My Life Unplanned - Comments

This made me cry. I'm sorry if my comment insults all Christians out there but this is the exact reason I am an atheist. Brilliant writing it really touched my heart and made me feel anger, sadness etc...

@ForeverSeventeen: Before I begin, I want you to know I understand what you are saying and I agree with you that what this mother did was not normal behavior for a woman in this situation. I would never do that to my own children and I would never wish anyone else to ever do that either. This is not behavior I condone, it is behavior I hope to erradicate by pointing out it is a possibility.

We all would like to believe every mother of an abused daughter can be sympathetic and open and loving. We all wish she would have the perfect words to say, the warmest arms to hold her, and the best embrace. But that doesn't always happen. A woman who has a child is not always a mother.

Having been inspired by writer's such as Picoult and Wiesel, I began a novel discussing a topic that is difficult for the average person to swallow and made it even worse by adding a reaction that was not expected. A mother rejecting her daughter for a sin she did not commit. My point was to teach the lesson that just because something bad just happened, doesn't mean the happy ending is right around the corner.

I wish everyone was perfect, but they aren't.

I haven't started reading the story yet, but I will be in a bit, I just had a small comment.

It makes no sense to me for starters how a mother can do such a thing to her own child. I have two baby girls and God forbid such a thing from ever happening to them, but I would never act in such a way. Also God is love, that is why we place our lives into his hands, that is why we ask the holy spirit to lead our paths. His love and mercy and holiness is what makes him our God. A lot of the time people forget this. People let the thought of being "holy" go to their heads. They forget that being human means being dirty and sinful, and that mother had no right to do what she did. As I have no right to judge her and neither does anyone except for the Lord up above.

Thank you so much. The updates will be coming a little slow, since I'm preoccupied with my other story FALLING IN LOVE WITH A SEX GOD. But I will try to write a new chapter for this once I finish with chapter 15 in that. :P Since you just started reading and all. I have a rule, whenever a new reader comments to me about an old story, I have to update.

I've just started reading this and it has brought tears to my eyes. I can't wait for the update keep them coming, Btw you are such a talented writer!!!

keep writing plzzzzzz

@Tammy-Rina I will finish this story! It may take me a while because I have a lot going on, but eventually it will be finished!

@Helpless Thank you so much!

@Kitty; teenspirit He wasn't black. I guess I didn't decribe it well enough. Cody was white, I just described him as being darker. (brown cinamon skin) The main rapist...M something (I can't remember what fake name I used for him) was asian. I don't remember ever writing about a black person, not that it matters. Race doesn't effect how good/bad of a person you are, so really I shouldn't have recorded their races at all, but I was trying to stay true to their appearance.

AMMMMAZZING!!!

Please update, I feel like if I don't know what happens in the end I will never be at peace. It's so heartbreaking to now that stuff like this really happens, and the way you describe the scenes allows me as a reader to feel what the character is feeling :'( I swear I almost cried at one point. Please update? :]♥

Oh my god.
This story brought tears to my eyes almost.
It's real. And it happens. Everyday, around the clock to multiple people. That's what makes it so bad.
I used to never understand why the Christian God hurt His followers, even his own son. I came to the conclusion that He had done it multiple times to show the world the madness with the hopes that we'd learn from the mistakes.
Thats just one of my theories on religeon, a topic which fascinates me but a topic in which I don't talk much about because the way people get enraged about it.
But it's true about people. A lot of them turns a deaf ear to the news reports, saying "That's terrible" about a war or a rape victim in the comfort of their own living room in their own little world. It's not real until it happens to them, and if they did act like every single event was Real in the sense of their own little world, then the world would be a better place.

I heard people talk about this...
but why does the ploy raspist have to be black?
Really!!

Once again, this story is really sad and your writing style is amazing.

responding to this comment: I really don't understand how there can be a small crowd around her - with people who aren't involved, and nothing's being done - no one is going to get help. It doesn't seem realistic at all. If it was only the group of men - then yes, but I would expect her fellow students to either run and walk away and try to forget about it, or at least try and get some help.

Okay, nah, I don't think the mood is right in this at all. I can hardly believe ten people around a girl getting raped...just standing there chilling out with their phones to record it. I wouldn't believe that at all - as I said above. It would be more likely for half those kids to do something about it. It's not that realistic at all. If it were only the five men, and a camera phone, then yes. But not a crowd of kids still in high school.

