Leliel - Comments

You described everything so deeply. I could really picture everything which was going on. Your characters were captivating and so was this story. You have a real gift. Taking characters and twisting them into your own. I loved it. wonderful job :) keep it up.

I really liked this :]
I could really see it play out; well done :]

Wow.. I really liked this. I spotted one or two errors but I really liked it. Good job :)

I was absolutely stunned by this. It was just so amazing it literally took my breath away. Your writing is amazing and it captured my interest as soon as I began reading. I loved the concept of how Medusa and Leliel were both lovers, it was interesting. Overall this was just really amazing.<3

Okay, wow. That was fantastic. There are no other words to describe it. (:

While I was reading the story I swear I could picture the entire thing in my head like a movie.
I kind of wanted him to succumb to the darkness because of his love for Medusa. But then I felt guilty
And was cheering him on to just kill her already. Your story was so good and it had me wishing it was a full-length novel.

this was really good.
i loved it.
:D
<333

I loved it. The battle was interesting and I loved the ending. Great job. :)

This was really good and quite interesting; however, I think you could have done a bit more with the other characters. Good job, though:)

Well, everyone's already mentioned the layout so I'll get right to it.

"Then I will be forced to take lethal actions," My voice boomed across the field.
My wouldn't have a capital, and you already used for in the paragraph prior, so I think you should switch it up.

"Do you honestly think you have the power," She laughed. "Or the will to do it? You'll hesitate, just like you always do. You will fall to my feet."
The she is lower case and after laughed it should be a comma, which would make the or lowercase as well.

We circled each other and she leaped to kick me but I dodged it. She reached for me, and I again managed to dodge as I scanned for an opening to strike her.
You use dodge too many times, and why would she leap to kick? 'Cause I'm picturing ninja stuff at the moment.

As I watched the Fae be torn limb by limb Medusa
After limb a comma is needed.

"Call them off and I'll spare you," She said with a majestic smile.
Again, lowercase.

to my god
Since he obviously holds him as a great figure of respect, I would think it to be capatilized.

I summoned everything I had in me and forced the energy towards the dragon and it lit up like a torch.
Too many... ands.

Thick flames covered its scaly body obscuring its features.
After body, a comma is needed.

from it then it became silent.
When referring to the dragon, try and use a different title other than it, since you already used it for the atmosphere.

I sauntered towards her conjuring my sword.
Comma after her.

sickening humans," She pleaded, putting her hands over my body.
She again, is lowercase. And also, try to include where she touched him.

not saying anything, as the chaos around us continued.
No comma.

"We could be the greatest,"
Peroid.

"Yes," I whispered captured by her voice.
Comma after whispered.

Then cheers and cries of rage where heard everywhere.
I think suddenly would be better suited.

"Watch out!" someone yelled.
Someone would have a capital.

But of course you didn't," She charged towards me, claws growing out of her hands.
I think you know the drill.

"And this time you will stay that way," There was a tremulous note in my voice.
Again.

And like Bella said, you should put a spacer to differenciate the perspectives.

Okay, done with all that. Now, I've got to say, the concept: loved it! :D
I've never read anything like this to be honest.
And the last line was pretty sick too.

THUMBS UP FROM ME.

Holy shit, this is going to be long. .__.

I loved the concept actually.
However, the reoccuring grammar errors irked me a bit. When someone is speaking, and it's followed by he/she/they/I said/growled/asked/shouted/etc there's no period and no capitalized letter following it.

This example is WRONG:
"I love you." He said.

This is RIGHT:
"I love you," he said.

You do this a few times, and for me it ruins the flow.
And in the end, I think there should've been a line breaker since you switched POV. But to be honest I didn't live the POV switch at all. It always gets confusing when you have those in the middle of chapters, especially oneshots, and especially when you don't do more of a break between them.

-

But overall it was good. I like your style of writing, and I liked the concept, like I said. :)

Wow. Great piece of fiction.
And I actually liked the layout.
^_^

Classic. (8

That was like insane. -.- (In a good way.)

The descriptions were interesting and captivating. (Am I even using that word correctly?) Anyways, well done.

This was great! I agree about the layout, its sort of distracting. But over all, I really liked this. It's not the typical thing I'd read but I still loved it! Awesome! :D

wow,
I love how the opening line draws the reader in
The apocolypse is coming

How can you not read the rest after that?!

There were some errors, but I don't really care about those.
You describe everything beautifully. I loved it!

Okay, so this was cool.
This is the only thing I've ever read like this. I love it.
Ooh, and the last line? Awesome. Pure awesome.

Nice work! I loved the ending.

Good job at building emotion in your writing. :D

I loved the last line; He would forever remain the angel of darkness in the shadows of the graveyard..

I thought this is a great, suspensful, piece of work. I liked the fact that you used Medusa a a character, as I find that particular myth fascinating. Amazing impact, and interesting plotline. I liked it :)

The impact of both there hate and love killed them. I think you mean their :)

Everything became quite. Then cheers and cries of rage where heard everywhere. Quiet, right? :)

Other than those two, this was lovely. It has a unique plot and Medusa is hardly ever in stories. The layout is fine in my eyes :)