Pearl of the Stars - Comments

End of chapter one a scream died in my throat. Before it's death, it shook and vibrated in storms.

Amazing story :) You have an amazing talent in writing and descriptive pieces xx (:

Okay, since I'm sort of pressed for time, I'm choosing the first chapter of this to write. That way I can eliminate some confusion out here and there right away. There's nothing I hate more than having to read the latest chapter of something I haven't been keeping up with regularly. So here we go! Remember, nothing I say is meant to be taken in a rude way.

Long ago, before the earliest memories of the elders, there was a time when the land was wild. Wild was not the same as crazy nor disordered, not at all. I think you have a great beginning here, so good job on that already. The thing I don't like though, is the word nor. I don't think it belongs in this sentence. Your description throughout the rest of that paragraph is, however, beautiful.

I think in your second paragraph, the word freedom is used too much. You can either cut them out or go get a thesaurus and look up some nice synonyms for the word itself. Thesarus.com is a great resource.

The prince soon became wearied. His blessing had somehow become a curse. At the mere age of seven, his family escaped the kingdom and hid somewhere far in the countryside, leaving the Kingdom of Erequay Now, how exactly do you pronounce that, Amanda? I'm sitting here sounding it out looking like a damn fool. All for who? You. 'Cause I love you. But still, HOW?! XD Put it in the authors note next time if you will, for those of us challenged people.

“Bartha! Bartha, I found one!” Violet laughed as she raced through the open door of the house, her heart beating rapidly with pride and motion. Wow, nice name there. I know it's because of the setting and all though, don't worry. Not...hating on it or anything. Haha. I don't think motion should go here. Obviously your heart is going to beat and that is motion so why would it beat with pride and motion if it's...already moving?

There wasn't a lot to critique here, actually. I just realized that after finishing it. I think I would have more to say if I could have really gotten into this, because fantasy is not my thing at all. I can't lie and say it is. Made up names, I can't pronounce anything that has to do with it, at all. It's just me. I really wish there was something else I could say and point out for you but the truth is I couldn't understand any of it enough to really grasp a good feel on it long enough to critique it all the way. I found myself rereading and rereading a lot. Don't take that to heart though because this is just not my kind of story and if it was, I'd have something(or other) else better to say. I think it's very well written and you've got next to no grammar mistakes, plus your use of imagery and description is beyond impeccable. You're quite the writer for 13 and you know that. You don't need me telling you it anyway, because it's obvious. I was nowhere near this literate at that age. You've got a huge imagination and I just can't seem to wrap my head around it at all because it's just beyond out there for me, but you should clap for yourself because you're that talented. You made up a world all your own and wrote about it.

It's a great story. I just really can't point out much else. :|

The first things to catch my eyes were the images. your avatars/banner matched the dreamy-like title. And your layout was just beautiful. So were your chapter titles. I loved them. My favorite was:The Fountain Of Sorrow. That's only the summary too.
O.O
Your writing is just...beautiful; the wording of the sentences, the way it's all written, your metaphors...like, seriously. I love the fresh feeling of a purely original piece of work. That's what this is. It's just so dreamy and mesmerizing. I love the way this ended too: Blood was splattered against the rug, seeping from Bartha's still body, a jaded dagger protruding from her chest. great cliffhanger.

The imagery in your writing completely sucks the reader in until they're apart of the story itself. I love that in stories. I've only just finished reading the first chapter and I'm already hooked. The plot is so original and unique, it's like nothing I've ever read before. Truthfully the main reason I started that comment swap/whore was so I could find something new to read, and this is exactly what I've been looking for. An original story with a plot different from anything else, with great characters and descriptions. Can I marry your story? Hahaha. SUBSCRIBING!

Duuudeee, I love this story, update again soon!

I did enjoy it! I can't wait to see her magic at work :D

You are an INCREDIBLE writer. I really enjoy this story. SO GOOD! I'm gettin really mixed messages from Cam though :S Update soon?

