Romance - Comments

Well worth the wait.

Other than the incredible plot, if there is one thing that really stands out in this story; it's your magnificent descriptions.

Gail’s stomach lurched. Her mind spun like a deranged carosel, and her heart was beating it’s way out of her chest.
That's a very intense description that certainly stood out in my mind. A deranged carosel is a very unique description, although the last one I would think of, that fits perfectly in with the story.

For extra effect, she swiftly brought her bony wrist to face, expecting her thin watch to have been there. It wasn’t.
This shows clearly, without being too up front, how difficult her husband's obsession with the case must have been for her to deal with. All of her movements seem to be altered, in a bad way, by her husband's case.

And the cliff hanger at the end is really going to bother me until I figure out more of what's going on. The way he just ran out like that? There has to be something happening, and I think I have an idea what, but I suppose I'll just have to wait and see.
You are an incredible writer, and I enjoy this story very much.
I love it. Update again when you can.
Forgiven for the late update, I love it just the same. :cute:

I feel so awful for making you guys wait three months for yet another update.
Please forgive me?

-Grins as widely as I can.-

Absolutely no wrong. ^^ It's awesome if I can make somebody feel better through a review on a chapter. And man. You really deserved it. [x

The Jiggsaw.:

Again. My delays. They're horrible burdens because you stroke such words onto a page of an updated chapter. Really. I find it hard to even begin my comment, let aside make it through the whole thing and end it. God Fuck. Thank you, is really what I need to be starting my reviews off with. Thank you for writing this; thank you for putting up that journal advertising this; thank you for keep going with it. Your sense of writing is beyond what I've known. It's... it's... it's perfect. And perfect never floats in my eyes. But you do. /=

Beams of fluorescent lights cast shallow shadows amongst the small room, mixing in with the rather drab furnishings randomly placed around the space. A padded folding chair to the right, a stretch of a leather sofa in the left-hand corner. Exactly three potted plants accompanied the orange shag carpeting, and close inspection made me realize that they were fake. (Actually, I could see the plastic details from across the room…)

Damn it. You have no idea how close I came to shedding a tear or two for that paragraph. You. Have. No. Fucking. Clue. I wanted to cry in the dust of the beauty of those lines. The only time I've cried in the magnificent beauty of something was reading "The Catcher in the Rye," "The Perk of Being a Wallflower," or Zodiac's work, or listening to Bright Eyes, and our friends in My Chemical Romance. Other times, I've cried at the dripping sorrow of things, but hardly is there ever so much intense beauty that shatters me. You're one of the top up there. Good work.

I liked the fact that your character just did not have any need or desire to go to a concert. In fact, I /adored/ that she detested the thought of herself crowded beneath hundreds of people who were all intimate in melody and lyrics to the point where she'd probably feel left out and pushed under the weight of their rising voices. I think it's one of the things that makes me love her structure so deep into my veins. She's real, not painted to thickly or just loose brushes against porcelain. She's realistic and herself. Not some old, worn down character you'd find after opening any top selling book.

Again. Thank you.

Holy Shit.
I was having such a horrible day, and now I can safely say that your comment made me feel 100% better.
Thank you so, so much. :arms:

Again. My delays. They're horrible burdens because you stroke such words onto a page of an updated chapter. Really. I find it hard to even begin my comment, let aside make it through the whole thing and end it. God Fuck. Thank you, is really what I need to be starting my reviews off with. Thank you for writing this; thank you for putting up that journal advertising this; thank you for keep going with it. Your sense of writing is beyond what I've known. It's... it's... it's perfect. And perfect never floats in my eyes. But you do. /=

Beams of fluorescent lights cast shallow shadows amongst the small room, mixing in with the rather drab furnishings randomly placed around the space. A padded folding chair to the right, a stretch of a leather sofa in the left-hand corner. Exactly three potted plants accompanied the orange shag carpeting, and close inspection made me realize that they were fake. (Actually, I could see the plastic details from across the room…)

Damn it. You have no idea how close I came to shedding a tear or two for that paragraph. You. Have. No. Fucking. Clue. I wanted to cry in the dust of the beauty of those lines. The only time I've cried in the magnificent beauty of something was reading "The Catcher in the Rye," "The Perk of Being a Wallflower," or Zodiac's work, or listening to Bright Eyes, and our friends in My Chemical Romance. Other times, I've cried at the dripping sorrow of things, but hardly is there ever so much intense beauty that shatters me. You're one of the top up there. Good work.

