Confess on My Wayward Son

Look I'm not trying to start shit at all, I'm only a Mibbian who's pretty disappointed by how things are being taken care of, and am hoping the fellow users that felt some serious discomfort and a little apprehensive to log in today....but if I was getting reports, best believe I'd be on that.

I'm so tired of this.

Lord, child, do not pull that "I need help cleaning my room" bullshit. You want me to "help" you by actually doing all of the work. No.

@ Alsoldey
lol same

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It's weird to think about how you're no longer in my life. You went from being in it every single day for 4 months, to vanishing into thin air. I mean, it was my choice and I'm glad I did it because it would've drove me nuts seeing your life without me in it, but it's just taking some time getting used to. One of these days, I'm gonna see something and it won't make me think of you.

I'm so tired of this. I'm so fucking tired of this. You're tearing things apart and you don't even see it, and then you twist it around back onto me so you know what? Okay. Just... okay. You win. I really do give up now.

Im all for it, in all honesty. But it has to go both ways.
If someone's gotta go for it, the other has to as well.
You can't edit stuff and pretend it's gone.
Screenshots are a beautiful thing. I'll decide whether or not I want to use them. In all honesty, it wouldn't do anything. I know that, and pettiness is my issue with you, so I can't let myself submit to the same thing despite how eagerly I wish for it to happen just so everyone remembers exactly what is supposed to happen.

You win. Is that what you need to hear? Is that what you needed after all this time? For someone to tell you that you fucking win? You have worn us down to nothingness. You have taken everything we could ever give and you've thrown it back. So you win. You've taken everything. You've worn him down into nothing, you've pulled apart our relationship at the seams, you've abused us until we broke. You win. You took everything. You've cut that thin thread we survived on for years and you're to blame for the thread being so thin in the first place, so you fucking win. Congratulations. I hope it was worth it. I hope everything was worth it and you got exactly what you wanted. I hope our misery truly makes you happy because I don't see what else you could have seen coming out of this. And you know what? You don't get to be the fucking martyr, the victim. You don't fucking get that. Even your own mother knows what you're like. You don't get to manipulate him into leaving so you can play victim. You leave. You pack your fucking bags and you go live with your mom and you do whatever you want. You still win, don't you? No more husband, no more kids, no more responsibility. It's a win-win. Everything for nothing, and you don't have to share. So please. Just fucking go. You've done all the damage you can fucking do. There's no going back after tonight.

I wish he wouldn't have stopped you tonight. I wish he didn't love you so he'd let you go. He deserves better. He should have fucking just let you leave, but he said it himself. He wouldn't forgive himself if he had. Because he actually cares. What a strange concept, huh?

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I need this dissociation. I need this. I need to drop off the face of the planet. I need to stop existing. I need to just leave. I don't care if I get self-destructive anymore. I can't be here right now and the only option there is to just check out lol. I don't want to be here. So hope no one needs me lmao. Doubt it. I was due for another episode.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
fuck

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I don't know why I didn't sign up to go to Pentagram except I totally do and it's because I thought my friend didn't want me to come and tbh it seems like that's the theme for the past week is being not wanted in places LOL fuck I hate myself sometimes and I was meant to put my storyboard on my blog but the tutors have already seen it without the storyboard and I actually have so many supporting things and I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T FUCKING PUT ALL MY SKETCHBOOKS IN MY BOX THAT WOULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH EASIER???? I've just made a series of shite decisions this week and this weekend.

Made a yearly plan for after surgery and I feel so much better about it.

Tomorrow is week seven and then I only wake up at 4am four more times. Thank. The. Lord. This has been the semester from hell. The stress is beyond the point of burned out. I can't even stress anymore. I'm at a constant level of stress, anything expressed along the idea of that would be considered a mental breakdown. Hahahahahaha

-

It's kind of pathetic I let it get me down this much, but... here I am.

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Christ. Am I really that forgettable?

i just keep gaining weight and I'm so disgusted with myself. Thyroid issues suck.

I'm so nervous. It's 2 days away, and I'm so nervous.

I remembered my dream again last night.

You were there again. I don't know if it was back then or if it was seeing you again there all these years later. I couldn't hear anything. I just saw you smiling. It was as if I was there, but I wasn't. Does that make any sense? I don't even know if it does. My dreams never do. It's a rare day that I remember them at all. Sometimes I think I don't even dream. But I guess I do. Sometimes.

Do they mean anything? I like to think they do.

I get out of bed at 10 at night after falling asleep at 8 and I wake up to you giving me attitude for no reason? Look i get it, you're cranky. So am I. We didn't go to bed until 12:30 in the morning then got up at 530. But that doesn't give you the right to treat me the way you did.

I took my car too. You don't deserve to drive her after the way you treated me this morning. Have a good day at work. Chances are i'll end up leaving you there. :')

why am i doing this again?

it's been almost a year since I saw you and I fucking dreamt about you last night, the same dream it always is, that we're there and we just know because we're connected and you make me feel like I deserve to be here, because you think I'm beautiful, even though I've been inherently ugly to every person for my entire life. I hurt when I wake up, because I'll never see you again, and you're the only person that has ever stayed on my fucked-up mind, because usually it's so easy to block those feelings out. Did you care for me? Or am I confusing myself again with my imagination? I think you did. I think you scared me because of what was there without being forced, and I think I scared you, and I think that's why we made it so that there was no way to contact each other. But all I feel is fucking lonely, so isolated, trapped within my skull, plagued by thoughts, always inherently alone. I hate romantic feelings. This is why I don't let myself have them. I'm better off accepting that it will always just by my head and I.

Maybe I wouldn't be so fucking pathetic if I was used to people thinking I was worth something. And why, with all the shit that's going on, am I even thinking of you? If I ever did see you again, I'd pretend not to give a shit anyway. Why do I hate myself so damned much that I just assume everyone will eventually realise that I'm worthless? How do I even know that you didn't already see that? I don't trust my mind.

EDIT: and now I feel vulnerable and pathetic and I want to delete all of this. God I have intimacy issues, ha.

mind @ self: don't be fucking ridiculous and fool yourself that you could ever be beautiful to anyone, that you could ever be wanted. You're you, you'll always be you.

Stop pitying yourself Ashleigh, omg. Just keep walking. You got 'em fooled, gal, you can fool yourself.

i can't seem to write today but yet the urge to do so is there. The woes of being a writer. :/

I can't watch one episode of Chicago Fire without bawling my eyes out.

*screaming* WHY CAN'T I THINK OF A SOLID FRICKIN IDEA?!?