skycastles. / Comments

aww. :(
LOL, REALLY? omg, hahah. everyone says it's so good.
durarara? never heard of it. :o but okay, i'll keep that in mind. :]
haha. that's good, then. :3
oh. that makes sense. xD hm, i'll try to do that, then.

Ew. I hate headaches. Had one all last week.
I'm hanging birds from my ceiling.

hm, i see. but regardless of what kind of person he was, to be assholes about something like that is just... he seems like someone who's really nice if you get to know him. and, yeah... you sound like you were really, really close. like he was an elder brother kind of character to you, or something... -shrugs-

hahah. thanks? xD

OH. death note! oresfdjljsdc. death note's on my to-watch anime list, but lately i haven't had the time to watch anime. so right now i have a lot of episodes to catch up on and shizz. /:

hahah, yeah. but i've always been someone who wants people to care about me when i need it... as much as i hate to admit it. /: it'll prolly take me a while to get used to the fact that most people don't care, hah.

LOL. omg, hahaha. :3

a small work schedule? what do you mean by that? :o

haha. well then, thank you and you're welcome, too. :3

lol I already knew Texas was weird. :P
So, what's up?

LOL, omg, you're insane for reading all of that. x3

the car thing? exactly. and sometimes when people tell me not to breathe in like, car exhaust and stuff like that, i wonder if i should just inhale as much as i can instead. and i take a lot of food supplements/vitamins (my family's really pro vitamins, lol), so they're like pills (but overdose can't really kill you, i think, 'cause they're made of natural ingredients and stuff. but then again if you take like WAYYYYY too much of something anything could happen), so before i swallow them i think about what if these pills were pills that could kill me.

omg, i'm so sorry. i just. if that happened to me, i'd just. i really don't know what i'd do. your parents were being assholes about it? that's... i can't even... and yeah, i know exactly what you mean. that's how i always think. my family and friends would grieve for a while, but after a while they'd just move on completely with their own lives. especially my friends. so i felt like even if suicide seemed selfish at first, it wouldn't make a difference after a while.

aww. nah, sometimes the corniest things are the most heartfelt ones. yeah... you're right. killing yourself won't fix anything. it just ruins things. it ruins relationships with the people around you, it ruins opportunities that could've come by you if you were still alive, it just kills your future, it ruins other people's lives (if there's anyone who cares about you or anyone who you might've helped in the future, 'cause you never know who you might've met)...

hah, aw. mello's such a cute nickname. :3 i'll probably call you em, though. yay. haha. :3

good to know i'm not alone in feeling like that. :0 hahah. it's okay to be cynical around your best friends, i think. 'cause if they're your best friends, they should be used to it. :] hmm... i suppose. i'm a pretty "open" (i don't know what word to use here, ahah) person though, i think. i'm different from those people who say 'i'm fine' when they're actually dying inside. i'm not at all good at hiding my feelings, so for instance if i'm depressed i show it. i've never faked a smile before. so i think my case is even sadder than those girls who wish someone would realize that they're actually not fine when they lie and say they are (or whatever they're hoping for, idk), because people [i]know[/i] i'm depressed - it's too obvious, really - they just don't care.

i had like, two people (people i consider my friends, but not people i talk to regularly, nor would i tell my secrets to) ask me why i was being so quiet/sad-looking (on two different days). i told them i didn't know, or just because i missed my friends who left school. but that's not the truth, of course. i mean, sure i do miss my closest friends who left, but the main reason is 'cause i feel left out from ly and jo's bond. but of course i couldn't tell anyone in school that.

i think i might be especially bad at cooking, though, hahah. i have a fear of fire and knives - i become super cautious when i see a knife like, on a table i'm walking past, and i move it as far away from me as possible even though i know there's no way it could actually hurt me from the position it's at. and i'm terrible at estimations in general. but idk, we'll see. and for cleaning, i'll keep those in mind, hahah. i get grossed out easily - for instance, i can't bring myself to clean dog's poo - but then again, i (depending on my mood/the situation/idk what other factors) can sometimes just go all out and not care about how disgusting whatever i'm touching is. those times are rare, but i know i can. well... i [i]think[/i] i can. maybe a pair of gloves could help, haha.

