Introvert's Mind - Comments

Good work!

i loooooooove this so much, it's great

The summary completely drew me into the story, it made me want to start reading it immedietly. Also the background is really simple yet it fits so well. This is a really interesting story, i love the characters individuality, i'm glued to it, great job

I read it :) Good. I liked it. Even though the whole type of girl he is falling for isn't what i kinda wanted. But..........
the summary was ace.

Really it was cool. I liked it.
You have some spelling errors like for example you spelt Clary. Carly. And some more.

I was kind of put off by that but whatever.

You also don't really have the hang of wording things.
For example you were talking about Datoktah and her blonde hair and her back.
Fix that it sounded like you were saying she has a hairy back.

And alto other ones need fixing.

I hope it's not fucking over.
Im subbing.

“Just try it on, I can make even you look good.”

I'm sorry, "It's Just try it on,I can even make you look good." ^.^ Sorry, had to fix that! Its the 5th chapter ^.^

The summary really drew me in for some reason ^.^ I think its because I love how you were so mysterious about Tomas's summer. I was thinking about how surprising his summer was gonna be ^.^

I also love how simple but beautiful the layout is! I love this story and it has a lot of potential! I'm soryr if my correction thing pissed you off ^.^

Hah. Thomas is high xD

I really like this last chapter. I love how awkward he is at first. And I love his relationship with his sister. They act like actual siblings.

Im excited to see whats in store next for him and Dakotah ;D

I like the layout and the summary a lot. The statistics are really cool information to include (and could've helped me with my math homework a week ago... I needed to know the number of seconds in a year.)

Chapter five:
I like how Clary and Thomas are arguing, it reminds me a lot of how siblings argue (I have a brother myself so I can definitely relate.)
Oh, so Thomas is acutally looking for Dakotah? (I'm sorry, I read the first few chapters a long time ago so I can't remember all that much of what happens.)
The way you painted the scene of walking down the street was really vivid. I'm a real stickler for details in a story so that was nice to read.
I love how Dakotah could immediately just tell he was high ;) I'm not a partyer (Granted I'm only thirteen) so I don't know how I'd react in a situation like that but I laughed out loud at that.
Ooh, I wonder where they're going now...

Your comment for me does not need to be ANYWHERE near this long but yeah, you've got a great story here and keep it up. :D

Cliffhangs, hmm? I SEE HOW IT IS.

But really though. I like how Thomas isn't your typical douchebag of a guy who still ends up getting the girl. And the summary- wow. I completely loved it. And I feel like I'll really like Dakotah. She seems.. attractive. [; I think their relationship is going to get closer during the summer (like the cliffhanger in the first chapter suggests; yep, I figured it all out) and Thomas won't be shy anymore. :D Or I don't know. ahah. But I really like it so far!

I love this story.
I read it before, and geez, woman, you need to update soon ;D
I am so anxious as to what will happen next for Dakotah and Thomas.
Because I think I am getting a girl character crush on Dakotah xD
But seriously, this is such a great story. Keep up the good work :D

First off, I’m very sorry it took me so long to comment. I got caught up doing some stuff. : )

I will also be reading as I write this.

Summary/Layout:

The layout is very eye appealing. It’s simple, yet very pretty.
Your summary was very awesome too. The facts about how many people and how many seconds is just cool. It also makes me wonder what the story is about.

Chapter 1:

Okay I have to say that the first line pretty much hooked me right away. That’s something that I really like about stories.
I’ve noticed that you are very descriptive, and it’s not overbearing. So it’s good.
I can honestly say I relate to Thomas about the end of school. And I’m really starting to wonder about this Dakotah Samuels girl. I want to know more.

Chapter 2:

I really like the fact that this chapter tells more about Thomas’ home life in a way. And the fact that he loves his sister and has a good relationship with her is good. Once again your detail on this is incredible.

Chapter 3:

That chick at the booth really does sound annoying to me haha. : )
So I really liked this chapter. The fair is always interesting to me. 10 dollars for 3 darts is a bit ridiculous though, but that’s just my opinion. I’m really really itching to know more about Dakotah. Seriously, she sounds like a cool chick.
I saw no mistakes at all. Your writing is flawless.

Chapter 4:

Poor Thomas, being so dumbfounded like that. Haha, but it’s cool that he finally lightened up a bit.
And the fact that his friend took so long in the bathroom makes me wonder what the heck he was doing in there for so long. Once again, you leave me wanting more of this.

