Spun Down - Comments

This was absolutely amazing and beautifully written. I can't wait for more :) You captured everything spot-on and none of it felt forced or fake. This is easily one of the best things on this site that I've read.

Ahh, I'm so glad this is back!! I've been awaiting an update and already I'm super duper excited to read their story again. Cassie and Tom are already fleshed out and believable and this was a great way to start off the revamp, introducing the characters and their situations without laying the plot on too thick. Anyways, I can't wait to read more! :D

Hi again. I'm back in your comment box.
And again I remember this story from ages ago but for me it was one of those terribly intimidating stories that I always promised myself I would give a go and I never ended up doing that. And now of course it's a brand new revamped story and so I don't know what it was like before but I can say a few things about how it is now.

Firstly, I already love Cassie. She seems like a practical sort of person, but I feel like right now I can already see a few of her flaws (even though I can't pinpoint any of them), which is what makes crafted characters so great. She seems like a logical kind of person which is a nice contrast to all the artsy-type characters that's the "Mibba norm", I guess you could call it.

And Tom. He's such a nice guy and I feel so bad for him that Cassie broke his heart, but I feel like that was inevitable, given his and Cassie's nature. I dunno maybe I'm just rambling. And this is all in one chapter, so, well done, you. I can't wait to learn more about them.

Story Review Thread

I know I'm subscribed to this story, but I don't know if I ever got the chance to read any of it. Anywho, I'll read chapter five and go back to the rest at a later date and leave you a comment on the story as a whole. :]

Layout To be honest, I'm not a fan. I like the main photo you've used but I don't like the green tones and the grass background. It's just weird looking to me. Also the part I just chilling after the second chapter looks weird to me, and since you don't have that after the other chapters I don't think it has a purpose.

Chapter Five
This mom totally sounds like my own mother. She'll cry for like an hour then clean the world. I totally can relate to this character. Apparently 'moper' isn't a word. According to my Microsoft Word it isn't so I don't know if you want to change that or just keep it. I would keep it, it fits and I can't think of a better word for it. One thing to keep note of, normally[this is something I was taught in English] what you call a member of your family, whether she calls her mom, Mama, or Mother. Whatever it is has to be capitalized. Since I'm guessing it's Mom, you should capitalize it considering that's what she calls her and in a way it's her 'name'. At least that's what I was taught for English.

A hundred percent. This would sound better as One hundred percent.

It surprised a little, but, I mean, I wasn’t one to argue. I don't know if you kept the 'me' out on purpose, but there's that. and there doesn't need to be a comma after 'but'.

With me and Jeremy, Should be With Jeremy, and me.

So there were a few parts that I found where words or commas could've been changed or added, but nothing that has to be done. It sounds completely fine the way it is. To be honest with you, I'm and that I chose to review this because I really like it. I'm glad that nothing major happened in this chapter that would possibly ruin the rest of the story for me, but I wish I would've read it from the beginning. If I'm not already subscribed I'm definitely going to do so now.

Chapter 5
Once again, you go very well into the main character's mind.
I'm still very curious about the family's past because it seems to have a large effect on the present you know? The dad, mom's lost jobs... Why?
And it's cool that Jeremy and the main character are getting closer. I like the characters, but I'm waiting for the depth and conflicts to dig in.

Chapter 4 was well, new horizons being approached I'd say.
You do a great job of going into the character's head, but I sort of lost the visual effect.
Cassidy seemed like she was a part of the whole social dynamic of the school while at the same time sort of challenging it.
I mean, now that I've read this chapter, it's starts to make a little more sense why Jeremy and the main character are friends. They both seem to be in situations where they are trapped.
And I'm becoming more curious on Jeremy's character as well.
I did like the longer chapter length, but the several place movements sort of made it seemed segmented in a way.

Chapter 3 is nice.
I like the reluctant attitude, shows she's still holding onto what she wanted.
And I liked the added history on the family as well, it made things clearer for me. So, her mother is like moving around because of lost jobs and relationships gone wrong?
Makes me curious.
I wish there would be a bit of character description though.

Chapter 2 was really great, well and descriptive. I actually felt the characters heartache and you didn't make it boring.
I like readers who take out the time to dig deep into the moment and you did that.

Well, I really adore the prologue, the whole analogy of comparing a romance to spinning. It was very lyrical and philosophical, gave me this reminiscent feeling about the story and planted it in my mind.
Great work!

You're a great writer!!! I'm astonished! Really.
<3

Lulz, I've been laughing the entire time at this silly desert girl.

ANYWAYS I'm still formulating my opinion. I dunno why, but it's taking me a little longer than usual to get an opinion I think I like Cassidy and her rantings. They're very entertaining to read

It's her relationship with Jeremy that I'm not sure on I'm not sure if I'm game for it or not xD I really want to learn more about his past, but I'm sure that'll be a point of a little drama in the future :)

I could definately volunteer myself as a CO weather consultant though, seeing as I, well, live there xD But honestly Cassidy, pants in August? *coughfreakcough*

Oh but your writing is really wonderful Allison :) Cassidy's narration is perfect, and your writing has really captured her and the plot. I love it.

Tata for now darling <3

I'll comment properly when I've read all of it, but:

"I didn’t care that this must be as difficult for her as it was for me, all I knew was that I was being torn away, kicking and screaming, from Phoenix, my entire life, all I knew, and getting shoved in return into a tiny hick town in Colorado."

Ahem... something wrong with little hick towns in Colorado, Allison?

Ohdear.
I should have read some of your work sooner.
Talent - a good word to describe you're writing.
*subscribe*

Oooh, I'm sensing a disturbance in the force. I like the foreshadowing in this one; I wonder if Kayla's got something going on with Jeremy.

The descriptions are great. I love how Cassidy hates everything, even the chill of an august wind, and Jeremy is relaxing on the lawn shirtless.

I love the concept of "Spinning is the best feeling in the world until you stop," It's so incredible simple,yet true. LOVE.

I love this story and I can't wait for you to post more of it rewritten :) You're an amazing writer and I especially like all your descriptions :D

No murdering here. (:
But I like the restarting of it all.
After all, it's the time for new beginnings.
It's intriguing
yet, I'll still love the story, no matter what you may decide with it.
Your writing is simply amazing.

I've read Spun Down before, but it's been a while so I decided to reread it. I'm glad I did, for a few reasons. For me the main 'thing' that draws me into this story is the description of time passing by, instead of trying to pass off something like 'six months later something big happened'.

I quite like the spinning analogy in the summary, it seems very befitting for love. Also, the contrast of the character's different life in the beginning -- popular to seemingly invisible -- makes you wonder if she was popular at home, why not here. There are a lot of sentence fragments throughout the writing which chop up the flow and make it sound awkward. A good example of that is at the beginning of your story, in your introduction. "A sentence. Is fragmented. When written like. This." Try and make it all one complete sentence because the choppiness doesn't make it dramatic. The way you write it makes it so!