Intertwined - Comments

Comment Swap! Everything was very grammatically correct and I couldn't find any mistakes. It was really detailed too, in describing the lake in their backyard and the green haired girl. But you kind of lost me when the girl showed up. Is she a mermaid or something? I guess it will be revealed in later chapters but right now I'm still trying to figure the entire thing out. I really liked the layout too! Simple but nice :)

I hope you update soon!

Comment Swap! :)
I like this introduction so far. It grammatically correct as far as I can see and the spelling is as well. I would however, like to see you go more in depth with the voices and colorful haired girls. I understand that she was used to them at this point but what about when it first happened? You don't stay that calm. I don't know, maybe I just want it in there for my own selfish reasons haha. I would like to see where this story could go though! Keep writing!

Comment Swap: I like how you put that God's had human emotions, I don't know why but that really stood out to me for some reason. I like this a lot ((: I shall REC it. By the way I like the way you write ^.^ This would be a really good book! Good luck with any further writings!

Comment Swap: I agree with the phantom, you have a great cast of characters that you've really brought to life. It's much easier to read a story when you feel as though you arent just absorbing words but meeting others, which is a strange kind of sensation; not many writers can do it. As for the story, i just didnt find myself being drawn in, but im a dude so thats probably why. A lot of female writers on this site lol .. but that doesnt make me appreciate the actual writing any less. Good work.

I miss this.

Title/Layout: So, firstly, that title! I just love it. And the layout is lovely, simple and fitting, and really pretty. I haven't read the story yet, so, I’ll get to it...

Story: A beautiful start to the story, and not giving anything away. I think you're one of those rare writers that can suck people into a story by the characters alone. Your characterisation is amazing. Cordelia's fear of the water, and Ivan's teasing lets us feel like we're beginning to get to know these characters. I thought the beginning of the prologue, part 2, was absolutely hilarious. Also, I like that you have a very well-informed main character as this means you do not have to spend a huge amount of time having things explained to her. The element of Greek mythology is very cleverly worked into the story and interesting. My only concern would be that readers may not understand a lot of things, and so they could be explained just that little bit further.

Overall: I'd like to say that I'm really interested to see where this will go and think that your strongest point is the characterisation of every single character that appears in the story. It seems you've put a lot of effort into the story and it pays off. It's fantastic. I think if there is one thing you need to work on is the page breaks with the asterisks. I think that there are moments when they're not needed at all such as the end of the second part of the prologue. I hope I've been at least slightly helpful and good luck with the rest of your story.

Here from comment swap.
Layout. I think this is one of the prettiest stories that I’ve seen on mibba. I really like the soft pinks and blues, and it matches the banner really nicely although it seems a little dissonant with the idea of the story about an unexpected resurrection of someone’s dead mother. But maybe the story will be happier than I’m expecting it to be.

In some places, the writing gets a little redundant. Like you mention Sal getting grilled cheese sandwiches several times in just a paragraph. Some rereading and some betaing would help to clean things up. The story has a lot of potential, but it just needs to be cleaned up. Your paragraphs need to be broken up a lot. Paragraphs are supposed to have one main controlling idea. For example look at this one.

"Cordelia, Sal's here!" My step-mom, Melissa, told me, peeking her head out the door. [p] I shot the lake a glare and turned around, walking into the cottage. The cottage that I came down to in the summer sometimes – when I wasn't in Greece with Sal, that is – was where I was raised. [p]The cottage was big; it could fit a lot of people. The backyard was huge too and we owned all of it, including the lake, but we shared the lake with our backyard neighbors, the Madison's. The cottage resembled a French summer home – like the ones you see in the movies but instead of it being all white, it was brown and looked like autumn stayed year-round. It had a warm, loving feel to it.

You have dialogue, background information, and setting description all clumped together. Try figuring out what you’re saying and what the focus is. When you change focus, make a new paragraph.

Comment Swap brought me here which made me very thankful. I LOVE this so far! It’s really interesting and really cute with Poseidon and Cora. I haven’t gotten past the first chapter yet, but I am planning to make it to the next book.

