I Know It Breaks Your Heart

Being here was both the best and the worst thing that Zacky had decided to do today. He was seeing everything that he could have had one day what he could have had if he hadn't gone up and screwed his life up by making all the wrong decisions. But the saying went that the road to hell was paved with good intentions. Zacky bit back a sigh as he looked down at the scar that Maddy presented to him. A frown formed on his lips as his thumb brushed over the scar before he pulled away from the little girl. 'You have to be more careful, sweetheart. Princesses can't get hurt!" He exclaimed, setting a hand over his heart as if feigning pain at just the thought.

Zacky was quick to lift the potatoes in one hand and the pitcher of koolaid in the other before heading over to the table. He set both down before returning to help Emily with any remaining dishes that still needed to be brought over to the table.

Zack was somewhat hopeful that since he was staying with dinner, that maybe Maddy would forget about the tea party that he had promised her and he would be able to escape without having to do it. It wasn't that Zacky didn't want to but he already knew that his would be painful for him to walk away from to begin with, spending any more quality time with the little girl would just make the situation even worse.

"So, Maddy," Zacky started, hesitating as he looked over to her. "What other kinds of kool aid do you like? You have to like cherry, right?!"

[[by the way, this is how I imagine Maddy looking, with Zacky's eyes of course ]]

Emily couldn't help but smile as she watched Zacky with Maddy. She's warmed up to him so quickly and he was so good with her that it was almost like he'd never been gone. Like he hadn't missed the first three years of her life because of his bad decisions, hadn't missed all of her firsts because of the life he'd chosen to lead. And if it weren't for that life, Emily would have no problem inviting Zacky back into her and Maddy's lives, because not only was being around Zacky helping Emily see that he would have been an amazing father, but it was also making her realize that her feelings for Zacky had never quite disappeared. She still harbored a bit of love for the Zacky who had run away to California with her, the one who had made her feel like a queen when they barely had twenty dollars to their names.

Emily carried the chicken over to the table and started to cut Maddy's into small pieces, dumping a small mound of potatoes onto her plate and pouring her a little kool-aid into a glass. "Now you remember the rules don't you, baby?" Emily said as she fixed her own plate. "No toys or games after supper unless you eat at least half of everything."

"'Kay," Maddy answered, her mouth already full of chicken. She grinned when she heard Zacky speaking to her, obviously enjoying the attention. "Nope, just the strarry kiwi kind!" she exclaimed, and Emily laughed at the cute little way she butchered the pronunciation of strawberry. "But we have some next time if you like it, Mr. Zack." Maddy smiled widely at him. "I drink it." As dinner drew to a close, Emily began to wonder if Maddy remembered that Zacky had promised her that he would play tea party with her. The toddler had a selective memory, so there was never any telling.

"So what are we going to do after supper, Maddy?" Emily asked as she cleared their plates.

"Tea party!" Maddy chirped.

(pretty much what I imagined! )

Zacky bit back a groan at his first bite of potatoes. While he was no stranger to well cooked meals out at restaurants, he honestly couldn't have told you when the last time that he ate a home cooked meal was. He was always busy doing something, always too busy to stop long enough to actually cook a meal that he would be able to enjoy. His eyes closed as he said a silent thanks for being able to enjoy the food in front of him. It would likely be the last time for a long while but he would enjoy what he could. "It's delicious, Em," Zacky spoke between mouthfuls, barely hearing Maddy's reply to his question.

He turned toward her and offered a warm smile as he shook his head. "No, sweetheart. Strawberry kiwi is still the best, I just thought you might have liked the cherry, too. Have you ever made popsicles with them?"

Zacky's brows rose as he looked toward Emily when she spoke to Maddy, saying a silent prayer that Maddy didn't remember his promise. As horrible as it was, Zacky thought it would likely be best. That way she wouldn't grow any more attached than she already was. That way he wouldn't grow any more attached to the little girl than he already was. Zacky wanted nothing more than to whisk both Maddy and Emily away to a world where they didn't have to worry about anything. He knew he could - but there would still be a danger lurking regardless of where he took them.

