it wasn't reciprocated but that it changed some stuff.

Idk I just feel worse than I did before and I wanna take it back.

I came on to get some old photos to show someone the old me, I got smacked in the face with the nostalgia.
I miss this place.

I should never have eaten that spicy pickle, it's giving me heartburn... maybe it was too hot... too spicy...

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I told my self i wouldn't be bothered by anything anyone does anymore because being bothered by every little thing doesn't help things any and nothing's gonna change with them. So its best to ignore it.

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For someone who said they wanted to talk with me and get to know me, you sure haven't been very talkative. You haven't answered any of my messages since i asked how he was and what's causing his "disease." I'm beginning to wonder if it's him pretending to be his mother and trying talk to me, idk. I"m about to block you either way because that bomb shell was too much and if they really wanted to talk with me, they would've found a way of contacting me and everyone would've made more of an effort. I'm not just gonna sit here and just open up to you like we've been family all our lives. I already have a family and i dont need him, you or anyone else from your family.

7 years has gone by so fast.

End of clinical day one. Exhausted. Only took a set of vitals. My mantra: 10 more times. Just 10 more times. call me a nerd but for my own method of journaling about clinical, which i can already understand why my professors reccomend it so highly, I'm probably going to warp it into some form of thorki where loki is a nurse.

I never knew what it was like to be happy until I met him. The amount of awe in my eyes when I look at him is truly unbelievable. Hope this lasts.

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I think no matter what I'm still gonna feel constant embarrassment every time I look at his face because I feel even stupider than I did before. At least before, I didn't know he had been thinking about it this whole time and I could just assume he forgot, but now that I do know, it's gonna always be on my mind too. Like, is he thinking about it rn as we watch The Office on his TV? Is he thinking about rn as we go to Raising Cane's? Is he thinking about rn as we snapchat each other????

I just don't really know what to do about it anymore because I'm scared he's gonna feel pressured and that's exactly what I don't want to happen.

This mango smoothie seems to be making me feel a lot better. So did that hour nap earlier. Maybe tomorrow i'll b even better. Hoping nyquil knocks me out harder than it did last night.

Supposed to be getting my period soon too. Let's just add that to the list of issues, right?

I feel another panic attack coming on and all I can keep thinking about is how I wish I had never met him! I wish I never fucking met my ex. He showed me love, but he also brought me back to a dark place that I never wanted to be in again! I couldn't get rid of his pictures from my iCloud, yet. So I went back to look at them and I started crying. I remember the beginnings of us. How we were...so eager to see each other, but also cautious, and then we truly let ourselves fall into each other.

I hate this so much. I hate that my first legit love turned out like this. I will, to this day, tell everyone that this was my most/first/greatest love. Despite everything, he was my everything. He was all of that to me.

I hate feeling like this right now. I hate this so much.