So basically I fell in love with your story. I want to know more.
I’m going to subscribe, just because it’s that awesome!
Excellent work. <3

I want a stoner banana
Oh and from chapter 2 to 3 his sister's name went from Clary to Carly
I like the sentence that goes he'd remember it til he was 101

I liked this story. I also like the character Thomas, I can kinda relate.
Dakota seems nice, even if I haven't read much about her.
Hope you do talk about her on the next chapter. :D

I thought this was quite interesting, and I like the characters. I do feel, though, that the story wasn't worded the best. I mean that the grammar was kind of awkward, and it felt weird.

I like your main character Thomas, and the girl Dakota. They both seem like very different, interesting people. Though it is a summer romance type story, you made it unique, and the characters especially.

I'm very interested to see what happens at the party. (:
Subbing.

First of all, I loved the layout. It is simple, but nice, and the colors just work really well with each other. Im one of those people who care a lot about the layout, and ypurs really drew me in.

The summary was kind of mysterious and vague, and I liked that because it gets you wondering about what type of story you are going to,be reading.

I really liked the first chapter. Everything about the last day of school seemed so real. How people act like they will miss people they dont even like, and the whole feel of excitement that most people experience. I love when you first introduce Dakotah, because she seems like someone I would know.

In the second chapter, I really like how you get into describing his family and the diner and everything. Even though it seemed like a filler, it got you wanting to know more about Thomas.

I really like the next two chapters. I love how easily she talks to him, and how he is so shocked by the fact that she is talking to him. I just love the way you describe everything that is going on.

Overall, I liked it and im curious to see where it will go.

So, like so many people have said before me, the summary is absolutely beautiful. It really ties someone into the story, the layout goes with it nicely, I think, even if the background is a bit too much for my liking.

Starting with the first paragraph? It really bothered me, the first few sentences as said here: "The rush of students towards the doors, that looked awfully fragile, was terrifying. Flashes of colors flied in the hallway, glimpses of revealed skin with gleams of sweat mingled with them. Crumpled pieces of paper and used pencils littered the ground while some lockers were still wide open in the hallways of the high school."

I think I noticed some errors in it, like "the rush of students toward the doors, that looked awfully fragile, was terrifying". I mean, it sounds really awkward for me to say "students towards" or maybe I am just stupid? And "flashes of colors" bothers me, as well, it would seem better if it said "flashes of color flew in the hallway". It just sounds better, but maybe yours is grammatically correct, I don't know! Maybe something to just look at, though, in my opinion.

And what, what, that would bother me. A friend just using me for a ride home? Better pay some gas money or I'm leaving your butt on the curb. But in any case, other than my road rage and hatred for people like that -- I realized you like to do a lot of telling.

Maybe some showing would do some good in this story, I mean, it'd help with indirect characterization and maybe even put more emphasis on -why- certain people are like that. Well, or so I've noticed in stories.

Thomas is an interesting character in a bad situation, and the story has a lot of potential. Though the whole "let's telling everything but no showing" could really drag a story down, you know? In any case, good luck and happy writings! Keep up with the story. <3

I also like the way you spelled Dakotah. :D

You never fail with those end lines do you? Thomas seems like your average teenaged boy and I like that. Nothing "badly cliched". I'm confused as to what role Dakotah plays whether it's really big or not. I am going to await for more.

The only mistake I found was two paragraphs put together when they need to be double spaced separately.

I am waiting for Thomas and Dakotah. Do they go on the Zipper or does he decide to ditch?

Layout
The layout is actually quite pretty. Not too extravagent, and yet, not plain enough to be considered boring. Good balance and kudos to its' maker.

Banner
I take it that this is a sort of sneak peek into Thomas rather than Dakotah? Clever use and manipulation of the picture.

Content
Story betas are heaven sent. There are a few discrepancies, but I get the story that you're telling and that's the whole point, isn't it?

It was summer, but he still didn't know how memorable this summer would be.
^Clever use of a cliffhanger there my friend.

I enjoy how your second chapter cast Thomas in this new more-than-two-dimensional-character light. It is almost as if I can see Thomas trudging up the stairs, and the apologetic look on his mother's face when she comes into his room later. This is a good way of gaining the reader's sympathy; without really turning Thomas into this pathetic, whining little boy. Good job on that.

