Boy Toy - Comments

OOOHH. make this baddd. :D
like, insanely badass.
:)
i liked that chapter. thank goodness you turned this into a story! (:

ah meh zing!!!
continue the story, its really good

Make it into a fucking story. :D
I'm in need of a new original slash.

PRIZE 1
I love the layout and the title. Layout is done nicely with the photo, and colors. I like it much.

I sort of feel like the summary looks sort of cluttered. I feel like the winning and whatever would go better in maybe the authors note.

I love the paragraph you use to tell the story. Makes me laugh and pity him that the one things he wants most he can't have and even if he could have it he wouldn't.

I love the names you have given your characters. Marshall, is something you hardly ever here, which I like. And Nathan is a very common boys name, but you hardly find it in fiction on this site.

seeming to come from no where, I don't know why but I laughed at this. I imagined the tears sprouting from random pores in his face.

I like it a lot. It's sad, and I felt so bad for Marshall. :(

I like how you kept it in the present tense, stories like that are always so poetically written. Good job. :)

Yes! Make it into a story! (:
This was so good!
Message me if you do make it a story?
You're an amazing writer, just saying. :D

wahhh. i like this.
you should definitely make this into a story. (:
i think all the readers are telling you to make it into a story. ;D

This was very good.
I would definitely continue to read it, should you make it a story.

i totally loved this story! =] you should definitely continue this as a story! =]

i agree "buried myself alive" would have fit so much better but i liked it anyway.

First off, love the song.

“He’s sprawled out on the floor, with his eyes shut and the tears continuing to pour, while he wonders what exactly it was that he did to make Nathan not love him anymore.”

I feel like this line really encaptures not just Nathan and Marshall’s situation, but the feeling that everyone feels after a particularly strenuous relationship.

“he did find out how long it took before he could stop producing tears: 156 hours.”
Is that true?

“Nathan looks good, he looks healthy, and most of all, he doesn’t look crushed in the least.
And this crushes Marshall even more.”
That is maybe one of the most resonate lines in the whole story. Not just for me personally, going through that, but I know that anyone who has been completely devastated by a break up then ran into that other person, only to see them fucking fine…sorry, memories.

Overall this story is a very sad, but very accurate, portrayal of the feelings following a situation like that. I have gone through almost the exact same things, so I really felt a connection with Marshall, and a deep hatred of Nathan.

My only critique is that I feel we don’t know enough about Kale to establish one feeling of the other. I mean, you mention that Kale betrayed Marshall, but does that mean they were friends? That Kale knew Marshall and Nathan were dating, but went through with his and Nathan’s relationship anyway? And speaking of, did Kale and Nathan have a real relationship, or was it just sex?

I really liked this story, though. The song fit very nicely, and the story itself was very well written. Kudos.

Actually, though, one of the songs that came most to my mind is Buried Myself Alive by The Used. I know you didn’t get a choice in your song, and On My Own still fit, but that song just came to mind.

“With my foot on your neck I finally have you right where I want you…
I guess its okay I puked the day away, I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way. And if you want me back, you’re gonna have to ask nicer than that.”

Yes, make this into a story.
This was amazing.
There wenre'nt any mistakes I could find.
I loved it.
You should deff watch out for the winners.

I think we should make a story together, kind of like this one :]
I think it would be cool.