Boy Toy - Comments

When Seb first thought of Ben i thought it was going to be an ex-boyfriend or something
but it turned out to be his big brother
I wonder what happened to him

quite enjoyed that past update.
:)
I kinda love Seb, he's amazing.
Update soon.
:D

I love this storryyy!
Even tho I'm straight, I'm a sucker for a good gay romance. I love them! <3
Great job writing it and can't wait for the next chapter!!!! (:

This is effing sick. I hope you write more. please.

Well, at least you updated. Hmm?

Hmmmm.
Well, sorry for the incredibly late comment D:
But anywho.
I would still read it if a girl was brought in, fer sure.
I just like the aspect that it's slash more :]
Update sooon <3

A few of my friends have their nipples peirced.
They said it wasn't too bad.

Hmmm I'd have to say
I have no idea
The fact that it was slash kinda got me to read it in the first place
But i would still love it either way
although i really do love Sebastion and Marshal
They bring something that otherwise wouldn't be there if one of them was a girl
Do you get what i mean?

Awh how cute ;D
Update!!

I read this story because you are a very, very talented writer. I love your writing style, and the way you portray your character's emotions and thoughts. It's deep, and it's almost mesmerizing in a way.

But, I also must admit that I do read this because it's slash. Not to say I'm only reading it because it slash, but just because I prefer it to hetero. It's just how I am with stories. Slash suits my... tastes better, I guess you could say.

If there was a girl for Marshall, that would be a little sad. I absolutely adore Sebastian, and I think he and Marshall make a wonderful couple. But it's your story, and if the girl fits for whatever reason, go ahead and add her in. I really love this story.

Update soon? <3

I'm not going to lie, what drew me here is the fact that it's slash. Even with the great writing and plot, if Sebastian were suddenly Serena or some shit, a female, I wouldn't read it. I don't know why, het just isn't as fun.
:].

Anyways,
I really like this.
<3.

I started to read it because it was slash, but I've only kept on reading it because I like the characters and how the story is developing.
:)

Loving the story so far,
I'm kind of loving Sebastian so you should make Marshal see him more
XD

Story Review Game

First off, I just want to say that the layout is perfect. It seems to match the theme, and mood of the story, even at first glance, and not to mention, it doesn't burn my eyes.

Marshall is mad as hell. Holy flying fuck, is he pissed. I like that subtle little repetition you have, and how you used it for a beginning. It's that type of thing that sort-of makes you want to chuckle, yet, you know it's serious. Good job with that.

His mind doesn’t quite register the crack of bone against knuckles because he’s too busy marveling over the fact that he actually hit someone; hard, and in the face. Ha! I love how realistic that actual is-- I mean, it really sets it in perspective for me, personally. I see way too many stories (heck, it's even in movies.) where people just punch, and kick, and throw themselves at other people without a single second thought, or anything... or at least, not the way you put it. It's what I would think, right after punching someone, and maybe that's why I like it so much.

You just hit someone! his mind screams at him, excitedly. You need to put quotation marks around "You just hit someone!" (either that, or italicize it), and then add a comma before "his mind screams at him, excitedly."

Because let's face it. Marshall is kind of a pussy and he’d be lying if he said that it didn’t surprise the hell out of him to be punching Nathan in the face. Ha, ha. I like this line. It's got characterization, but it's funny. That's what writing's all about, really. I mean, part of it-- mixing the proper elements, and still making it memorable, y'know?

Marshall had never had the pleasure of meeting him though; he was a good kid. Usually, anyway. It's obviously pretty interesting as to why such a good kid would be led to do such a thing; basically, the reader really starts to think here. And it's interestingly put.

“So, kid, I don’t know your name ‘cause you’ve never been in here, but I do know that you’re suspended for three days,” he says quickly and shoves his big meaty hands in his suit coat pocket and sits all tough-like on the corner of the desk. Marshall can’t help but wonder if he likes the feeling of the sharp wood go up his ass. This thought gets Marshall giggling, so he’s sitting there, laughing his ass off as the principal stares and looks angry. Oh, gosh, this entire paragraph is absolutely great. Perfect, even. The way the principle talks, your description as to what he looks like, the hilarious (but yet again, probable) thoughts of Marshall... I love it.

As his giggles start to slow and the ache in his stomach settles in, Marshall realizes again just how miserable he is. Aw... it seems we discover his real emotions, here. Or, well, persay. Ha...