Sighing at the thought, Zacky tugged his bottom lip between his teeth at Maddy's answer. "I can stay for a little bit but I can't stay too late, okay? Maybe just one cup of tea," Zacky explained as gently as he could, hoping that he wouldn't end up upsetting her. That wasn't his intention by any means but then, if Maddy was anything like either of her parents, she loved and felt with every fiber of her being.

Emily could instantly tell that Maddy was disappointed when Zacky said that he couldn't stay long. But it really was for the best, because Emily didn't want her getting any more attached to Zacky than she already was. Who knew how long he would actually stick around? Emily assumed that once the trust fund was in order, Zacky would be gone again, never to return. It stung a little, to be teased with this idea of the perfect little family she'd always dreamed of only to have it snatched away again, but Emily knew having Zacky around wasn't a good idea. Who knew what sorts of danger he might bring into their lives? Emily had left because she didn't want to put herself in that sort of danger and now that Maddy was in the picture...she wanted to stay as far away from that life as possible.

"Why don't you go and get your tea set from your room, sweetheart?" Emily suggested to Maddy. "And you can set it up while Mommy cleans up the kitchen." Maddy nodded and hurried off to her room, and Emily could hear her digging through her toy chest. Emily went about clearing the table, scraping the leftovers into Tupperware containers to go into the fridge. Chicken and mashed potatoes were one food Maddy wasn't picky about, so it was nice to have to it eat sometimes instead of mac and cheese or fishsticks. "I appreciate you sticking around for a little while, Zack," Emily said softly, leaning against the counter and looking at Zacky. "As much as I know that it's not a good idea for her to get too attached to you, I know it would break her heart if you broke your promise to her. And I know you probably didn't want to stay any longer than you had to, so thank you."

Zacky was quiet as he watched Maddy scamper off to her bedroom. His heart swelled as he bit down on the inside of his lip. He wanted to follow after her, he wanted to be in her life. He didn't want her to ever wonder what it would be like to have a loving father in her life and he certainly didn't want her to ever wonder why. Wonder if she was unwanted by him because that simply wasn't the truth. Zacky cleared his throat, looking up when Emily began clearing the table. With a deep breathe, he stood and began to gather what dishes were left on the table, doing his best to help her with clearing the table. Zacky was quiet, his shoulders pulling together when she began to speak. It was an uncomfortable situation enough as it was, why couldn't she just leave it alone? Zacky opened his mouth to snap at her before he pushed the thought down. This wasn't his work, far from it. And with little Maddy only a few rooms away? He couldn't do that. So instead, he gave a shrug of his shoulders.

"I'll probably drop off some money for food in the next few days," Zacky muttered, glancing up when he heard Maddy's footsteps and the undeniable clanging of her tea set. He turned toward the hallway, kneeling down when his daughter appear. Setting his arm down on his knee, he leaned forward to take the pieces from Maddy.

"What kind of tea are we having today, sweetheart?" Zacky inquired, raising an eyebrow.

Emily could sense the tension and irritation flowing from Zacky, noticed the way his shoulders bunched together. She frowned. She didn't have to let him stay. She could force him to leave, say she didn't want his money or his damn trust fund and that he didn't deserve to see Maddy. But she knew that would make Maddy unhappy, and until Zacky offered a reason to be completely shut out, Emily saw no problem in letting him see his daughter occasionally. "I don't need your money for food, Zack," Emily said, her tone a bit short. "I'm not a charity case you can donate to just to make yourself feel better." In reality, Emily probably could use a bit of money to put a little food in the fridge, but she still had a little pride left. She didn't want Zacky to think he could use money to expunge his guilt, if he had any at all. Emily would've said something else, something a bit more apologetic, but then Maddy was in the room, pushing her little plastic tea cart with the happiest smile Emily had ever seen on her face.