My Comment: Again, this is based off a true story and from the articles I read there were about 10-20 (no exact number) surrounding her. No one called the cops and it said the people were girls and boys. That is where I got my information, it doesn't make sense to me either.

keep updating plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz im loving it

Chapter One
My dress was made of a magnificent - you aren't allowed links within the content of the story. They're meant to go in the Author's Note. So, you may want to change that,

I love the color purple for many reasons. Purple is mysterious and majestic, powerful and passionate, the wondrous child of scarlet passion and cobalt depression - I really quite like this description here. :) It gives off quite a unique twist on the colour purple, and it makes it more personal. It's lovely. :)

“DANCE!” She - "Dance!" she

“ROSIE!” She - "Rosie!" she

Kami was a strange person. She called everyone human and talked about people like they were some science experiment. She always had a logical answer for everything and tended to speak in tongues most of her life, always rattling off about some new news story or discovery. She loved math and science and everything logical and exciting. She was practically a genius; A sexy, provocative, boy-crazy genius. - I really love this idea of her friend. You take on a typical high school stereotype (the nerd) but then you twist her into something so unlike a character in a high school fic. :) I think it's great that she's not someone who isn't shy or too crazy or cliche`. She's just like someone you'd expect to find in a story. :)

Gym to Michael, - gym only needs lowercase letters.

on and off boyfriend of three years. - on and off again boyfriend would make more sense and keep a consistent flow within the narration.

I wanted to come on my own, to prove I was an adult. I wanted to prove to my daddy I didn’t need a chaperone to watch me. - I like this as it kind of foreshadows the bad that's about to happen. :) Like she thinks she's an adult, but very adult things are going to happen to her, and in a way it's like a warning. This is good. :)

“Hey Rosie!” She - Rosie!" she

dance.” She - dance," she

Neither of us has had dates before, - Neither of us had ever had dates before would be better for the paragraph, otherwise you've got an awkward tense change in there that disrupts the flow and narration.

neither of us has ever danced with a boy before - same with this sentence too, had ever danced

Oh right, we can’t do that because it would cost too much money and that would only add to the deficit America has already slipped into. - this doesn't really suit the story, nor serve any purpose to the narration. It's just not right. At all.

name.” I mumbled - name," I - whenever you write something that aids the dialogue, you use a comma. If it has nothing to do with the dialogue, then you use a full stop.

together.” He informed - together," he

right?” He asked - right?" he asked

Sundays.” He said - Sundays," he

3 times a week.” - three

but he says it is important - but he said that it was important, remember the tense, because it gets awkward.

rubbing my arm. He may go to my church, but he doesn’t seem like a very good influence. I should have Father speak to him. - this has awkward tense too.

you.” I told him, - you," I - comma, not full stop.

punch.” He said - punch," he

grape.” Cody - grape," Cody

time.” He informed me, - time," he

boyfriend.” I lied - boyfriend," I lied

early.” I whispered - early," I

air.” Cody told - air," Cody told

front.” I - front," I

faster.” He told - faster," he

is.” I said - is," I

all…” He - all..." he

know…” He - lower case 'h.'

“CODY!” - Cody

this?” He - lower case 'h.'

Chapter Two
fun?” Another man - fun?" another

on?” A new - on?" a

ten o clocks - minor error, no 's.'

I really don't understand how there can be a small crowd around her - with people who aren't involved, and nothing's being done - no one is going to get help. It doesn't seem realistic at all. If it was only the group of men - then yes, but I would expect her fellow students to either run and walk away and try to forget about it, or at least try and get some help.

Okay, nah, I don't think the mood is right in this at all. I can hardly believe ten people around a girl getting raped...just standing there chilling out with their phones to record it. I wouldn't believe that at all - as I said above. It would be more likely for half those kids to do something about it. It's not that realistic at all. If it were only the five men, and a camera phone, then yes. But not a crowd of kids still in high school.

state into the - stare

me.” I - me, " I

“YOU WOULDN’T EVEN DANCE WITH ME, YOU TEASING LITTLE BITCH!” - improper capitalization is also against the rules on Mibba.

“YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SPECIAL, ROSIE TURKONOWI BUT YOUR NOT. YOUR JUST LIKE US, YOUR JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW HUH, ROSIE? WHERE IS HE? I DON’T SEE HIM. I AM YOUR GOD TONIGHT!” - again, improper capitalization. And all of the 'yours' in there are meant to be you're

I felt like I being cut in half - I was being - there's a missing word in the sentence.

