Self-Injury Ed and Support

My... battle... with self-injury isn't a pretty one.
It started after my girlfriend died years ago, she saved my life by sacrificing her own, and I saw it happen. I hurt so badly for a while that there was nothing else in me. After I dealt with the pain, I had to deal with the guilt, and it caused me to cut, burn, stick various sharp objects in my skin, I even, in an extreme, stuck a screw in my side. I was a mess for so long, and I ended up addicted to the pain.
I went through a kind of withdrawal, trying to stop so bad. It tore me apart, dealing with it alone and unknown. I then dealt with an addiction to cigarettes, and both were on and off over the years.
I think I finally kicked the self-injury, but it turned me into a masochist, though it could be much worse. I'm becoming dependent on alcohol, though, and plan to go for some small amount of treatment for that.
Other reasons for it to start back up so much were abuse, sexual assault, deaths among my friends, those types of things. I know it's wrong, but sometimes I still fight the impulse.
I recommend that you stop while you can, if you can. The scars aren't worth it. I have a freaky one from the screw

I've been using pins, needles, staples, and my own fingernails incredibly often now. My therapist says I'm now officially a cutter.

It's weird, hearing it referred to as such. "Cutting" brings to mind middle school taunts, PSAs, and emo jokes. Cutting shouldn't bring to mind what I do to myself. I don't even break the skin. I don't do it to bleed. I don't get scars because I never do it deep. It's just a little scratch.

I do it when I get anxious. I have a lot of anxiety problems, and little bursts of pain distract me from the pain that I can't control.

... I don't want to be labeled as a "cutter". It's so weird.

I don't "cut" or do anything really serious, but on occasions, if I'm feeling horrible, I have actually burnt myself with a straightener. I have no idea why. I know that it made me feel a lot calmer, but I don't know why I did in the first place. I only have maybe 5 times before. I don't *want* to do it again, but sometimes I crave it. I've never told anyone because I figured "It's just a little burn... Nothing too bad... If they find out, they'll think I'm crazy." Because I think some people really would think I'm crazy, even though it's not a super uncommon thing. I don't want people to tiptoe around me like I'm fragile. I also used to snap myself with rubber bands, but not anymore. I still don't know why. I still feel crazy. :/

Umm.... Is it wrong that this forum makes me want to cut really badly?

I'm too scared to go to a counsellor but one of my friends is going to make me soon... I'm scared. I'm only quitting for him...

I cut myself, sometimes with a razor, sometimes with Steven (my knife) who I like to sharpen with Tyler (my blade sharpener) and sometimes I burn myself with my hair straightener or scratch myself till I bleed. Sometimes I stab myself with glass... sometimes I beat myself with rocks.... Sometimes I start a fight with someone, usually a bigger, stronger guy. I enjoy it. I need the pain. I need it. I crave it. I can't survive without it. But I need to stop. I need to.

Help me.

Save me.

I have to say one thing that definetly helped me stop cutting for a good six months was the sheer pain I always felt the next morning in the shower. The hot water on my cuts was just horrible. I don't like that kind of pain. I don't like stinging.
I used to use razors or scissors which were often kinda blunt, so the pain was bad but not to sharp. Fucking unbearable in the shower!

And now my wrist and hips are all ugly and scared. I'd advise anybody to stop cutting, purely for the reason that your probably quite beautiful body will have scars for quite a while. Whenever I feel good about my body and I'm happy and I'm looking in the mirror, I can see the odd scar that hasn't faded and it's not nice. Bad reminder, totally regret doing it.

I am still highly suicidal, I have attempted 7 times, been in the psych ward for it, but continue to cut... Well, I haven't cut for about a month now, I made a promise to a friend I would stop... It's a lot harder to stop than people think it is, you think, "Oh, that's not that bad, I can stop when I want" but you can't... I went to that same razor every time something upset me... It could have been something minor, I still went to it... I had/have serious problems... My mental state is on the verge of leaping off a tall building and taking it with me...

But to tell the truth, even though I want to kill myself so much, I am one of the happiest people you will ever meet, I have kept over 20 people from killing themselves just by using my life story.. [I've had a lot of bad things happen to me that fucked me up badly]

I've been SI-free for a month and one week :)

sanatorium.:

I've been SI-free for a month and one week :)

That's great! I'm happy for you!

I've been trying to stop cutting since I was in 6th grade and I'm in 10th now. I used to only once in a while but now it's gotten more regular. I feel like I have to, and when I don't do it I crave it, I need to.