"Princess tea!" Maddy exclaimed, answering Zacky's question. On top of the tea cart was a tiara, a bit worse for the wear, and the toddler handed this to Zacky. "Put on, Mr. Zack!" She watched expectantly until Zacky settled the tiara on his head, and Emily couldn't help but snicker at the sight. Maddy happily set up the tea set on the floor in front of Zacky, humming an unknown tune as she poured the fake tea into the little plastic cups. "Here," she handed a cup to Zacky. "Gots to hold your pinky finger out, Mr. Zack, it's more fancy!" Next she handed a cup to Emily. "Have tea, Mommy!" she shouted.

"But I don't have a crown," Emily pointed out with a smile as she sat Indian-style on the floor.

Maddy seemed to think for a moment. "You the queen," she said. "The queen no need a crown."

Zacky heard the snicker that Mady seemed to not pick up on. When Maddy turned to grab the teapot, he tossed a glare over his shoulder, directed toward Emily. He huffed before turning back just in time for Maddy to produce the tea cup. He took it, holding it delicately as he glanced over, watching Emil sit down. When she settled down, he took a moment to long around their tiny little circle. Zacky couldn't help the hint of a frown that crossed his features before it disappeared. It seemed with every movement that any of them took, he was reminded of what he could have had. This family that he had been trying to provide for in the beginning. Before his life took a complete turn for the worse. He'd tried to explain it to Emily, when she found out, but the girl hadn't taken to his explanation and as much as he wanted to, Zacky couldn't bring himself to blame her.

Zacky cleared his throat, lifting the cup slowl. He made a slurping sound, lifting his pinky into the air. "So, Miss Maddy, if she is the queen, what does that make me?"

Leaning back long enough for him to switch his legs around, Zacky smiled as Maddy answered his question. Clearing his throat, Zack glanced over to Emily for a moment before returning his attention to the little girl that was the entire reason theyy were here. Zacky couldn't help help but wonder if Emily would have even bothered to say hi to him if Maddy didn't exist. It was a question he wanted to ask but now wasn't an appropriate time by any means.

"So what does princess tea taste like, Maddy?"

Emily didn't miss the glare that Zacky sent her way after she'd giggled at him wearing the crown. She didn't know if he was being playful or not, because she was sure that he wouldn't be used to anyone laughing at him. He was surely used to respect and people doing every last thing he said. It was one of the reasons she'd left years ago. She could never stomach the idea of her sweet Zacky, the one who held her when she was scared of a thunderstorm or kissed her tears away, could order someone around so ruthlessly. "Mommy the queen, you the king, Mr. Zack!" Maddy squealed happily. "And I da princess! That why we have princess tea."

Emily noticed how Zacky frowned as he looked around their smll circle. She could almost see the longing in his eyes, and truthfully, she felt it, too. Now that Zacky was back and Emily had seen what they could've had, she wished more that anything that this was real, that they were an actual family. Sitting her now, it felt like a fraud. They weren't really a family, and they never could be. Emily would never feel right having Zacky around Maddy knowing the kind of life that he lived, no matter how much she realized she wanted him back in her own life. "Princess tea taste like candy!" Maddy exclaimed. She picked up her teapot, reaching over to pour more into Zacky's glass and then her own.

"I think this is going to be our last glass okay, baby?" Emily said. Maddy pouted. "It's getting late. I'm sure Mr. Zack is ready to go home."

Zacky nodded at Maddy's description of their tea, not the least bit surprised by what she said. He hadn't really considered what princess tea may taste like in the past, no, but now that he thought about it, candy seemed to be like the perfect description to him. Princesses were spoiled little girls who had the world ahead of them - like Maddy did. Even if the young girl didn't realize that just yet, she was going to be able to do just about anything she wanted in the future. In or out of her life, it didn't matter to Zacky, he was going to make sure that she could do anything she wanted in life. If she wanted to travel and be acquainted with the world around her or if she wanted to go right into schooling, she would. Just looking at his little girl, that was all Zacky needed for him to be able to promise that to her.