haha, for me, it's the start of the school year, actually. :/ our year starts in january. hmm, maybe. i kinda suck at following schedules; i used to make up tons of schedules for myself when i was a kid, only to completely trash them because i'd end up doing the complete opposite of what i'd planned to do. i really need to start working on my self-discipline, because my laziness (which results in procrastination) is what's hindering my productivity/time management the most.

really? hahah, i've never thought about it that way. i guess you're right; cycles can be broken. it wouldn't make sense if they were to go on for the rest of my life, right? i just. i think i need to either rid myself of depression, or just force myself to be productive. i don't know [i]how[/i] to stop feeling so atwoefszhdjoiawejdfsz, but as for my productivity... i just really need to work on my self-discipline, like i said before. right now i'm even less productive than usual (my usual is probably zero productivity, so now it's like negative productivity lol) because i'm always so sad or whatever, but if i can either get rid of that sadness (so my productivity will like, automatically shoot up) or force myself to be productive despite how i feel (i think i should really learn how to do this, hahah. it'd be useful in the future. because there'll always be times when i'm sad), then the cycle'll be broken and yeah. :3 i think i should try to break both, but i don't think i can break my depression 'cause i can't change the way i feel about how my friends are treating me. i can't help but feel left out and stuff. so... as for self-discipline... it's a lot easier said than done. i don't even know where to start. maybe i should get something to motivate me? :/ idk... any ideas?

hahaha. i'll keep those in mind. i preach advice i don't practice, too. (oh damn, i think i've been using a mix of UK and US spellings. haha, whatever.) it's human nature, i think. lol.

exactly! hm, yeah, i really do wish you were here like, in person, haha. but yeah, you're still here/there for me, and for that i'm really grateful. :3 it's kinda sad how the awesome people are all the way across the globe though, don't you think? hahah.

:0 two in the morning? wow, okay. just... :3 thank you, hahah. i don't even know what to say. yeah, my friends wouldn't stay up for me. when i told one of them i was feeling depressed, and that i needed someone to talk to, she said she was too busy watching jersey shore to talk to me. -.-

you're welcome, haha. and just, yeah. thanks. i can't even. i almost cried reading your comment, hah. just. thank you.

lol watermelon? This time of year? That's crazy.
and I KNOW! I lovers my Bear. He was so tired and all, 'Please, please don't take a picture of me.'

Only the usual... lol You?
OH! And my dog, who is like.. the cutest thing ever. (This was what I was going to send you...) http://www.twitpic.com/419zkk

lol I'm an idiot.
It's good the coding went good. XD

[b]you really don't have to read everything i've said below.[/b] i don't even know/remember what i said. oijgzsodijijsd. probably none of it makes any sense.

aww. :( i hope you manage to stay in touch with your friends and stuff! D: i lost three; the only three i talk to everyday, before, during [i]and[/i] after school. so, from like 7am to midnight.

and yeah, i suppose it is kinda hard, but so far even though we obviously don't get to talk nearly as often, i've been keeping in touch with them so far. one of my friends left in the middle of last year, and my other two friends left at the end of last year (as in, when they stopped going to my school). and i've been able to keep contact with them so far, so i really hope keep this up. i'm the only one who really keeps in touch with them; all my other friends barely talk to them anymore; they don't bother to drop a line just to say 'hi' to my friends who left. i guess that's why my three friends consider me one of their closest friends ever (and vice versa), hahah. :]

yeah. :3 thank you, you know, for helping when you can. it means a lot, really. and thanks. yes, you can call me ally, haha. (can i call you... i don't know... em?)

hmm, i suppose. yeah, i know... you know, you've actually hit a bulls-eye there; i'm overly dependent on others. but... i don't know. i can't help it. first of all, i can't go to places alone; i actually have a fear of being alone in public places, like malls and school. putting aside the fact that i have a terrible sense of direction... even if i know the place like the back of my hand, i always feel kinda lost somehow. idk... :/

when it comes to cooking and cleaning - as i've mentioned before, i can't do those things for nuts. so i depend on my mum and stuff. i know i should learn, but no one has the patience to teach me (i'm a really slow learner), and i don't know [i]how[/i] to learn on my own. i guess i could try learning from instructions, like online or whatever, but i don't exactly trust myself to do things without supervision. but my mum wouldn't have the patience (nor the time; she's really busy) to supervise me. if she saw me trying and failing, she'd just push me aside and take the matter into her own hands. so... i don't know.

