October 24th, 2012 at 08:32pm
Hiya c: I came here from Comment Swap, and I must admit I'm not usually a fan of Twilight fan fiction, as quite a lot of it doesn't turn out too good. But yours was really good; I love Delia as a character, she's spunky and has a personality of her own. I really liked this bit:
She could hear her mother’s voice in her head. 24 arrests, 5 DUIs, 2 totaled cars, 1 stolen car, trespassing, truancy, etc etc. Delia rolled her eyes, sitting up in the car.
It made me laugh a lot; I love how Delia such a badass. And how she referred to Jacob as 'some shirtless guy', haha.
I think that the title is a bit too long - but that's just my personal opinion, they just seem to rub me the wrong way. Anyway. Your spelling and grammar is impeccable from what I have seen, and your descriptions are really good. My favourite part would have to be this:
Since when had he acquired a brain? He wondered.
I laughed so so much. Anywhoo, good job and good luck with the rest of the story!
Right off the bat, I'm sorry, but your layout hurts my eyes. A lot, actually. One thing I noticed is that your verb tense changes accidentally ('he says' when it should be 'he said'). It's a difficult thing to remember, but try to always keep verbs in past tense. A lot of the lists you write out are also difficult to follow and largely unnecessary. Also, some of your coding doesn't seem to work. I don't know what this is supposed to be: *&%$#@!
That said, I do like your characters--you definitely seem to know for certain how you want them to think and act. I love that.