and i’ve lost who i am.

“Carrie, wait!” Matt called, frowning when she didn’t come back. He cursed under his breath and squeezed his eyes shut, wishing maybe he’d hit his head a little harder and he would have gone into a coma. He laid there until the nurses came to discharge him, helping him get dressed before sending him home with Brian. When Brian asked where Carrie had gone, Matt told him that she’d stormed off after they argued.

Brian took Matt home and got him into bed before he went to lay on the couch himself. He took his phone out, sending Carrie a text. Where’d you run off to?

Focus on your friend. I’m fine. Carrie text Brian back, sitting in the bath tub at her and Zack’s place. She had a full bottle of whiskey besides her as she laid down in the empty tub listening to music that reminded her of Zack. She missed him so much and she didn’t know if she couldn’t handle life without him anymore.

Your friend? You mean our friend? Are you sure you want to be alone? I can come over until he wakes up if you need company. Brian sat his phone on his chest as he waited for a reply, really wishing he could find Zack and kick his ass for what he’d done to all of them. The police had said there was no sign of foul play, so the only explanation had to have been that Zack just up and left. How he left without a trace, Brian would never understand. Zack always left a trail of breadcrumbs behind him, so this was beyond the guitarist.

Just leave me alone. I don’t want to be around anyone right now. Carrie turned off her phone and began sobbing hysterically as she began to drink straight from the bottle of whiskey. “Come back,” she whimpered. “Or I’ll have to break there hearts like you did mine.” She knew no one was around to hear her but she felt like she needed to say it outloud. She needed Zack to come back or she was going to end up killing her self in their bath tub.

Brian sighed heavily when he read Carrie’s text, rolling his eyes. He put his phone on the coffee table and rolled onto his side, closing his eyes and dozing off after a little while.

Carrie continued from the bottle, sitting up more when she thought she heard a noise in the bedroom across the hall. She slowly climbed out the tub, swaying slightly as she walked across the hall and saw Zack sitting on his side of the bed. “Why did you leave,” she whimpered. “If you wanted me gone you could have told me.”

“I didn’t leave,” Zack said, frowning as he looked her over. “You’re soaking.” He stood up and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around her body. “I didn’t have a choice, you know. I didn’t want to leave you.” He sat her down on the bed, pulling her hair away from her face and her shoulders.

Carrie pulled away from Zack, glaring at him as she did. “You’ve been gone for a fucking year,” she yelled. “I had to stand there and watch them bury an empty fucking coffin because they all think you died!” The redhead began sobbing into her hand, hating how she was feeling especially since she knew what was happening wasn’t real.

“I wanted to come back sooner,” Zack said, lightly grabbing her wrists and pulling her hands away from her face. “I was afraid I’d hurt you. That’s why I stayed away for so long. I had to learn how to control myself.” He pulled her hands to his lips and kissed her knuckles. Even now, staring at her, the temptation was nearly irresistible. “I can’t stay for long. I just wanted to see how you were doing, after the accident. I needed to be sure you were okay.”

Carrie pulled away from Zack and shoved him roughly. “You are hurting me,” she shouted. “You left me alone and now all I want to do is die!” She stood up and pushed Zack again before she moved away from him. “You’re gone and I can’t deal with a world without you.”

“You had no problem sleeping with Matt,” Zack said, folding his arms across his chest as he watched her. “What was that about, hm?”

“I was trying to feel something besides grief,” Carrie hissed. “And it didn’t work!” She sat back down on the bed, tears streaming down her face before she looked at him again. “You told me you wanted us to start a family,” she whimpered. “You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted any of that with and now I have nightmares of all the what if’s and I just wish I could make it all stop.” The redhead looked at Zack before she looked down at her unbandaged hand and began tracing the vein on her wrist. “You were the only one keeping me alive,” she admitted.

“You called me,” Zack said. “In the bathroom. I heard you.” He sat down on the edge of the bed beside her. “I’ll be back one day, Car, but not yet. You have to promise you’ll wait for me, that you won’t kill yourself. Then you’ll really be alone.” He knew to her it probably sounded selfish, but he had his reasons, and he couldn’t explain everything to her right now. She wouldn’t understand.

Carrie scoffed. “There’s nothing after death,” she mumbled. “It’s just empty and dark.” She moved to hold his hand, tears falling down her face even more of that was possible. “Please don’t leave me again,” she pleaded. “I don’t know if I could pretend to be okay again.”

“I’ve seen hell and it isn’t pretty,” Zack said. “You don’t want to go there, trust me.” He looked down at her hand. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? But I can’t come home yet. Promise me you’ll wait for me. I’ll be around. Maybe if you look hard enough you’ll see me.”

“Did you know about Matt,” Carrie asked. “I guess Brian said he’s been in love with me for years.” She honestly wondered if Zack has even know about Matt because if he hadn’t he would be unusually unobservant.

“Yeah, I knew,” Zack said. “Everyone knew. It was pretty obvious, really. The way he would always look at you, talk about you, the way he would say your name.” He bit his lip, shaking his head. “How do you feel about Matt?”

“I don’t love him,” Carrie stated. “I thought maybe I could but he’s not you and he never will be.” She moved to cup Zack’s face in her hands and rested her forehead against his. “Take me with you,” she pleaded. “I can’t be with them anymore.”

Zack shook his head. “You can’t come with me,” he said. “You’ll get hurt. And they’re your family. They protect you, they keep you safe.” He pulled away from her and stood up. “I have to go now.”

“They can’t save me from myself,” Carrie mumbled. “And neither can you anymore.” She moved to stand in front of Zack and pressed her lips to his, wishing that it was real and not a dream like she knew this all was. He was dead and she needed to move on even if she never wanted to.