academically, i suppose i'm pretty independent. since i was a little girl, like seven or whatever, i set my own schedule for extra classes, organized my stuff on my own, did my homework without my parents having to check on me, revised for exams without my parents having to tell me to do so, etc. it came naturally to me when i was young, so it's a part of me, really. the problem is that lately i've been slipping out of that hardworking, organized part of me. i can't keep up with school right now; i either do my homework last minute or overdue, i can't understand what the teacher's saying half the time (i've mentioned some of this before, hah).

but being independent in a sense that, like, i don't know... doing things (that i'm capable of) on my own, and piecing myself back together? i think that's what you meant by "independent"? yeah, as you've noticed, i haven't been doing well in that area so far, either... i know i need to pick myself up... you're right; i can't just sit around all day feeling depressed, can't just wait for a miracle to happen or whatever.

and hah, you said it kills me slowly? i actually do feel like i'm dying inside. and i'll admit, although i've always been one to try my best to discourage people from suicide, i'm a hypocrite. well, partially, anyway. i know i won't actually commit suicide (i couldn't bring myself to do that, for it'd be too selfish, because i know i have family and friends who might actually be affected; and even though i'm not the most devoted christian around - heck, i only go to church like once in a few months, i've never gone to sunday school, i've barely read bits and pieces of the bible, so i don't even know if it's even right of me to call myself a "christian" - i know it's one of the worst sins one could commit, or at least, so i've been told), but that doesn't stop the thoughts from coming. sure, i won't end my own life. but i secretly do hope for my dying day most of the time nowadays. when people tell me that if i'm not careful i could die or whatever, i don't feel threatened anymore. inside i'm thinking, [i]that'd be kinda great[/i].

it's stupid, i know. i should never think like that; heck, maybe just not appreciating my life is a sin, too. logically, i know i shouldn't think like that. but i can't help it, because that's just how i feel. i feel like i'm a burden to the people around me, a waste of space/resources on earth, a waste of life. sure, i might be able to do greater things. i [i]can[/i] do greater things, if i work for it. but am i trying to? no. i'm sitting here, watching the minutes go by, and i'm not doing anything that might benefit anyone. in fact, i'm hurting myself in a way, because i'm putting off my work and shizz.

i [i]know[/i] that if i feel so useless, i should get up and do something about it. i should stop being such a goddamned lazy bum, stop complaining so much, and start doing things. but somehow, i can't bring myself to. i really need to start forcing myself to do productive things instead of lazing around, just as you've said. but i really don't feel like it, and i don't know why. i'm thinking it's a cycle; i'm lazy, so i fail, so i feel depressed. and because i'm depressed, i become lazy, which makes me fail again, which makes me depressed again, and so on. throw in the whole friendship problem i've got going on (which basically just adds more depression and probably lowers my self-esteem further), you've got a cycle of depression/sleep deprivation/really low self-esteem/zero productivity.

3opwigrejdfsbxoisrgjzfcmv, i don't even know anymore. ugh. i doubt i'm making much sense here. i'm probably contradicting myself like shit. but i suppose if i'm currently contradicting myself, it's because my self, as in my mind and heart probably contradict themselves/each other, too.

hm, that's an interesting way to look at it; i've never thought about it that way. but i doubt it's the case for me. i'm pretty sure i only feel this way because i feel left out, not because my feelings for my friend are valid or whatever. i can't stand being left out; it has something to do with how i can't stand being alone like i've mentioned above. i mean, sure, i do care about my friends, and yes i don't want them both to go on without me, but it's because i just don't want to be left out/alone. like, if one of my closest friends hadn't left, i'd probably be fine and wouldn't mind the two of them paying so much attention to each other because i'd be spending time with her.

the thing about my friends is that... jo, my old friend from elementary school (when we were 12), just came back to my school after three years of being in a different school. we were really close then. but now she's changed, and i suppose i probably have changed as well. she's basically a girly girl whose favorite color is pink and is in love with justin bieber. she's friendly, outgoing/sociable, popular, pretty. and i'm well, i'm the tshirt-and-jeans girl who hates some shades of pink, thinks justin bieber is overrated and loves alternative/punk rock/etc bands that barely anyone here has heard of. i'm socially awkward, and just weird and i'm not pretty and just yeah. so basically i feel like i don't know her anymore, and she's missed out on a lot of things about me as well.

