Broken - Comments

I liked the short sentences at the beginning, it gave it a stop and start effect, as if we couldn't breathe properly or read right, which I think was the effect you were going for, to confuse us.

And then when you went on to outline what was happening and still used the short sentences, it gave us a sense of panic, as if the character herself didn't know what she was thinking or even doing, like her emotions were too much to express.

a winter wonderland, I liked this description, it was a dangerous wonderland, one that sparkled but shined danger into your eyes.

I think it could be improve, with certain descriptions and wording, but overall I liked it.

I loved the frantic, choppiness of this. It added a lovely feel of suspense :)
Even though it was frantic, you still managed to describe everything beautifully :)
This is probably one of the best oneshots I've ever read,

This was very well written. :) A lot of people have mentioned the "choppiness" of it, and I agree that it added so much to the tone of this story. It really helped to identify just how Macy thinks - shows us what is really going on inside her head. I really felt quite sorry for her, as well.

All in all, a wonderful piece of work. I enjoyed reading it.

this was really good. it gave it a nice in the moment kind of thing. it kept you reading until the very end. i loved the imagery you used and saying how the parents were intruding upon her wonderland. it was very well written and i loved the style. i also liked how she thought of noise. there were no different noises, just loud and soft.

i think your layout of this one was excellent.. it flowed nicely, kept me interested and thats hard to do.. keep it up.. very nice!

I want to start off by saying that I simply love the layout and I loved the summary. There was something so quirky yet totally normal about it. The summary literally had one sentence but I thought it was the only thing that was needed. It made me want to read the story even more and I was excited just by the title. I liked the one worded titles a whole lot. I think they're simple and they're easily explained in the story.

Usually the first thing I would tell an author not to use is choppy sentences. In this story choppy sentences was what it needed. The choppiness of the structure and sentences made the flow so much better. There was the sense of the character having an issue. I like when an author uses they the way you did. They was really great because I thought it opened up the field to they as being whoever you wanted they to be. I thought it kept a little bit of a mystery to the story and I thought that was truly important to the story.

This story kept me on the edge of my seat and I wanted to keep on reading so bad. I knew that this story was going somewhere truly special. The story was written in a really mature matter your lead Macy was perfectly presented to the reader. I thought that she had something really deep, a really deep disorder. It was at the point where repair was nearly impossible.

I thought that there was so many things coming at me, but that's what kept the story super important. I thought that having being so fasted pace that it made the story that much better. It just kept going and going and didn't stop. A one shot can't stop and yours didn't. I loved that. A lot of one shots tend to fall short from greatness because there isn't enough depth, but this story had great lengths of depth. I thought it was excellent.

Something else I really loved about it was how a lot of the issue was based around the screaming. You displayed a sound so well through your writing and that was just stellar. I thought that it worked so well with the context of everything. I thought that the screams added so much to the story.

I thought Macy being broken was displayed in such an amazing manner. You did that perfectly. She was alone yet so surrounded. I loved how they were trying to help her but that's not how she took it. She took it as something totally different. I loved how she didn't want to be taken. She was broken and I could sense it from the start of the story. She was broken to herself. The part when she took the glass and was taking matters into her own hands, was something I actually wasn't expecting. I didn't think that she was going to do that. I thought they were going to take her away honestly. I liked that little shock that was given to me.

I thought the ending was perfect, honestly I thought this story didn't need anything to be fixed. I loved loved loved it! It was amazing and stellar! This story is truly unforgettable.

Love. Love would be a perfect word to describe this. No. Flawless. Flawless is this.

I think you captured this just right, keeping the theme in the title, picture, and style. Fantastic job.

The way you went about keeping in present tense, going by her own chaotic thought process, which is where the choppiness plays in.

I think the use of bingo kind of interrupted the flow, maybe 'that's it' would fit better. I know that when I'm thinking of something to use, my though process goes, "THAT'S IT!" haha.

Again, I love this.

I thought the choppy style that you wrote this one-shot in was what actually made it apparent that the lead character, Macy, had some type of disorder and was, at least in my mind, insane. Very anxious and it seemed as though she had some severe anxiety problems.

