Dangerous Betrayal - Comments

I absolutely love your story and really hope that Maxine really feelings start showing up (Like honest, nice feelings toward other people like…Rob) and it would be also cool to see the tables get turned on her and she gets knock up by Rob obviously =) hehe ....Other than that I can't wait to see what happens next!!

Love it!! please update, it's getting really good =D

awww you'r welcome! =D Well talking about this chap I didn't expect for Robert to turn his back on her... He said he loved her but I guess after all he heard he would do that and maybe he won't divorce... As for Maxine, she should just forget about everyone and go far away and start anew. It would be the best for her but I guess she would keep doing the bad things... So keep writing I really want to know what happens! hehehe =D

I like your story, but how can she be that heartless? When are her feelings going to catch up to her?

Wow... Chapter 10 was really strong... I didn't think the baby girl would die...

Love it, Update soon please!!! =D

OMG!!! Its getting good!! =D Please update

I hope she can change to the person she was before....

She's falling for him... =)

OMG please update!!!

What she's doing is so wrong! But I like the story! =) Update soon!

I really don't approve of cheating and don't really like to read story that involve cheating but damn this story is AMAZING definitely the exception to it,( it's a guilty pleasure xD)

P.S I love your story please update !!!

Hmmmm, I wish you could more in depth with the characters, especially Robert, I think that would help me understand him more. And, I am not complaining or anything could be more descriptive on things. Just things in general. (People, clothes, surroundings, thoughts, etc.)
Liked the update
<3LeiLei

She* not Ashe.

Truthfully, I don't get why people would unsubscribe this story or report it. For me, it's utterly amazing. You showed how angry she was with her mother and she is using her husband to get back at her. But the way you left it off, it feels like Ashe won't be using him as a pawn anymore. I love this! You have my subscriprion!

Hello Rosanna!
My name is Ember and I’m part of ProjectFiction’s staff. PF is a site that looks for, and recognizes, good fiction around the web. We link to stories (and take nominations from authors and readers out there), look for betas, put up writing guides, and a lot of other cool things. What do I do there? Well, I work in PF as a reviewer, basically going around picking stories to read and, obviously, review. Your story Dangerous Betrayal is one of them. Hopefully, the feedback I can give you will be of use to you.
Upon first discovering your story I almost mulled right over it based on the title alone. It struck me as either cliché or pretentious and I am never happy in reading something I’ve read many times in many ways. The summary, however, changed my mind and gave me pause to see what all fuss was about. What I found was a compelling plot with an adequate delivery but there are areas for improvement as with all works.
The time that has been invested in foreshadowing is very beneficial to the plot while only being marginally overdone. The reader does not need to be reminder every chapter of the impending doom. It’s understood in any scenario when a daughter pits herself against her mother that the end will be disastrous. Not only is it a sign of the impending apocalypse but it has been proven to be tragic throughout countless historical rebellions. I applaud the enthusiasm but taking it down a notch would help in making your characters thoughts less repetitive.
As a whole the plot is appeasing. If I were discussing this vaguely with a friend it even sounds worthwhile. Unfortunately the lack of depth causes epic scenes to fall flat. The emotions that Maxine experienced when dealing with the death of her father were described but not felt. To say she was distraught is not enough, the character must literally be distraught rather than keeping the same mentality throughout. This is the same when she first seduced Robert and when she thinks about her future sibling. A little more feeling will go a long way, as well as a quick look back through the fix the multiple grammatical errors. They are small but many.
The last thing I want to stress is the two dimensional character that is Robert. He’s having an affair with his wife’s daughter, the blood sister of his unborn child, and the girl he caught lying beneath her therapist. One would think that he would be a little more conflicted. Instead he just says no one minute and givens into his desires the next. There is so much more to be said, to be done, that would make him a more lovable or hate worthy character depending on the direction you’re going aiming toward. Just remember the humans are walking contradictions and characters become most real when they are too.
In summation I like to mention things that stuck out to me in a work. I love the impending drama associated with Maxine’s mother being pregnant. The fact the she is seducing a gay man speaks highly of her allure. Roberts lack of concern for his future child as he begins this affair speaks lowly of his character. And to finish I like to conclude with a quote. “Sometimes I think I didn’t think of the consequences of sleeping with a married man.” – Maxine. The contradiction of thinking that she didn’t think adds to the confusion circulating in her mind. It suits the scene.

-- Courtesy of Ember,
ProjectFiction’s Rad Reviewer.
www.projectfiction.org

PS. The website runs monthly contests to give authors a chance to challenge themselves by taking a prompt and making it their own. I invite you to join this month’s challenge “Take Me Back to the Ballgame” as I believe your style would do well. If you’re interested you can find the prompt and all the rules and directions associated with it here: www.projectfiction.org/challenge/currentchallenge.php.

I agree with Cacow. But I am willing to put up with the slightly awkward phrasing and everything. I would also be willing to proof read your work.

I wish you would devolp their relationship more in the next chapter.

Until next update:)

<3Leighanna

Hmm, it's good. A very good storyline with good emotion but the sentences are slightly awkward as they are missing conjunction words and commas and some other key structures. You also seem to add extra words here and there. It makes it quite difficult to read and I fear it means people will either report you or not persevere in reading your story. If you would like someone to proof read and beta your work, feel free to ask. Other than that, this is really good!

Like. I shall be waiting for the next chapter :)

ooh i like:)
update:D