“I AM…YOUR…GOD.” - incorrect capitalization

“No, Cody. You go to church…you should know better than this! Cody listen to me. God loves you…he can…” I paused and felt the pain rip through my stomach again. I shrieked. “Forgive you.” I finished. “Just stop…please…STOP I’M BEGGING YOU STOP STOP STOP!”I bellowed, finally unable to control myself and someone struck me again lower down on my stomach. - there is incorrect capitalization in this also. And I also don't find her speaking whilst she's being raped as something that would happen. She would be way too traumatized - she might have even blacked out from fear. It just doesn't seem like something likely.

How did these five men turn into seven when the rest of the crowd was high school kids? Again with the crowd - that's not at all realistic.

what they have done to me? - had, keep with the tense.

If there was a big crowd, then that would attract attention...so why were there no adults coming near at all? The dance was almost over, her father was on his way to pick her up...I think you got the timing a little wrong, because being gang raped by seven people isn't like an in-out situation over in a minute.

“I WON’T HURT YOU!” - incorrect capitalization

There wouldn't be a helicopter. That only occurs when people are out in rural areas, or places within a long driving distance of a hospital. Just the fact that there's a school...there would be a hospital within the city -or close by, and she's not dying....

While the Author's Note says that this is based on true events, it doesn't quite work well within a story. Because we don't know these people like the actual girl probably did, and we don't know who these men were....there's no real basis to believe it happening in a story at all. There's no real character development - you don't really show if these men are brutal, if they've got weapons, if they've threatened people or what - they're just there and a crowd forms. You don't give it any development to make it seem like it could happen.

Chapter Three
unclean metal into my arm and was now injecting me with some strange liquid. They are feeding me drugs, without my compliance, heck it could be a poison for all I know. - the tense in here is all wrong. You've reverted to present tense when everything else is past tense.

would cling to its mother. - who, not it.

you?” He - you?", he

Forbs.” He - Forbs," he

Rosalind?” He - lowercase h

leaking fake concern. - doctors don't have false concern...if they were so detached from that kind of emotion, they wouldn't be practising doctors.

Rosie.” I - comma, no full stop

than fake his sorrow towards me. - not at all plausible.

Rosie?” He - lowercase h

“Rosie!” She yelled, - lowercase s

you.” She - lowercase s

Chapter Four
as if rewarded him - as if she rewarded him....?

correct?” She - lowercase s

Rosalind?” She - lowercase s

“Are you an animal now Rosalind, perhaps a household bitch?” She questioned - good Christian women do not swear like that. I've been around Christian + Catholic woman for most of my life, and I've never heard anyone speak like that to anyone else. And this also seems a little confusing, because that big scene at the hospital seemed like Rosalind wasn't welcome in their house any more, so I don't quite get that hostility.

mother.” I - comma

inside” She - full stop and lowercase s

pain burned through my, blood faintly - me?

shirt btu I - but

the stares - stairs

healed…” My - lowercase m

sick.” My - lowercase m

Rosalind?” She - lowercase s

I'm gonna split these comments all up, so I'll possibly do the rest over the next few days. But I have a funny feeling all the comments will sound the same, contain the same repeated errors, and possibly question things written in the story.

I couldn't read all the posted chapters ,because it just sickened me how stupid and evil people could be but you've written it well. You're a wonderful author and I can see why you are writing this.

Punctuation*
Sorry, one of the worst words you can misspell x

Thank you for getting your story in before the deadline, it's appriciated.

I thought the background and layout were good, they were easy to read and not too messy. The picture was a good touch and the font was simple.

Most of your puncutation was good, but some sentences were a bit hard to understand, such as this sentence "Manuel shoved me abruptly pushed me toward him." I think you might have meant to have an 'and' inbetween the words 'abruptly' and 'pushed.' Other than that, the story was easy to read.

I found this entry one of the hardest to read because of the underlining reality. I did struggle but I think you did well at getting across the story. I read up to chapter 6 for your entry and you did describe well. I do think you tell the story simply though, which can be seen as good or bad.

Thanks again for entering my contest and you did really well. Well done x

This is so heartbreaking.....
Ive just started reading...This is so sad

Update plz