Finishing up their cups, Zacky set his down and leaned over to wrap his arms around Maddy. "I'll see you again tomorrow, okay? I'll bring some ice cream if your Mom says okay, okay, princess?" He teased quietly. He ruffled her hair before pushing to his feet.

Clearing his throat, Zacky turned to face Emily. His eyes met hers for a moment before they dropped to the papers that he reached for. "I'll stop by tomorrow night. Give you a call before I do, okay? If that works for you." Zacky hoped that she would agree. He wasn't about to linger on why because it was bound to bring up emotions that he didn't want to deeal with. Ones that he had locked away in the far reaches of his mind - ones he was happy to leave where they were.

"Then it'll drop off after that. Can pretend I don't... exist," Zacky muttered the last word with a shrug of his shoulders.

It melted Emily's heart to see Zacky with his arms around Maddy, and it also made her heart ache with sadness. She had no doubt that he could be an amazing father to Maddy, and if he weren't involved in the business that he was, Emily wouldn't hesitate to let Zacky into their lives. But with his line of work, there were so many things that were out of his control and she just couldn't stomach the thought of something happening to her little girl because she'd let her emotions cloud her common sense. Emily handed her tea cup back to Maddy and told her to go and put her toys away, turning to Zacky as he spoke. "Tomorrow night is fine with me," Emily replied softly. She knew seeing Zacky again so soon would make Maddy happy, so she saw no reason to shun him for now.

Emily frowned at his next comment. "I think you and I both know that that's never going to happen," she said. "Maddy's already gotten too attached to you, it would absolutely break her heart if you just stopped showing up." And Emily hated to think that she would never see Zacky again, even if that's what she'd thought years ago when she walked away from him. But seeing him again, seeing him with Maddy...it had brought to the surface feelings that Emily had been repressing for four years, feelings that she needed to continue to repress unless she wanted her heart broken. "Come and tell Mr. Zack bye, Maddy," Emily said, hearing the toddler coming down the hall.

Maddy hurried into the living room, wrapping her arms tightly around Zacky's left leg. "Bye bye, Mr. Zack," she said, looking up at him. "Thank you for having princess tea with me and Mommy!"

"We'll see you tomorrow, Zack," Emily said, taking Maddy's hand and moving her away from Zacky.

---

"Maddy, you need to get your shoes on now, Mommy's going to be late for work!" Emily shouted at Maddy, who was absolutely refusing to put her shoes on.

"No!" Maddy shrieked. She threw one at Emily. "I no wanna go to daycare!"

"Well too bad, because you have to," Emily said, picking up the shoe. She went to Maddy and forced the shoe onto the toddler's foot, doing the same with the second one. "Now why don't you want to go to daycare?"

"It donut day for daddies," Maddy said, looking at Emily with a sad look on her face. She sniffled. "And I no have a daddy."

[wow I wrote a lot, I'm sorry ]

It was such a stupid idea, Zacky knew it was. Before the idea was even solidly in his mind, there was no way to deny that showing up at Maddy's daycare was an awful idea. He had been going through the papers, reading over the information that Emily had filled in, some about the daughter he didn't know. What he had thought was just another page of paperwork turned out to be the complete opposite of what he'd been expecting to skim over. The paper had little detail other than the date, the time, and location of daddies and doughnuts. Zacky couldn't call himself Maddy's dad, he damn well knew it, but he hoped that by showing up, he would cheer his little girl up even just a little bit.

Zacky looked down at his body, smoothing his hand down over his shirt to try and help even out the nerves racing through him. He was standing off to the side of the entrance to Maddy's daycare, a small bouquet of flowers ready to be handed to her He wondered how Emily would react, if she would shout and tell him that he shouldn't be here. And he wouldn't have been able to blame the woman if she did.