Really enjoyed it!

What a great chapter! I've been looking forward to an update so I'm totally excited. This is was a really nice follow up to the last chapter and I like that you left it off with her preparing to see her family again. I'm looking forward to seeing what they say. I like the humanization of the Gods, especially Poseidon. Great job.

Only thing:

"Because he didn't want you to live without your soul mate, I believe."

He nodded, accepting Zeus' reason, and stood up.

(I did get, after a second read, that she was speaking but at first it almost sounds like Zeus' popped up and was talking.)

We spent who knows how long with out lips locked before we decided to separate for some needed air.

(You wrote out instead of our.)

So...that's all, just those two small things. Otherwise this was great! Good job!

I like this story and I like the ideas put into this story, I think it has potential, I don't really like faulting people therefore I'm going to recommend this story. I love the layout and the image you have chosen, they've complimented your story well.

Speaking from experience, many young authors believe that every little detail of their writing process is of vital importance and that readers want to hear all of these details. They don't. Those notifications only please you. Congratulations, you made progress! Good for you. But just fyi...no one is going to read that...and if they do...they don't really care. I don't mean to be harsh, it's just the truth.

I liked intertwined better, honestly. I've always liked one worded titles.

I like the begining. A bit cliche, but cute.

"from his position by the lake" sounds a bit...odd...like a robot speaking. I would suggest changing it to "from across the lake, down by the water, etc."

It's kind of redudant to say "Come in THE WATER" it's obvious he means the water...so...you could just say "Come in" or "hop in" to have a more pleasant vibe.

"Went back" sounds a little odd as well. "put my nose back in, or returned to, or reimmersed myself..."

I undertand you're trying to make him sound teasing...but itsy bitsy water just sounds retarded....wittle makes sense though...but...it's a lake...it's huge...You could say 'Are you a wittle scared of a ity bit of water"

Keep the brother's dialogue in the same paragraph since it's the same person speaking.

"if not" should be changed to "If you don't come in right now" or something of the equviliant to ellaborate and have a dun dun dun you're in trouble moment. If not doesn't quite make sense on it's own.

You don't need to say "from my spot" you can take that out and just say "I shouted from my chair on the porch"

annoyed BY not annoyed of. or you could just say annoyed.

too many ands in this sentence. edit to. "He raised an eyebrow, shrugged, and ran inside the cottage"

correction I've not I'd.

"I shot the lake a glare." I don't know how old your character is...but that's childish and it's making me believe the character is 10-12 years old. If she's older, I suggest eliminating this line and maturing your character.

"The cottage that i came down to in the summer sometimes" this sentence reminds me of the recaps at the begining of episodes of long running series. We get it. We understand there's a cottage and she comes in the summer. You said all that before. You don't need to doubly explain. K?

You didn't use this semi colon correctly "he was a pig;he absolultely loved to eat." When using a semi colon the second sentence should be a fragment. Example: "She had lost sight of her own beliefs; the greatest self mutilation of all." ya feel me? :P

I like the little dinner scene. Very relatable, believable, and cute.

Again, her laughing at "come with us" states she's immature. 14-15 now maybe? IDK. You're sending mixed signals.

How old is lyla? If she's a child that's incredibly inappropriate for her to recognize that!!!

I'm getting the name's mixed up which means you're not characterizing well. Each character should be distinct and VERY different or at least make a point that they are diverse.

I know Lyla is the younger sister and Ivan is her twin. But I'm mixing up Sal and Kyle...soo...you need to ellaborate on their personalities a bit. Give one of them a quirky personality trait. A terrible smell. A mole. A winning smile. A nice laugh. Something that stands out.Some behavior they can do consistantly that represents their trademark.

our 20th....she's the same age as Sal? And she's 22. No 22 year old would scowl at a lake or laugh at a cum joke. Seriously. You need to either make her younger or mature your perception of her.

"grecian styled..I had gotten in greece" redundant.