and, just... as much as i hate to stereotype, i don't know any other way to best explain it, so... she's like, the [i]popular[/i] type. i'm not saying there's anything wrong with a 'popular' type mixing with a 'weird/awkward' type. but i do know one thing: i'm not friends with those kind of people for a reason. because i just can't get along with them well. i may be able to be friendly with them, but it's nearly impossible for them to ever be one of my best friends. it's not because of their social status or anything - it's because of factors like personality and beliefs and stuff. important factors (beliefs and stuff are obviously important, right? i mean, i doubt i'd be able to have a homophobe as a best friend. and as trivial or silly as a belief may be, all beliefs, i think, are important). they clash.

they like dressing up and taking pictures of themselves, i think they look like camwhores/sluts (this is just an example). they go around saying 'oh hey, my birthday's in ten days so you have ten days to buy me a present', i'm thinking 'why must i get you a present?' (jo literally went around class saying that; i suppose she was just playing around a little, but i know she kinda meant that. and yeah, i was thinking why must i get her a present when she didn't even remember to wish me on my birthday at the end of last year- i mean, if we're supposed to be close friends or whatever. even if we hadn't kept in touch for a long time, she contacted me around the mid-end of last year saying she was coming back.) and if she/they go around saying '[what they/she did or whatever] is so pretty/cool, right?', i can't help but get annoyed at how egoistical they're being. what if i said it wasn't pretty/cool?

and ly - my other close friend (who's been ignoring me for jo) - sometimes i feel like she's using me, somewhat. i mean for instance, when we're allowed to pick our own partners/groups for projects, we're together by default. and i always end up doing most, if not all, the work. i tell her to stop playing around and start being serious, she doesn't listen, so in the end i just do it myself while she plays around. and then i'm done and she acts like she contributed a lot too when she really didn't. idk, she's good at that. but i'll just ignore that; i mean, maybe she doesn't mean to take advantage of me, but she just can't help but play around, you know? so, ignoring that...

the main thing is that jo and ly keep, in a way, ignoring me. ly and i used to wait for each other when leaving the class, and we'd go to the restroom together and stuff (and me and jo used to do that in elementary school, too. oh, and i forgot to mention, i was always closer to jo than ly ever was). but nowadays they just walk on their own, go places together, and just leave me behind. they don't ask me if i want to tag along. they expect me to hear their conversation and just follow them if i want to; either that, or they just don't care about whether i want to go with them or not, because as long as they have each other to accompany the other, it's fine (i have a feeling it's the latter). i'm constantly left out in conversations and inside jokes (i don't bother trying to join in anymore, it'd just stupid if i try to so i'd rather not)... i don't even know when jo and ly got so "close". -_- the only time they ask me to tag along is when i voice out that i need to go to the restroom soon, so sometimes they'll be considerate enough to ask me too. but most of the time they only ask me to tag along when one of them is absent; they basically just want someone to accompany them. so i'm like a substitute for their usual accompaniment (a.k.a. each other).

awepjgzsdipjawgeszdvcx, i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. this comment is too long and my brain is mush.

thank you, though. it means a lot, really. i really need to take your advice and reorganize my life. i just wish i had some sort of push to force me into the right direction, sigh. and aww, you know, you're really sweet. and just, i don't know. you're just amazing. you're gold.

haha, really? coding seems fairly easy to me... i mean, when you're first learning it it's like wtf. but once you understand how it basically works, and after tons of practice, it's really easy. then again, i guess everything hard becomes easy after practice. xD

and haha, i usually just go with the flow when i code. idk. :] aww, thank you again. :3

hahah, thank you yet again! i guess so... but i mean, i don't update my layout site regularly, right now i don't really have any friends i can truly rely on, and lately i've been doing terribly at school. i'm really, [i]really[/i] lagging behind - sometimes i have no idea what the teacher's talking about - and this has never happened to me before. usually i know exactly what the teacher's talking about, and i understand everything perfectly fine and i never miss deadlines or anything. but now it's the complete opposite, so i'm just like oaiwghdszvoiuhawediosvz.

and i fail at other things. apart from failing at the things i'm supposed to be good at (coding and academics, as you mentioned above), i fail at... i don't know. things like cooking, cleaning, sports. the most i can cook is instant noodles, i can barely wash dishes and i can't play a single sport.

