and i’ve lost who i am.

Carrie gripped Matt’s hand tightly trying to fight tears as stared at the candlelight vigil going on in front of her. The love of her life had been missing for a year and everyone but her had come to terms with the fact he was probably dead somewhere. The redhead fought, kicked and screamed day after day until she even started to give up hope. “Can we go,” Carrie whimpered. “I can’t be here anymore?”

Matt glanced down at Carrie, nodding his head. “Yeah,” he said. “We don’t have to stay any longer than you want to.” He looked around, finding a place they could slip away without a lot of people noticing. He knew Carrie probably wasn’t up to talking to people tonight, so he just wanted to get away without anyone seeing. He led her away from the crowd of people, back to his car. He stopped before they got there, looking down at her. “Are you going to be okay?”

Carrie shook her head yes before she burst into tears and began sobbing. “He promised he would love me forever and now he’s gone,” she cried. The redhead was absolutely devastated by Zack’s disappearance and having to finally come to terms with the fact he was gone. “Can we go back to your place,” she asked. “I can’t be in that house anymore. It hurts too much.”

Matt pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly and rubbing her back. “Yeah,” he murmured. He pulled away after a minute and took her hand again, leading her over to the car. He opened the passenger side door after unlocking the car, helping her in. He walked around and climbed in, buckling his seatbelt and starting the engine. He glanced over at her for a moment before he began the drive home. “Have you eaten today?”

Carrie nodded. “I ate some toast this morning when Brian came over,” she stated. She honestly hadn’t been eating like she used to ever since Zack disappeared and how thin she was definitely showed it. “I could eat a hamburger probably,” she admitted. She felt hungry and she knew she needed to try and eat. She knew she had people to live for still and she knew if she gave up Zack would be pissed at her.

Matt nodded his head, smiling slightly at her. He was just glad she was still making an effort to actually eat instead of just not trying. He stopped at a McDonald’s on the way home, getting her a burger. He drove home to his house, getting out and leading her inside. “Here,” he said, handing her the bag with her burger in it. “I’ll go get you a shirt to wear.” He kissed her temple before he went upstairs to his bedroom. He picked out a loose fitting shirt she could wear, as well as grabbing a pair of his boxers in case she wanted that too.

Carrie quietly ate her food, biting down on her lip before she followed Matt. She wanted to feel something besides sadness and she just hoped Matt wouldn’t freak out on her. The redhead walked up behind the buff man, hesitating before she moved in front of him and pressed her lips to his. She wasn’t stupid. She knew Matt had feelings for her and even though her doing this with him was wrong at that moment she didn’t care.

Matt hesitated for a moment before kissing her back. The feeling of her lips against his made his heart flutter, but all he could think about was the fact that Zack might still be out there somewhere. He pulled away and looked down at her, biting his lip softly. “What if… What if he’s still alive?” he mumbled under his breath. He didn’t want to upset Carrie, but at the same time, he couldn’t bring himself to be okay with the idea of being intimate with his best friend’s girl. Even if he did want it so badly.

“Where,” Carrie snapped. “Where could he still be alive and not come back to me!” She moved away from Matt, tears streaming down her face as she felt herself getting angry for the first time in what felt like ages. “If he was still alive he would be here! He wouldn’t just leave me like this!” She walked back downstairs sitting on Matt’s couch and began sobbing hysterically, letting everything she had been holding in out.

Matt frowned deeply, feeling guilty that he’d upset her. He walked downstairs with her clothes, standing in the doorway and watching her. He knew she probably needed a bit of space, otherwise he’d be right at her side comforting her. “We don’t know what happened, Carrie,” he said. “We don’t know where he is or what could have happened to him.” His worst fear was that someone had kidnapped and murdered Zack and was still out there. And maybe they’d come back for Carrie. That thought terrified him. He waited a moment before he walked over and knelt down in front of her. He pulled her hands from her face, wiping the tears from her cheeks and squeezing her hands tightly. “I’m sorry.”

Carrie pulled away from Matt, shoving him roughly as she moved to stand up. She began angrily wiping away her own tears as she began to pace around their room. “The night he disappeared he told me he wanting to have a fucking family with me,” she snapped. “He wouldn’t leave me after saying that!” She walked past Matt towards his front door, wanting to go back to her and Zack’s house for the first time since they had announced they were going to have a service, not realizing no one had probably known Zack had admitted to Carrie he wanted to have children with her.

Matt frowned as he followed her. “Carrie, wait,” he pleaded. “Please don’t leave. You can still be angry at me, but please just stay the night here. You can leave in the morning if you want, but I don’t think you should be alone.” He really hoped she would at least stay, and she could sleep in his bed and he’d take the couch. He knew the chances were slim at this point, because he’d clearly upset her.

“Fuck you,” Carrie snapped. “Fuck you! Fuck Zack and fuck this!” The redhead stormed out of Matt’s house and began walking in the direction of her and Zack’s place. Carrie knew leaving the way she was reckless and stupid but at that point she didn’t care. She just wanted to be away from Matt before she said something she couldn’t take back.

Matt groaned, rushing after her. “Carrie, stop!” he called after her. Once he caught up to her, he grabbed her hand and pulled her to a stop. He leaned down, pressing his lips against hers. He was sure this was the only way he could keep her from running off and possibly doing something stupid. But not only that, this was something he’d been thinking about for the longest time. Even before Zack disappeared, he’d always had some sort of feelings for Carrie. But he put them aside so his best friend could be happy.

Carrie didn’t hesitate to kiss Matt back, having wondered what kissing the buff would be like since Brian drunkenly admitted that Matt had a thing for her. It was weeks ago and honestly Brian telling her that was probably the only reason she has her arms wrapped around Matt’s neck and was moaning softly against his lips as she kept kissing him back.

Finally having Carrie’s lips against his was the best feeling in the world. Right now in that moment, Zack didn’t even exist to Matt anymore. As awful as it sounded, all he cared about was Carrie. He pulled away after a moment, taking a deep breath as he looked down at her. “Please come back inside,” he pleaded, reaching up to gently touch her cheek.

Carrie nodded, biting down on her bottom lip and hesitating a few moments before she spoke again. “Only if you take me upstairs and do what I know you’ve been wanting to do for the past three years.” She felt kind of bad that she hadn’t noticed Matt before she and Zack started dating. After knowing he had feelings for her a lot of things started making sense.

Matt nodded his head. He led her back inside the house, shutting the front door and locking it before taking her upstairs. He looked at her, biting his lip. He reached out and took her hand, pulling her to the bed and sitting down. He leaned up and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her passionately. His heart was pounding in his chest. He was nervous, but excited at the same time.

Carrie kisses Matt back, hoping he didn’t chicken out. She needed this probably as much as he did at that point. The redhead wanted to feel something besides anger or sadness. She needed to feel loved and feel that fire ignite inside her again the way it used to after sex with Zack. Carrie just hoped it would maybe be similar with Matt because she doubted she would feel the exact way with him.