Sighing, Zacky reached up and rubbed his cheek harshly. His second thoughts were beginning to win over on his hope to see Maddy's smile again. He looked up, starting to turn back to his suv parked in the far corner of the lot when he spotted Emily pulling in. He drew in a deep breathe, squaring his shoulders as he straightened up. When he spotted Maddy, Zacky waited until the little girl noticed him before smiling himself.

Whatever choice Zacky had made was now irrelevant. "Morning, princess," he teased softly as he knelt down to meet her level. He held out the flowers to her, his smile only growing at her excitement. "I know I'm not your daddy," speaking the words felt like he was being punched right in the gut. "But I thought you might like to have some doughnuts with me?"

Maddy cried and sniffled the entire ride to the daycare center, and it absolutely broke Emily's heart. This wasn't the first year that the daycare had had the donuts for dads event, but this was the first year that Maddy was old enough to understand that she didn't have a dad to bring. Well, she did, but Emily knew that asking Zacky to come along was a bad idea, a stupid idea. She didn't need to give Maddy any more excuses to get attached to Zacky. "After I pick you up, we'll go to McDonald's, would you like that?" Emily asked as she led Maddy up to the daycare. "It's Friday, so I might even let you get an ice cream."

Emily and Maddy seemed to notice Zacky at the same time, and the toddler dropped Emily's hand to run towards Zacky, giggling as she took the flowers from him. Hearing Zacky's comment about not being Maddy's dad squeezed Emily's heart in a vice grip because he was Maddy's father, he was, and he would be such a good one if only it was possible to really let him back into her life. Emily snapped back to reality when Zacky asked if he could have donuts with Maddy, shaking her head as Maddy answered yes, and very excitedly at that. Emily reached out to touch Maddy's shoulder. "Why don't you run on ahead and see if Mrs. Fayon has some water you can put your flowers in?" she suggested. "Mommy has to talk to Mr. Zack."

Once Maddy was out of earshot, Emily turned to Zacky with a frown on her face. "What the hell are you doing here, Zack?" she asked. "Did you ever stop to think that this might not be the best idea? You don't want to be Maddy's father, so stop acting like it. You're just going to get her hopes up. How did you even know about this anwyay?" Emily took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she collected her thoughts. She had no idea what to do, but she knew she couldn't tell Zacky to leave now. Maddy would be crushed. "Just...come inside with me so I can add you to Maddy's list of approved visitors. And hurry, I'm already going to be late for work."

Zacky hadn't been the least bit surprised when Maddy all but ran toward him. He was happy even, seeing that sort of excitement on his little girl's face. It was quite evident to him that she had previously been crying - her eyes were red and her cheeks puffy even as she accepted the flowers he had bought her. Reaching forward, Zacky ruffled her hair before giving her a gentle push toward the front door. He watched her head into the daycare before standing, clearing his throat as he turned back toward Emily.

"If you didn't want me showing up here, you probably shouldn't have left the damn flyer in the papers you gave me last night, Emily," Zacky answered dryly, after she had finished ranting about why he shouldn't be here. He had been fully expecting her to not take kindly to his presence, he couldn't really say that he was surprised so her words, although they hurt, he didn't react to him. It wasn't as if Emily was saying anything that he hadn't already thought of himself. He'd spent the better part of the last week beating himself up over his choices and wondering if he would be able to change enough to have Maddy actually in his life.

Squaring his shoulders, Zacky followed Emily into his day care. There were already a few dads inside with their children and just seeing the interactions pained him. Seeing what he could have had on a regular basis with Maddy did no good. Sighing, Zacky stood off to the side until he was waved through. He didn't bother saying anything else to Emily, thinking it would only lead to more trouble than it was worth.

Sitting cross legged by Maddy, he grinned at the attention the little girl immediately offeered him. "So is there going to be princess tea today?" He asked, a light tone to his voice.