And I do enjoy reading about Luke. Don't we all have a Luke of sorts in our lives?

-sigh

No, there weren't that many mistakes in your third chapter and I must say that the paragraph lengths are doing wonders for my attention span. It's always a good idea to keep chapters and paragraphs not too long to lose people's attention.

This certainly is an interesting read. It's cool that you've made your protagonist a boy, an introverted boy at that, and how 'adored' and yet 'feared' Dakotah seems to be by the multitudes.

Good work, definitely.

c:

The layout is simple but pretty. I really like the background because it adds a little color to the whole thing. I usually see a darker color, such as black or gray going along with a black and white picture. I also really like the summery because the large numbers in the first two lines connect with the rest of the summery. Basically, I love how everything connects in the summery.

Chapter One
I really, really like the first paragraph because, being in high school myself, I can see it happening in my mind because I have experienced what is happening. Well, mostly like it. The excitement was apparent within the paragraph because of the word choice that was used and what was described. Going with this thought, I love how the actions and emotions of the students were just perfect for it being the last day of school. Once again, I can, and a number of high school students, can relate since it has happened to them.

The thing that I love most about this chapter was the paragraph about Dakotah Samuels. The words that were used to describe her really made me want to know more about her just like other people wanted to know her. But one line really stuck out the most to me. She wasn’t the most beautiful, or the skinniest girl in the world, but she just had that air about her that made everyone want to know her. The reason I like this line so much is what she isn't. To me, the things that she isn't are important to who she is because even though she isn't the prettiest person, people want to know her. I don't know if I explained it well, because that line really caught my attention.

Chapter Two
Clary was probably out with her friend's to celebrate the end of their eight grade
I am sure that eight to suppose to be eighth.

I totally thought that Kelsey's was a persons house and not a fast food restaurant. But I like how Thomas's dislike for fast food restaurants comes from a personal experience. And, when mentioning his reasons for not liking fast food places, it didn't go into too much detail since, although important to Thomas, it doesn't seem as important to the story as other facts.

His mother seems like such a calm person. Well, I say this because it was stated and because how she acts when her drunk husband is home. She doesn't yell at him like he yells at her and she is cool and collected when she talks about the subject with Thomas.

Chapter Three
I was just wondering if his sisters name is Clary or Carly since both are used within the story. The name Clary is used in chapter two and Carly is used in chapter three. Another thing I saw was that the girl at the dart booth said that 3 darts were ten dollars but Luke gave her a five dollar bill.

The ending made me chuckle because Dakotah had spoken to him. The fact that it was the first time she had said anything to him, and that it would never be forgotten, made me realize that she is a really incredible person to talk to and to know. Deep down, I have a feeling that Thomas wants to be someone that really knows her and he happy that she spoke to him.

Anyway, overall I really like this story because of the characters and how real everything is. That might sound a little cliche but it's true. Your writing style packs in a bunch of detail about the characters, their feelings and thoughts, and the environment around them. Good job and good luck with this story!

You're like really, really good with descriptions. I adore your writing style and the way you unfold the plot. Luke seems like an amazing friend and Thomas seems like he's easily annoyed with everything.

I don't know what to say about this story other than it's amazing, it really is.

The rush of students towards the doors, that looked awfully fragile, was terrifying. Flashes of colors flied in the hallway, glimpses of revealed skin with gleams of sweat mingled with them. Crumpled pieces of paper and used pencils littered the ground while some lockers were still wide open in the hallways of the high school. The halls were all empty now, every kid having practically thrown themselves out of the chairs they were almost jumping on and having ran outside. They didn’t even care to actually go home, all they wanted to do was to get out of the place they had been forced to go to for 10 months, say sappy goodbyes to people that they didn't like that much, and go do whatever the hell they wanted.

I love this paragraph. It really describes the typical high school experience to me in a way that people don’t usually see it, particularly the last sentence. But in the second sentence, it should be ‘flashes of color flew’, to be grammatically correct.

Thomas reminds me of me. He seems solitary, yet easily adaptable. I can see him talking to himself a lot. He’s pretty well developed so far, and I think I like him as a character.

I’m also very curious about this Dakotah character. She doesn’t seem like the typical popular girl, and I get the feeling that she may have some things to hide. I also get the feeling that Thomas wants to spend his summer with her.

I love the way you write. It’s full of description, and there were very few grammatical errors. I like this. I think I’ll read the rest! Good job :)