and... idk. i just seriously need to set myself straight. lately i've been just lazing around, not doing my schoolwork, sleeping late for no reason. i've been kinda depressed since my closest friends left, and since an old friend came back and my other closest friend is paying more attention to her than me, and i don't know. i overreact, i overthink, i underdo.

i don't even know what i'm saying anymore, meh.

but thank you, it means a lot. i don't know if you'll still think i'm not a failure after reading the above, though. but whatever.

i don't think people fail when they die, though. :/

haha, you're welcome. :] haha, i'm awesome at coding? thanks. xD but you're pretty good at coding, too!

when it comes to making layouts, coding is essential, sure, but it's what you do with the knowledge of coding that counts. for instance, i know how to code dotted or dashed borders, but i don't really use them 'cause they don't really look good most of the time. to me, at least. :/

and hahah! thanks? :3 i am, though, gah. i fail especially at things out of the internet. D:

hahah, yeah. the pic is really blue.
but i preferred it to the other pic, 'cause... idk. i couldn't really work with the other pic.
but the way you edited it, it looks perfect now. :3
i'm thinking it might look a bit better if it's not so much to the right...
idk. i feel like the all-the-way-to-the-right thing works best if the layout like... stretches from the top of the browser to the bottom, if you know what i mean.
but whatever, it's no big deal. x]
and you're welcome. :3 i'm glad you like it. ^^

lol I love my math teacher. I guessed that it was the G guy, because if you count backwards it makes more sense. But it was just a guess. I know I got two right, though, because I looked in the back of the book.

how's you?

AHH! I love that song!
And I have to write a mystery and my Math teacher (probably thinking it'd be funny) decided that today, the day before a big quiz, would teach us something really hard (joking around more than teaching cuz she's awesome like that) and then give us an assignment with only one of that kind of problem on it. The other four, of course, are about probability, which I learned at least two years ago and haven't used since.

Then there's this one that's all:
Paul, Eric, and Garnet are playing a card game. They have arule that when a player loses a hand, he must subtract enough points from his score to double each of the other player's scores. First Paul loses a hand, then Eric, and then Garnet. Each player now has 8 points. Who lost the most points?

And I'm sitting here like.. what da fuck?

Yeah, we're in the same time zone. XD
BUT SERIOUSLY?! You go to school from nine to four? That sucks. We have from 8:20 to like.. 3. Not much of a difference, but it sounds like a lot. *nods*
Sooooooo... My brother keeps watching One Tree Hill and I wanna chuck a shoe at the TV. Urgh.
It's not helping with my homework...

Ha, I'm always scared about the timezone. 'Cause I don't wanna text you durring school or the night. I'm pretty sure we're in the same one or only an hour off. IDK.

alright. :3

oh, and...
I COMPLETED YOUR REQUEST.
buuuuuuut. i don't know if you'll like it, lol. D: it's okay if you don't like/use it!
it's... idk. go see for yourself, on my profile. :/
hmmmm.

OH! I take back the Barbies statement. For Christmas I murdered a few for my friend and gave her a 'Cold Case' because she wants to be a forensic scientist. I like... covered them in fake blood and it was fun.
But yeah, that was the only time I've ever played with Barbies (much to my mother's dismay).

I never played with Barbies. Ever.

That's not very nice... I applaude you on being able to be selfless. So many people I know wouldn't care if it was going to hurt someone else in the end or stop them from doing something like you said go to college or something. And I know... *hugs* :/

I KNOW! and I mean the mythology behind isn't all that loving in the first place! One of my friends was saying how there shouldn't be a certain day for showing affection anyway, you should do that everyday.

I WILL! Dammit. lol

Dolls have always scared the crap out of me. Especially those porcelain ones that stand up and I swear to God their head moves when you walk past them! (Not to mention the whole 'Playthings' episode and many a scary movie based around that dolls are scary as fuck).

Very true, very true. You gotta love him no matter what, right?

lol thank you. *bows* Love you too *hugs* Now that you explain it this way, though, it makes me think, oh shit, what now? I get what you mean, I like to make sure ev mature... I think it's beautiful that you can actually say that you don't care where he goes with his life as long as he's happy and such. I think you should do what's best, I can't help you there because I don't know these people as well as you do. My heart goes out to you, hun.