Emily could feel all of the eyes on her as she walked with Zacky into the front office of the daycare. Kaci, the young woman who ran the office, stared at Zacky with wide eyes as the two of them entered the office. "Who--" she started.

"I'll explain it later," Emily said shortly. "I'm already running late. I just need to make a quick change to Maddy's list of approved visitors." Kaci handed over the binder and Emily quickly scribbled Zacky's name on Maddy's list. So far, he was the only one on it. Sighing and tightening her shoulders, Emily walked into the daycare to say goodbye to Maddy, hearing what she was saying to Zacky.

"No Mr. Zack, no tea!" Maddy giggled. "Just donuts. And we no sit on the floor, sit at a table!"

"Maddy," Emily said, gaining the toddler's attention. "Come give Mommy a hug. I've got to go to work." Maddy hurried over and wrapped her arms tightly around Emily's neck, and Emily eagerly squeezed her back. "Mommy loves you so much, Maddy."

"Love you too, Mommy," Maddy said.

---

"Did you have a good time at daycare today, baby?" Emily asked as she drove away from the daycare. She'd managed to slip past Kaci without having to explain Zacky, because she had no idea what she would've told the girl. No one could know who Zacky was, or his relationship to Maddy. Emily didn't want to open that can of worms right now. At the first red light, she made a left turn instead of right, figuring she would fulfill her promise of taking Maddy to McDonald's.

"Yeah, me and Mr. Zack ate lots of donuts!" she exclaimed. She was quiet for a second. "I like Mr. Zack. I wish he my daddy." Emily's heart dropped to her stomach, and she gripped the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles turned white. No, no, no. This wasn't supposed to happen. Maddy wasn't supposed to get this attached to Zacky. "Mommy!" Maddy shouted from the backseat, and Emily gave her bead a slight shake. "Mr. Zack be my daddy? I ask him. I ask Mr. Zack to be my daddy."

With nothing left to do for the rest of the evening, Zacky had retired to his house, more than looking forward to just spending some time to himself. He sat for a bit, staring blankly at the television that played on it. His mind was elsewhere entirely. Zacky's leg started to bounce, his frustration growing the more and more that he just continued to sit there. Soon, he grew tired of simply sitting there and he was up, growing his car keys and rushing out the front door before he could really stop long enough to think about what he was doing.

Zacky pulled up to Emily's his mind still racing as he walked up the pathway. He took a deep breathe as he raised his hand, knocking on the door several times. Stepping backward, Zacky let out a sigh as he shoved his hands into his front pockets. Even before he heard movement inside.

Zacky lifted his head high enough that he could look at Emily but not enough for it to be full on. He offered a half hearted smile as he cleared his throat, looking away from her after a moment had passed. He couldn't bring himself to look at her, he couldn't quite understand why because this wasn't a situation he had experienced any time recently. "Hey, uh, I was hoping to stop by for some of that world famous princess tea if Maddy's willing to make some," he said, tilting his head to the side as he turned back toward her. "I know it's wrong, Em, I do, but Jesus," Zacky's voice cracked on the last word. He looked down to his feet, kicking at the ground. "Maddy is here, right?"

Maddy's trip to her parents' house in Montana had been planned for a long time and Emily had been looking forward to having a week to herself, especially since it was spring break and she had the week off from work. She was sure that starting tomorrow, she wouldn't know what to do with a silent, empty apartment, but for now, after a four hour flight to Montana and then a four hour flight back, she was tired and just wanted to relax with a bottle of wine and a marathon of Grey's Anatomy. She was roughly two and a half glasses into her bottle when there was a knock at the door, and Emily paused the television as she got up to answer the door. She had no clue who could possibly be at the door, but the absolute last person she was expecting was the person standing on her doorstep. When he mentioned something about stopping by for some of Maddy's princess tea, Emily couldn't help but smile. If Maddy were here, she would be ecstatic to know that Zacky was here just to see her. "Uh no, Maddy's not here," Emily finally said. "She's in Montana at my parents' house for the week. She'll be back Sunday." Emily glanced down at her wine glass, swirling the beverage around in the glass. She knew what she was about to say was a bad idea, she knew shouldn't, but the alcohol in her system was clogging her judgement a little.