I liked the fact that your character just did not have any need or desire to go to a concert. In fact, I /adored/ that she detested the thought of herself crowded beneath hundreds of people who were all intimate in melody and lyrics to the point where she'd probably feel left out and pushed under the weight of their rising voices. I think it's one of the things that makes me love her structure so deep into my veins. She's real, not painted too thickly or just loose brushes against porcelain. She's realistic and herself. Not some old, worn down character you'd find after opening any top selling book.

Again. Thank you.

:cheese:
The imagery you have is fucking amazing.
I wouldn't have liked this any other way.
You have amazing writing abilities.

Her face was pallid and sallow, drained of any color; Except for her lips. As in all the newly dead, the girl’s lips bore a small tint of purple, reminiscent of the aftermath of a child’s candy. Thick, matted and coarse brown hair hung limply from her fading scalp, brushing roughly the top of her bony shoulders. The dead girl’s skeletal frame lay stiff, half way swimming in the sea of abundant shadows that ravaged the narrow alley.
^I got the perfect image of the girl. I could almost see her through my own two eyes, or if I was Detective Primmer. You have such amazing description skills. And you ended it perfectly. Not too bad, not too good, just right.

Amazing job.<33

=D Update!
It was incredible.
I don't know why, but this was one of my favorites, actually. I don't think it needs to be re-done.
She asked, fluttering around the god - awful room like a restless, caged bird.
This description really stood out to me. It's the first time I've ever heard someone described this way, and I really like it. It's unique and fits perfectly into the story.
I knew damn well that my father would be more than thrilled to have me engage in something normal for my age, and I was never much of a natural liar to begin with.
This sentence made me very excited to read the new chapter. You couldn't have chosen a better one. Actually, my Internet was being slow, and I just couldn't wait for the page to load so I could read it.

Honestly, your writing is fantastic. There's really no other way to describe it. You certainly have a special style that ties into your writing perfectly.
The update is beautifully written, and I really love this story.
More when you can.
xoxo

Whoa, prolonged updated much?(:
Chapter four - finally! - has arrived. Hehe..
Comment?

I almost feel sorry for Gerard. I'd feel more sorry for him if I hadn't written that oneshot yet. XD

Argh, I hate teenies. They just need to be shot. Then taken outside and shot again.

I'm sorry it look so long for my comment to come. My life isn't perfect and that shows. I'm fighting problems and time so don't be scared or disappointed if I don't report a review right away. I will, in time. I won't ignore you or you truly beautiful story.

I'd like to really start this thing by talking over this: As I waved goodbye to the fans, I heard one of them screech: “Gerald was so nice to give us those autographs, riiiight?”

Ugh, I find that kind of useless speech annoying as it is, and in that manner, it ticks my nerves off an edge. >< Ugh, it sickens me that people can be so insolent and ignorant and lower their brain IQ. I don't even know what it is about that kind of text that makes me angered. I think it's because the person appears to be stupid when they go about saying things like that.

"His shoes padded against the sidewalk, his face slightly illuminated from the distant glow of the street lamps that run down the parkway, and stretch across the entire grimy city. Detective Primmer’s face is blank. His array of time drawn crow’s feet lay unused by the creases of his eyes, his thin lips stay planted on themselves. Continuing his walk, Detective Primmer realizes with a heavy sigh that he had tread no further."
I have no idea if this story is present tense or past tense. It seems to switch back-and-forth quite a bit. And the above paragraph is just an example. I saw instances of the tense changing all throughout the prologue. And because it is a prologue (taking place in 1947) I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be past tense.

"By the time the paramedics had bolted into view, with his careful strides."
I read that again and again, but I don't think it's a sentence. And it sounds really awkward when read aloud.

"By the time the paramedics had bolted into view, with his careful strides. The coroner set his briefcase down, and shifted through it’s contents."
I think you should replace the period with a comma to form one sentence. And you shouldn't say "it's". "Its" should be there instead.