His stomach hurts like it’s about to fall out, his fist is pounding and starting to turn colors, nobody loves him anymore, and he can hear his mom screaming through the phone from twelve feet away. Plus, the creepy eighty year old secretary is totally checking him out from her seat across the desk. Marshall’s life fucking sucks. Y'know what I specifically like about this? It really does seem like he has real reason to be miserable. You make it easy to relate, to say the least. And of course, the bit about the secretary still adds that element of humor, and I don't know who'd find it otherwise.

I like how you explain that Marshall feels he did nothing wrong-- treated Nathan like "king", even. It's definitely favorable to the typical, "And well, jeez, Nathan was just a dick. Like, omg," Ha, y'know? It's just typically so... boring, and unreal. But, not in this case.

He may be grounded, but his first floor window most definitely unlocks without a squeak and his mom goes to bed at 9:15 religiously every night. He’s never snuck out before, but he’s absolutely sure that’ll be easy as hell, and he’s planning the night out in his head before the clock ever strikes three. Personally, I love the way you ended this chapter. It's one of those endings that can be final, like a one-shots, or one that allows for the story to further on. And it's just, so wonderfully worded... I doubt you could've done it better, or that anyone else could've. It's just... excellent.

This entire thing is great. I really did enjoy it, and your writing style is unique.
Keep up the good work with this. Really.

Duuude,
I just found this, and...yeah. I fucking love it.
Everything's so...original and detailed, and...YEAH!
<333333333333333.

And you should be glad you're so cool and popular, nein?
:D.
....I would be...Maybe.

Story Review Game, Chapter 1

It’s these words right here that make Marshall’s world crash, fall, and burn around him. It’s these words right here that make his heart shatter into millions of unfixable pieces. Okay, maybe not these words specifically, but these words pouring out of Nathan’s mouth, out of his Nathan’s mouth.

I don’t know what it is, but something about this paragraph doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe it’s the way it’s worded…Yeah, I think that’s it. I like the first line, where he says I can’t see you anymore. It makes me curious as to what’s coming next. But the following paragraph just doesn’t sit well.

Marshall can’t breathe, let alone speak. The tears are pouring out of his eyes, seeming to come from no where. It’s like he knew what was coming before Nathan even opened his mouth.

I liked this paragraph a lot better. Except for the words ‘no where’ should be combined into ‘nowhere’. But I really liked how this paragraph was put together. :)

They don’t work together anymore, they’re not making each other happy, and… well, Nathan doesn‘t like lying. But it’s still going to hurt Marshall, of course it is, or he wouldn’t be crying his once-glistening hazel eyes out.

There are a few errors in this paragraph, but it’s good. …well, Nathan doesn’t like lying. should be capitalized; it’s a different sentence. And But it’s still going to hurt Marshall, of course it is, or he wouldn’t be crying his once-glistening hazel eyes out. should be put into two different sentences. But the substance of this paragraph is really good. I like it.

He wishes he drank, so that he could just be totally wasted and numb, but he doesn’t drink, and neither do his parents, so the house is alcohol free.

This is my favorite sentence in the entire chapter, but I think it could use a little revising. If you took out Neither do his parents, so the house is alcohol free, I think it would make it a lot sharper and clearer. I think adding in the parents is kind of useless, unless they’re important in later chapters as to why they have to break up. Either way, it’s still my favorite sentence in the chapter.

He’s gone over every moment he can ever remember them having together, even the ones before they began dating that could’ve caused this and he’s coming up blank, time and time again.

I don’t think there should be a coma between blank and time and time again.

It takes a week and three and a half days before his mom realizes that he’s not escaped from his room, and makes him come out.

I think you meant to use the word left instead of escaped; using the word ‘escaped’ makes it sound as if his mother had him trapped in there or something. ^.^

And true to his inkling, he did find out how long it took before he could stop producing tears: 156 hours.

I love this sentence. It makes me smile; and it makes me as a reader realize how important this was to him. I really like how you incorporated the number of hours into it; it makes it all that much more realistic.

So he simply washed his face and Febreez’d himself before exiting the house quickly.

This line made me giggle. Febreez’d himself. ^.^

Overall, I really enjoyed this, and I think I’m going to read the rest of it and subscribe. ^.^

:( why'd you end the chapter like that???
i need some more slash. ;D

Love love love, of course! Sebastian's such a cutie! And I'm workin' on the smut darling! Later this week!

Aww he's finally over Nathan
*does a happy dance*
:)
But he HAS to keep seeing Sabastion
see those capital letters that means im being extrembly serious :)

No D: he's gonna keep seeing sebby :c