"But you should stay anyway," Emily suggested, her voice soft. She couldn't say exactly why she was doing this; having Zacky over without the distraction of Maddy could only lead to disaster. When Zacky finally stepped inside, Emily closed the door behind him and locked it. She looked at Zacky as she sat her wine glass on the table. "Did you want a wine glass?" she asked. "I'm afraid it's really the only alcohol I have, but I've also got other things to drink. Water, tea, strawberry kiwi kool-aid." She managed a short laugh at the last option, since they were never without a pitcher of the kool-aid with Maddy around. She topped off her glass of wine, taking a sip as she sat down on the couch. "So uh, I wanted to tell you that Maddy had a good time with you at her Donuts for Dads thing," Emily said, bringing up the first thing that came to mind. "She was so excited when I picked her up, she wouldn't stop talking about it. She...She really likes you, Zack. She told me that she wished you were her daddy."

"Oh," Zacky spoke, his face falling as he realized Maddy wasn't home. He let out a sigh as he looked away, gritting his teeth against the swell of disappointment in the pit of his stomach. He gave a nod of his head, turning to leave the front step. He wasn't here to see Emily, he thought there was no reason to say so when he heard Emily speak, Zacky's heart nearly stopped. His eyebrows pulled together as he half turned back around, raising an eyebrow. "What?" Zacky only stepped inside when Emily moved over, wordlessly inviting him inside.

Zacky shared a short laugh at the mention of koolaid, slowly lowering himself down to sit on the edge of the couch cushion. He hesitated for a moment, smoothing his hands over his jeans. "Uh, wine is good. Thank you," Zacky said, forcing a tiny smile to his face. He looked up when she offered the glass, taking a long swig of it before he found the courage to actually say more than a few words. Zacky lowered it, only for his breathe to be taken away as he looked up. Gritting his teeth, Zacky's head dropped forward. He stared at the floor, trying to figure out what to even say. He opened his mouth and closed it several times, shrugging after another moment. "You said it yourself that's not a good idea, Em. If things were different, and God I wish they were..." Zacky trailed off, letting out a bitter laugh. Zacky raised his wine glass back to take another drink, his attention focused on the liquid. Raising his hand, Zacky rubbed at his cheek, exhaling slowly. "But. But at least I can support her now. Right?"

Emily instantly regretted speaking the instant her last statement left her mouth. She shouldn't have said that to Zacky, shouldn't have told him how attached Maddy had grown. And she felt silly, because a part of her had been hoping that saying that might make Zacky want to stay, really stay, but that was a stupid thought. Her eyes snapped up when she heard him call her by her old nickname, and Emily frowned. "Don't call me that," she mumbled. "You...You don't get to call me that anymore." She hated to tell him why, how it made her pine for the days when he said it out of affection instead of habit. "Things could be different if you really wanted them to, Zacky," she continued, her voice soft. She swished the wine around her glass, watching the liquid spin around and around. It sort of reminded her of her thoughts at the moment, turbulent and moved by forces out of her control. Emily quickly chugged the glass, filling it nearly to the top when she refilled it.

"I just...I don't think it's good for Maddy if you keep...coming around, you know?" Emily continued. She didn't want to hurt Zacky or scare him away, but she didn't want Maddy hurt over all of this, either. "She's so attached to you, Zack, and...and now that she's said she wishes you were her daddy, I...I feel like keeping the truth from her is lying to her. I just don't want her to get hurt, Zacky. She's...my little girl and she's really the only thing I have." Emily took a deep breath, taking a large sip of her wine. She couldn't bring herself to look at Zacky, not with the words that were steadily bubbling to the tip of her tongue. "But she wants you around Zacky, she really does. And I think you want to be around, too. And...I want you around too, Zack."