"“We think so. Probably a runaway......Nobody ‘round here seems to know her."
Way too many dots. "..." would easily suffice there. And "...." doesn't bother me when used occasionally.

"solemn mind..."
Okay, you overuse ellipses, making them lose their effect after a while. Use more commas and semi-colons instead.

All in all, it was a decent read. I'll probably read more of it when I get the time.

This story is SO well-written! I know everyone else said it already, but the descriptions are amazing and I'm sixteen and would KILL to write like you can! Meh, now you're gonna hate mine because...well, it sucks :P But that's okay because you write so good that I don't care!

Your descriptions..I can't help but bring them up again.
Simply incredible.
I can imagine exactly how this scene looked.
"The teenies" are really funny; the icing on the cake.
Very nice update.
Hope to see more from you soon.
xoxo

I know so many people like this older sister. I really enjoyed this chapter a lot. Your narrator doesn't seem too fake or sad or anything. She's real. And I think that's the one thing we all miss in stories right now.

Romance:
I'm sorry I know this is very late but I gave it my best efforts to make up for my lack of sense of time, so here it goes:
I absoloutlely loved your descriptions, so detailed yet not in a boring way.

The only negative thing I have to say -Before I go on with the review- is about your unnessecary use of 'The' which kind of affects the flow of words and how they sound read aloud like in : Small blue eyes hid under his sloping eyebrows, the hair thick and dark. It would sound better if you just said: Hair thick and dark.
The plot is interesting

As in all the newly dead, the girl’s lips bore a small tint of purple, reminiscent of the aftermath of a child’s candy.
That line was very intruiging to me, that simile really caught my eye and that's what I love about a good story. Similes and metaphores. And you nailed them.

I very much was impressed by your choice of words, it fitted everything so perfectly.
All in all awesome job. I'm liking it so far.

You guys just made my week. Seriously.
-Hugs-

Wow. All-in-all, this story is fantastic.

The descriptions of the murder are so in-depth, I can easily picture exactly what this girl looks like. The purple tinted lips really made it realistic, so that she wasn't a flawless porcelain doll. The detective caring about this girl, the guilt that he is feeling even though he has seen other (worse) cases is a very emotional moment, and you pulled it off expertly.
The fact that the girl was only 16 made this even more of an important moment; her life was merely unfolding, and it was ended, and everyone seemed to sense this. You use wonderful, vivid vocabulary, and it has a drastic affect.

The second chapter was also incredible. My friends rant about humanity's problems a lot, and if the names had been changed, I could have sworn that I was standing right in the middle of one of my friend's rants. The fact that it was true, and that people actually do start wars and use all the money in that instead of buying food or medication and saving people's lives is so true, and very unfortunate. It had a nice affect on the story. Also, the way you described rain was absolutely incredible. Rain is a miserable thing, in my mind. But you filled it with beauty and passion, only the way a girl who hadn't seen it for years could have seen it.

You have superb writing skills.
This plot is very original, and had me hooked from the beginning.
I have to subscribe, this is such an incredible storyline and story in general.
xoxo

The others said much of what I'd like to, so I apologize if this sounds repetitive.

The description is amazing. It's just so...I can't describe it, which is really ironic. I can see everything in my mind, it's a perfectly clear picture. The vocabulary is extremely advanced, especially for your age. Same with the sentence structure, I don't think I've seen the equal of this quality almost anywhere, save in published books.

English-geek things aside, this is an amazing story. I love how you just drop the reader into the situation with no explaination, then continue. It's a really good premise to begin with, but you add in your terrific writing skills, it's just beyond comprehension.

I really hope you continue this story, because I'm subscribing. :D

i agree with War Worn Lipstick.
i too can't find anything to criticized, so i'm subscribing, and keep up the good work

oh. my. goodness.
your writing is so descriptive! And you're only 13? Seriously. But the descriptions of the dead girl and everything else were perfection. Even when the detective was walking, you described how he walked. heck, I just put "he trudged..blah blah blah."

I like how you jump around, sort of getting right into the middle of everything. there's no unnecessary crap before you get down to the good stuff. but it's not so that you're confused and sort of sitting there with your mouth open, trying to make sense of it.

Your writing is spectacular. You need to continue this story, because I'm subscribing. O.O