I know some guys are jerks...but...most guys wouldn't hit a girl straight in the face....and it takes quite the reflexes to catch someone's fist before it hits someone else's face...it just seems a little fake to me. I suggest having him get in her face and scream at her maybe...not punch...and then have Sal come to her aid and then have them fight. It'd be much more believable.

mermaids. alright. this is where I stop reading. It's 3am and I liked what you had so far but I'm not into the whole sci fi thing...I just find it...laughable. It's not your fault, it's just not my genre. Sorrry. But so far what you ahd was good. :D Good job. I hope you like my review and I hope it helps you.

First off, I have to say that the layout for this story was so cute. It's so simple, but beautiful because of that. I love it, and how it has to do with the water, which Cordelia is terrified of.

Your grammar is pretty good, though Katie is right when she talks about page breaks. They're not always needed, and sometimes when you want to write about a time later on, you can simply summarize the small details in between before going into detail about what you want to write about.

I think you have a really neat concept for this story! I've seen a lot of mythology stories, but nothing like this. You had just the right amount of dialogue mixed with the perfect amount of description.

One thing I noticed is that you had page breaks in places that you didn't really need them. You can use sentence transitions without having a page break each time.

I absolutely adore that quote on the Prologue part1! I'm glad I noticed how you updated a story called "Intertwined" on my mibba page, or else I wouldn't have re-read this again! At first I was like, "intertwined...? what?" then I saw it and was like, "oh, oh!!" again, the sentence explaining the "intertwined" was beautiful!

Well, you know me, I love Greek Mythology and I loved this ever since you wrote it for that contest. (: now stop hurry and update! lol.

sincerely, your best friend♥

Wonderful second chapter, or first chapter since the last two were the prolouge. I really liked this though, what a twist! It was excellent. I liked the introduction of Hades and the details that you went into about everything. You're weaving a really compelling tale.

I have a few grammar tidbits but other then that this is perfect.

First:

"Will you answer my question, girl? You're wasting my time." I gulped.

Should be:

"Will you answer my question, girl? You're wasting my time."

I gulped.

-This:

However, there will be more time for you to discover everything about us after you've talked to Zeus." I sighed – could everyone read my mind now-a-days?

Should be:

However, there will be more time for you to discover everything about us after you've talked to Zeus."

I sighed – could everyone read my mind now-a-days?

-This:

"Is this a dream?" I asked him. He shook his head sadly. "Then what's going on?"

-Should be:

"Is this a dream?" I asked him.

He shook his head sadly.

"Then what's going on?"

-That's it...just those three. Anyway, like I said, loved this chapter and I cannot wait to read more!

Holy crap! What a twist! I've always been interested with Greek mythology and the Greek "gods". Yes I did just use quotation marks. I'm a Christian so I'm not totally sure what to think of the idea of Greek "gods" cause I don't really know how they fall into place there with my God, but I kind of like how you put it, as with them coexisting together in peace. I wasn't too fond of the Christian God killing Cora just so the balance of power wouldn't change, but other than that, I'm really enjoying your story. I look forward to your next chapter! :-p

That's so awkward when your mother could hear your thoughts xD
And omg, at first I was soubting about this story but oh my, this has turned to be way too interesting. I'm interested with what you'll come up with next.
Also I like the simplicity. Many tend to go crazy which can be difficult on the eyes, so I am very glad to see this.

I just wanted to comment to let you know that I've finally gotten the opportunity to read through this with all the changes. I really love the changes you made (I love her name too, so beautiful. I think it fits very nicely with the gods names as well). But I just wanted to tell you that I enjoyed this and that you are a total doll for mentioning me in your update. I hardly did anything. Haha.

Your layout is pretty. And I like your summary.

It was simple, really, yet I still couldn't grasp the concept. Our lives so different, so far apart, had somehow become intertwined in such a complex way, it left me breathless.

I simply adore the way you started the story with that one little paragraph. It sparks an interest in me to read the story. However, half way through I lose the interest because the chapter is too long and my eyes got tired.

However, I think your writing is good. It's easy to understand and your descriptions are good as well. I like the name Cordelia. It's unique but not overly-weird. And the short of her name, Cora is just sweet. ^_^

Keep writing.