The admission was so soft spoken that Emily almost thought she might have imagined speaking them, but when she finally changed a glance at Zacky, the look on his face told her that he'd heard. "Having you around lately, it's just...made me realize how much I missed you."

Zacky felt like he had been punched right in the gut when Emily snapped at him. He opened his mouth to argue with her but it shut just as quickly because he realized that he didn't have a single leg to stand on. Even if he wanted to, he didn't have the heart to argue with her. She could have easily torn down whatever argument he managed to present and that wasn't a feeling he wanted to self inflict if he had any say in the matter. Instead he sat and he listened to what she had to say, not batting an eye, barely even breathing at this point. His breath caught in his throat at Emily's admission, his eyes flicking upward to meet her gaze for a moment before he looked away. He couldn't bare to look at her, not with how vulnerable Emily was in the moment. Her words were bringing up feelings that were still raw, that Zacky had worked so very hard to bury away. He had hoped to never feel them again but it seemed as if her words were all it took for him to feel the same emotions he had felt when she walked away over four years ago.

"You said it yourself, Emily. You said it yourself when you walked away. It's not a safe life that I can provide," Zacky's words were emotionless - something he had learned long ago. He cleared his throat, giving a shake of his head. "I can't just... walking away isn't that simple. Maybe before but now?" Zacky let out a dry laugh, shaking his head against before lifting his glass to his lips. He took a sip of his wine. While Zacky would never admit it to her but he had seen his share of people trying to walk away. It didn't happen when you were in as deep as he was, it just didn't.

Zacky swallowed back the swell of emotion as he stood slowly. He felt like he could barely stand, like his legs were shaking and about ready to collapse out from beneath him. He wondered if she noticed it. Reaching out, Zacky set the wine glass down on the coffee table before clearing his throat. "I should, uh, go. Probably. Right?" Zacky exhaled slowly, steeling himself as well as he knew how to as he looked back up to her. "You know it's bad if I stay."

Emily didn't think she had ever felt more foolish in her entire life. She shouldn't have said those things to Zacky, she should've kept them buried inside like she had for four years, in a dark place where they belonged. But the wine was making her emotional, as it usually tended to do. And she'd had quite a bit to drink, definitely enough to lower her inhibitions and make her say things that she shouldn't. "I should have known you wouldn't want anything to do with me," Emily said softly. "And I'm the one who walked away from you, I don't have any right to miss you. But...But I do. I think I did all along but seeing you again just made me realize it. I...I know I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry I'm just, well, kind of stupid, I guess."

Emily was rambling now, and she pressed her wine glass to her lips to shut herself up. She took a large swig, watching as Zacky got to his feet. She could see him shaking as he reached out to set his wine glass on the table. Her eyes widened when she heard him say that he was going to leave. Before she even realized what she was doing, Emily reached out to grab Zacky's hand, for a moment wondering how it had been since they'd touched like this. Four years, at least. "Please don't go," she said, her voice cracking just a bit. She sat her nearly empty wine glass next to Zacky's on the coffee table and got to her feet, using her hold on Zacky's hand to steady herself as she wobbled. She knew Zacky was right, him staying was bad, it was so bad, but Emily wasn't really thinking clearly at the moment. She wasn't thinking of the repercussions of asking Zacky to stay, of letting herself fall full force into old feelings and habits that would only lead to disaster.

"I want you to stay Zacky, please," Emily pleaded. She heard her heart thumping in her ears as the next words came to the tip of her tongue, and before she could stop them, Emily was speaking them out loud. "I think still love you, Zacky," she whispered. "I know...I shouldn't but...but I do." Emily looked up at Zacky, her eyes flickering to his lips. She caught herself leaning in, but she didn't stop herself, and before she knew it, she was kissing Zacky.