It was short, but you still had a full plot line (which I feel most one-shots lack), that being that she was insane or needed to be put into a hospital of some short and she'd locked herself in her bedroom. Of course her parents called for help from firefights or police officers, possibly? That was the sirens she heard over the TV. But she refused to go - maybe out of fear or maybe just because she didn't feel like there was anything wrong with her. Maybe she didn't know what was honestly happening at all, but whatever the reason, you made it apparent to the readers that she didn't like the sirens and she didn't like the noise.

This particular line: Today they yelled. Yelled about me. What I had done wrong.
I had never done right. in the beginning was my favorite. How her parents were always talking about what she did wrong - which I translate to talking about her mental instability - and she's confused because she doesn't understand the difference. Like she has no idea what she would have done wrong.

The ending was very powerful. It was dark and tragic and completely powerful. How she broke the glass heart with the inscription from her grandma - perhaps that had been what led to her instability in the first place. And how she could hear her parents and the emergency service people getting closer and closer to breaking the door down.

I was broken.

Wow. I honestly don't know how to respond to the ending. I mean, it just really left everything off but closed it at the same time. It left it off because you never were specific with why she was broken or how she came to be that way. But you closed it off with her suddenly realizing that her tantrums and her barricading the door were acts of her denial, and you ended it with her realization that it was true.

Powerful stuff. If I had to give it a rating, I would give it a 5/5.
I hope that you place(d) in that contest - you certainly deserve to after writing such a dark piece.

I love how you did this. The choppiness works perfectly. They're like fractured thoughts swirling around in her mind. They just draw you in over and over again demanding you pay attention to what is happening. It's beautiful in a very dark and sad kind of way. I really liked how you did this.

This one-shot was amazing.

Holy shit man...
That was just amazing. At one point, I wanted to scream myself and break everything around me O.o
The layout was plain but beautiful <3
The choppyness just added to the effect. I could just imagine the girl throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming. Now I kinda wanna scream too..
But nonetheless it was just amazing. <33 (:

Alright first I got to say
I love your layout, tis very lovely dear.

When reading this
I loved how you put this into a choppy format
It reminded me of a poem and a story all in one
I never read anything like it, to tell you the truth
You captured a lot of emotion and other things by doing the choppy thing

Keep up the good work
<3

The style in which you write this really helped me get a feel for Macy's apparent insanity. Great description, nice layout, amazing character.

Overall, I'd say perfection comes pretty close to this piece.

Wow. This is really amazing. I loved the choppiness. It made it feel frantic and wild. It contributed a lot, I think. It captured pure emotion really, very well. =)

I LOVE this. It's amazing how you managed to capture the raw emotion I was entranced.
(Kind of weird, but moving on.)

As for critiquing, I couldn't find any errors that shot out at me.

Amazing, amazing, amazing.
I think this is one of the best I've ever read on here. :D

Don't really like the laout but whatever.

The story is amazing, however. Really good job, I loved every bit of it. The choppyness of it all worked well with it, rather then against it.

Well done. <3

Choppy is a good thing here, and I love how you emphasized it by using a lot of single-worded sentences. Brilliant job! <33

Dr.

Wow, I really liked this. :) I like the choppy stuff. Makes you think with each word. The only word I didn't like was when you said 'BINGO' because that kind of contradicted the feeling of the story, you know? Like it was cheerier or something when you said that. I wouldn't have used that word, but it's not a big deal.

Macy's life was horrible. :/ I like how you described it as she looked for something to drown out the noise. It wasn't "She had been grounded from music and computer"; it was her searching for the music and the computer and then realizing she wasn't allowed to listen to it because it had been taken away from her. Your description was also really nice. Like, how things looked. What she felt. You packed a lot of description into the story. :)

Overall, it was really, really enjoyable. <3

Wish there were a favorite button. Darn.
Awesome story!

this completely caught my attention.
the choppy-ness gave the story and amazing effect.
amazing.