I'm glad I finally decided to read this. :D *subscribed*

This is awesome, as always.
But I agree that chapter 5 was a bit confusing, but since this story's not finished yet, I'm not sure if it's a good confusing or a bad one. Leo is... that boy who works for the Waldrom who went to fetch stuff from Bartha, right? From what I gathered from the 1st chapter, I didn't imagine Violet and Leo as friends, or that they even knew each others' names. So maybe that should be sort of mentioned in the 1st chapter when Leo was first mentioned in the story, if indeed that's really him, so as to avoid unneeded shock/confusion in the 5th chapter. But I guess it depends on the whole story and how this is all handled.
Keep up the good work! :)

interesting story..
i'm going to stick with it :)
update soon please
*subscribes*

This is honestly one of the best fantasy stories I have read on Mibba. The writing of it is just fantastic; not laden with exaggerated descriptions, and you're just a fantastic storyteller. I'm in complete awe of you and your writing prowess. The layout is absolutely gorgeous, and I just adore the setting of the story. It's like a dark, twisted sort of fairytale. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes at all, which I really do appreciate. Honestly? the story just reads like a published novel, and better, perhaps, than a lot of things on the shelves right now. I love the length of the chapters as well; it's always nice to sit down and read something long. This story is so gripping; it just pulls you in and doesn't let go until you run out of words. I'm subscribing, and I really would love to read more of this.

OMG. Me loved. I have so many questions. I was drawn in immediately. The first chapter told us so much. But it still left me wanted more.

Like, I wonder if Violet's family really left her. I was thinking the witch maybe kidnapped her and lied to her. Then at the end, when the witch was found dead, I screamed. Cause now I'll never know!

And the prince. He's a special little guy, isn't he? I can't wait until he makes an appearance. I'm hoping he'll come back to reclaim his land. No doubt it'll be dangerous, but still. .

And who killed Bartha? I must know these things!

I am subscribing to this. And I am so glad there is more. I am going to read it right now.

This is so awesome!
I commented this before but I didn't read the full thing.
Ah, please update soon.
Like, really. This is amazing.
You're a really good writer, I'm hooked. <3

I like how you named the group of sorcerers. It made them really come alive and drew me into the world you were weaving. It was a lovely personal touch.

I only found one small spelling mistake. In the fifth paragraph of the first chapter, “reek havoc” should be “wreak havoc”.

The ending of the first chapter was when I was completely hooked. The use of the cliffhanger was excellent and I knew that I had to finish it.

And as for your descriptions, they are all simply amazing. It is so easy to envisage the scene unfolding before the reader, as you paint it so beautifully.

With regards to your balance of dialogue and description, I think the variety that you have currently is fine. The first couple of chapters set the scene, so dialogue wasn’t really needed there. Then it was nice to see a little more in chapter 3.

I hope you update again soon!

One thing I can tell you truthfully, is that I don't regret claiming this Story in the Story Comment Swap thread, or whatever it's called! I've only read the first chapter so far, but I can honestly say that you have a great deal of talent. There is just so much detailed descriptions and a certain spark that is keeping me interested. I look forward to reading the rest!

Tania.

The description in this story blew me away completely. You are a very, very good writer, not to mention that your layout is beautiful too. Not too distracting or anything :) Just perfect.

I only read 1 chapter so far since other chores a calling for me, but I liked it. The world you created was very vivid and real, despite it being magical. I will subscribe for sure, and I'm looking forward to seeing where this story will go.

I love the entire opening paragraph that described wild. Beautiful and ingenious!

Clarity: 90
Believability: 81
Characterization: 98
Description: 98
Dialog: 95
Emotional Engagement: 93
Grammar/Spelling: 100
Imagery: 110!
Intellectual Engagement: 95
Pacing: 100
Plot: 70
Readability: 83

You're really talented. Overall, a really good idea. I'm not too into fantasy, but this really grabbed my attention!

Clarity: 99.9% (:
Believability: 50% - only because of the magic and stuff. <3
Characterization: 91%
Description: 98.9%
Dialog: 87%
Emotional Engagement: 79.1%
Grammar/Spelling: 100%- very well done. (:
Imagery: 110%- You've got insane talent.
Intellectual Engagement: 87%
Pacing: 80%
Plot: 110% - I love it. ^_^ Completely interesting and had me from the first line. Captivating. (:
Readability: 100% - I'm subscribing. (:

Oh, oh, oh.
This is so freaking good.

It takes so much creativity to create a whole other world for characters to interact in.
One thing I really enjoy is that this focuses on a girl as the protagonist without having some boy, or romance, as a back up.
I only got as far as the third chapter, so that might have changed later on, though.

(Also, you have mad story layout making skills. Just sayin'.)