I’m going to review/quote as I go along just as you know and then at the end of this review, I’ll give you my overall verdict of your story, okay?
First of all, I must admit to being in love with the layout of this story – It’s really good and the pictures of Ryan and Brendon you’ve chosen seem to be pointing at a particular era in time, yes? I’ll give you brownie points for the wonderful layout.
- Get Unique.
Sitting in that little cab with Ryan next to me was terrible. Well actually it was wonderful, but it was still terrible.
I’m going to take a guess and say this story is told through the eyes of Brendon Urie, am I correct? I love the start of this chapter and how Brendon’s already contradicting himself; it tells me that maybe, just maybe he’s not meant to be having these feelings of thoughts about the man sat in the cab next to him, Ryan... Ryan Ross I’m going to guess?
I would get so hot I thought I was having a hot flash.
I thought so! He’s sexually attracted to Ryan when he’s really, really, really not meant to be! The way this chapter has started shows me the depth of this character already which I love in a story.
I thought Tessa was much more gorgeous than he was but Ryan just seemed.. irresistable.
I’m going to take [another] guess here and say that Tessa is with either Brendon or Ryan in a maybe stable relationship so Brendon knows his feelings towards Ryan are wrong and nothing will never happen between the two.
I picked a table in the back and a few girls dressed rather whorishly walked over. They smelled like strong, cheap perfume and had enough rouge on to make you gag.
They’re at a cabaret like in the music video for But It’s Better If You Do! I’m probably reading into deeply to this story but I’m going to guess this is set either post or after the Second World War.
"But if you come back in an hour after we've had a few drinks, you never know," he gave the blonde a suggestive glance and I nearly through up.
I sense that Brendon’s a little jealous of the attention Ryan was paying those girls... Maybe Brendon wishes he got that kind of attention from Ryan, yes?
"You've been here what, a month? Give it time and you'll be just like me."
But I didn't want to be like him..
The way Ryan acts makes me want to high-five his face... I love the way you can make the reader feel anger towards him; it just shows that you’re a really good writer.
Before I could say anything, Ryan answered for me. "Yes, he is. Give him a good time, he's rather stressed."
But Brendon’s not anything like Ryan! Why the hell would Brendon really want to sleep with her?
I couldn't say no, I just couldn't.
And that's how I became someone I hated.
I blame Ryan...
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My overall verdict is a good one. I really enjoyed this chapter – it shows the difference between the characters and it shines a great light into Ryan’s past. The way that Brendon knows that he’s not meant to like being so close to Ryan makes me smile because it shows that you’re not trying to be cliché with the whole Ryden story plot line which is done way too much. I love how even though I’ve read just one chapter I know what the characters are like an am able to give you a guess at the era the story is set in; I’ll give you kudos for that.
My only criticism is that there are some grammar and spelling errors in this chapter but no one’s perfect, we all make mistakes.
If you feel that this review wasn’t good enough, hit me up and I’ll write you another one.
Good luck with this story; I can see a lot of people falling in love with it.
As x Fearless Dreams x and SlippersInHandcuffs said, I'm not big on on fanfics... but while reading this story, I almost completely forgot that this was a fanfic. Everytime I read 'Ryan Ross' (as opposed to just 'Ryan'), I was like "Oh ya..." LOL Very original, I love it!
You do a fantastic job in capturing the era in your writing in simpler words and the characters, and I applaud you on that along with how natural every emotion or statement seems. You've overcome two popular flaws, m'dear. Update soon. (;
I love this. I do agree with the comment from SlippersInHandcuffs about the celebrity thing. I'm not a fanfic fan and I think it would possibly be better with just a normal character, not that it isn't already brilliant but I think it would be more unique without Ryan Ross having to be in it.
I actually read what you have so far in under ten minutes. It was so fast paced (in a VERY good way), that I sort of speed read it and still got all of the details. They were natural, kind of. I don't much care for fanfics (Ryan Ross =/), but I can simply imagine a character of your own in place of Mr. Ross. And it shows! The only difference, however, is the name. It would be very, very intriguing (for me, maybe not others) if this weren't based off of present day celebrities. Otherwise, this is spellbinding.
I love stories from different time periods, and this one in particular is rather intriguing. I adore all the little twists you put in here, and I cannot wait for more.