In short, it is VERY hard for me to stop.

Like Emily Zola, I have also attempted suicide several times and I was hospitalized in the psychiatric ward for all of my attempts and my personality disorders. I've struggled with SI for about five years now.

I guess it's kind of like alcoholism; you're NEVER cured of the disease, but you can control it. I haven't cut in several weeks, but the urge to do it is there every day even if I'm having a good day.

^
I agree. I actually haven't attempted in over five months, but it's still a constant struggle.

I cut myself last year on my arm right below my elbow, and for a while hid it but my parents found out and flipped shit on me talking about how people will think of them. That pissed me off. But recently i've taken to cutting the inside of my pinky with scissors. It's in plain sight, but the only person who has even noticed is my boyfriend. He hates it and I can tell it hurts him too, but.. I can't seem to stop. It doesn't even hurt anymore because I'm so used to it. It's just.. calming. That, and somtimes snapping rubber bands on my wrists or burning myself with a straightener. It rarely leaves a mark and it just calms me down. It's.. soothing. /:

everyone thinks i've stopped. not once was there one week since grade 6 where i haven't cut. it's been 3 almost 4 years. i don't really want to die. i don't want to live either. it's weird because i'm probably one of the happiest people you'd ever meet. i live with anxiety everyday. sometimes i don't know if i'll make it through another day. but here i am, still living, and breathing.

I had gone around four months without cutting until Monday. And I've realised how much I missed it. And I hate that. I didn't want to do it but I was crying and the razor was just sitting in my draw and the cutting felt so good. I've been wanting to die for a few months now. I wanted to talk to someone at school about it, but the awkwardness in me refuses to let me.

People I know wouldn't think I want to die because I can act all happy and laugh.

Last night I cut myself. I don't even know why, really. I just started thinking about it and I had the strongest urge to do it so I did. I can't say I regret it, but I'm not happy I did it either.

I do it..It's like a relief from the pain and suffering.

I've done SI, in various forms, since I was a little kid. It started with scratching, pulling my hair, and digging my nails in my palms whenever I was trying not to cry. Which is a long, awful story in and of itself. I started cutting in the ninth grade and am still struggling four years later.
In my case I cut violently for a few days or weeks non-stop and then don't do it again for awhile. And sometimes I drop so low when I am cutting, I just want to end it all. I hate so much that I can't stop it, and my scars are my biggest regret. I hate when people see them and I just feel so...disgusted. And that just makes everything worse.
I really wish that there was more of an understanding of it; that it wasn't so taboo and looked down upon. It makes me feel like a freak.

I feel like this thread has been calling to me for months now, and I'm just now getting the guts to post in here.
Reading through everyone else's posts, I feel as though mine isn't as bad as what others has said, but that is really besides the point.

I have been dealing with SI for over 7 years now. It was really bad from grades 6-8, and it dwindled a lot in the years after that. I would still do it occasionally, when things just really seemed to get me down, but now, I feel like that...'urge' is coming back again. Not as strong as my earlier years, but strong enough to worry me. I have had numerous thoughts about it again for a few weeks now, and my little 'stash' is tucked away neatly in my journal beside my bed.
When I was in grade 7/8(which was the absolute WORST years for it) I had put myself in the hospital numerous times, I wouldn't eat food, unless forced to, which also lead to more stints in the hospital, and...I don't really know? It was just a hard 2 years.
Now I'm 18, and am getting this feeling back again. I want to cut again, but I don't. This is really hard to admit, but...I hate myself. I really do. I really, really hate myself. I hate everything about myself. There are days where I try not to eat because I don't want to gain weight(which I always do anyways?) and...I just go on extremes with dieting and such to lose the weight to the point where I pass out from it all.
Those 3 years that I was bad, I was in contact with councilors, and my mom knew about it. I don't want to tell my mom about it now because I don't want her to worry. She already has enough to worry over, and I don't want to stress her out even more.

After all these years, why am I feeling like this again? I had really thought I had beaten this thing. I really did... What do I do? I feel like I have no one to talk to about any of this...

I don't think it is one of those things that can be deemed right or wrong. It's a coping mechanism, that's all.

catastrophicize.:

I don't think it is one of those things that can be deemed right or wrong. It's a coping mechanism, that's all.

You're saying that as if it's nothing.

maggot pie:

You're saying that as if it's nothing.

Then what are you saying it is other than a coping mechanism?