She's so Bright - Comments

Ok hello I'm going to need to start this comment off with assuring you that I don't mean any of this to be rude. I just have a lot of criticisms. Next up, I obviously don't know you, and I don't know how much you know about the mental illness you're writing about or if you suffer with it, or whatever. I don't know any of that, but I'm going to put my two cents in there without knowing any of that anyway.

Ok so, your writing is not bad at all. It's actually pretty good, and I enjoy it to an extent. I was initially interested in this story because I am a huge The Maine fan, I love reading fanfics for them, all that stuff, but I read past the summary because social anxiety is actually something I've had to deal with for a very long time. I'm always attracted to stories I can relate to, even if I'm not a fan of the "love fixes all!" trope that this story seems to utilize.

The first few chapters are well-written, and I like the second one (I agree, I love writing out character's thoughts. It's just easier to me).
The third chapter is where I find a lot of problems. A lot of the information on social anxiety is accurate to an extent. It can manifest in early childhood, you can have panic attacks, it is very intense. However, how you explained the family dealing with the Ellarie's social anxiety is strange; going without seeing a mental health professional until middle school if symptoms started in early elementary school is just negligent, and I'm interested to know what her parents tried for so long before taking her to a therapist or psychiatrist (I know this isn't a real case, and I'm getting a little too into this now, sorry). Homeschooling isn't the first logical option for a child/adolescent dealing with social anxiety, therapy and/or medication is, and it is more often than not effective. Now onto her stay at a mental hospital, five years is honestly just unbelievable. The average stay for mental disorders is about 7 days, patients with major depressive disorder and the like , closer to 6 days. The idea of an adolescent staying in a mental institution for more than a few days, a few weeks at most, is basically unheard of. We're just not living in a time where you lock up mental health patients anymore. The longest I've heard of some staying in an institution consecutively is about 3 months, but a majority of that time wasn't for mental health issues, but issues on where the patient in question would go other than the institution. I know that a long term stay in a mental hospital can be an appealing plot point, but it's just not realistic. People dealing with disorders like social anxiety don't get help like that, they get help by finding a balance between a good therapist and some medication.
Beyond that, a lot of the interaction between Ellarie and John doesn't read like she has social anxiety. It's not just not being able to talk, but chapters from Ellarie's point of view may convey social anxiety better, though I wouldn't say chapter seven is an accurate representation, either. All in my opinion, of course.

Other than a lot of inaccuracies about anxiety and other things having to do with mental illness, you use a lot of problematic language. That can easily be chalked up to in-character dialogue, I don't know, but I'd try to stay away from terms like "loony bin" and any slurs (the r slur and faggot). Another one that caught my eye is in the most recent author's note, when you say that you struggle with writing Ellarie because she isn't normal. People with social anxiety and other mental disorders are perfectly normal, remember that. I know what you mean, but it just was very wrong phrasing.

The characters in the first few chapters are okay. They aren't badly written or anything. Ellarie seems interesting, but if anything is a stock character for a lot of young adult novels. We don't know much about her besides her mental illness, and that could be because the story isn't too far along yet, but I'd keep an eye on that character development. Molly seems interesting, but, understandably, I don't know much about her, either. The only thing I would hate it see is those two girls pitted against each other for whatever reason, a love triangle or whatever. It is a boring and sexist trope. I'm not saying that's what you have planned, I'm just hoping that doesn't happen.

The other comment I had is that, as I mentioned in the beginning of this comment, is that this story seems to rely heavily on the "love cures everything" trope. I stress that mental illness does not work like that, and no one would be cured of disorder just because they fell in love, even if the person they fell in love with helps them with everything. It's just not how it works; mental illness, a lot of the time, is something people have to deal with for the majority of their lives, and it's hard even with unlimited amounts of support.

Again, I'm sorry if this comment comes off as rude or condescending, because I don't mean it to be. My writing isn't perfect by any means. It's just that I saw a lot of inaccuracies about mental illnesses and the treatment of them when I was reading this. It's constructive criticism, I promise. It's just that mental illness isn't really just a plot point that you can play around with so freely. There are a lot of things that you, and many other writers, get wrong when writing about mental illness, especially if you're writing about a mental illness that you don't have. And if this seems excessive, it's just because it's personal. Social anxiety and depression are disorders I have to deal with, I've tried to kill myself, I've spent time in a mental hospital, I've been off and on medications, I've seen different therapists, I've missed large chunks of school because of my mental illness. I've dealt with all of this, and even though I don't speak for everyone dealing with depression or social anxiety (quite the opposite, I can only truly speak for myself), I recognize inaccuracies when I see them.
Bottom line, I just don't want to see mental illnesses romanticized, as they are far too often. They aren't a quirk someone can just come and take care of because they love you. I'm not saying that you're doing this, that you're romanticizing it, I'm just warning you.

Like I said, your writing isn't bad, not at all. It's fairly good writing, and I'm sure you'll only get better. I just had a lot of criticisms for this story in particular, hopefully you see it as constructive criticism, because I mean it that way.

Also, side note, your layout is beautiful. Good luck with your writing.

its sweet that john likes ellarie because shes "special" but ellarie is freaky weird

I feel bad for Molly...she seems like a really cool girl, but it's obvious she's yearning for a love she'll never have. She so badly wants John to love her back, but he never does so she tries dating other guys but always finds her way back to John in hopes that he's realized he wants to be with her. He never does though, and she'll always be stuck until she gets out of this yo-yo relationship and over him.

Is that a late christmas miracle?! Now you updated you CAN'T let us waiting for another year, do you hear me miss? The way Elarie talked about the past remind me the speech before Taylor Swift's "i knew you were trouble".

Glad you're back! I'm hoping you're planning to continue this story because I can't wait to see what is in store for Ellarie and John.

i know you just updated but i cant wait for the next already!

more, please!

More :]

Well, the new Ellarie's picture it's not how I imagine her, I think in my head she looks like Zooey Deschanel with green eyes, idk. I can't say if Molly will be the bitch or a helping hand in the story, too soon to tell.

I love this story...it's a lot different from others out there. Ellarie is definitely a myster but I feel like John can help her. I can't wait to find out more about Molly either. She seems really ballsy and unafraid.

Update soon :)

oooh, i'm just loving it! love the characters, all of them seem so real (well, only Ellarie isn't, but you understand what i said). please update and poor john :(

Gaacckk, loving this. Can't wait to jump more into their heads and see where this goes. Thank you! (:

Poor john! And I really really like the way you describe john as a character. More chapter soon!

haha oh god i love her character! can't wait for the next update so please update soon ☺

I just i i can't please update soon :((

I LOVE THIS.

I think what this story needs is a new update :P I love it :)

OH MY GOSH! AND YOU LEAVE IT LIKE THIS?! WHY?! I am just IN LOVE with your story. I was so excited to see you updated. I seriously want to know what the part Garrett didn't tell John. And man, that guy was deep and good looking, I don't blame Ellarie. this chapter did not suck at all. whatever. I cant wait for more. (:

Awwwww that's interesting! I really like garrett like that