Twisted and Broken Things - Comments

Perhaps it's just because my head hurts and the light is hard on my eyes right now (as so many times)
but the layout made it a little hard to read. It's alright, though, it was kinda eerie in its own way and intense. Mysterious. I liked it, especially the banner. That's definitely an intense banner.

The summary works about well. It describes the situation perfectly, at least. I just think, that perhaps it needs a little push. Or maybe that's me. I find odd things to say, forgive me please. It was fine either way, not that I entirely know what I mean by "push."

The prologue was beautiful. <3 I was half hoping and half begging for some in between the lines love scene, because then that'd mean the love scene would happen somewhere in the future of this story, and I am a bit embarrassed to say, I do love the sweet baby making. lmfao. It was incredibly sweet, though. Just so sweet. So romantic. I love romance. <3

As I kept reading, I found that you have a very interesting story here. It's not like most vampire stories on here, it's unique, and interesting. It's intriguing, with a bit of mystery and intensity, because we already know Brendon has a future love interest and that that love interest shall be the girl, but the girl is for his boss, so this creates a big conflict. It's pretty good. c:

Great job. :D <3

-Luna

The Cook
So I’m pretty sure I love Ryan. And this isn’t based on any sort of bias that I may have already had. The way he was talking to the “help” and then Travis… hilarious. I love how amused he was when speaking to the maid and how funny he and Travis are together. I love new characters in the first place, and Travis was very well introduced. I may like him even more than Ryan 0.o As for Brendon, he’s such a spoilsport! But I’m sure no one can help but enjoy his presence anyway.

The layout is simple but it's really pretty, it has that level of contrast between lightness and darkness.

I just wanted to say, your descriptions in the first paragraph took my breath away. Your descriptions were extremely detailed, without it being too much or too over the top, and I just love how you slowly weaved them into the story rather than just stating it. I love your choice of words as well, your language is very elegant and sophisticated, which adds a lovely flow to your sentences. The way how you ended the first chapter left a buttload of questions in my mind, I love how you started this with a caring love scene where they fondle and caress each other tenderly, into something short and sharp and bitter sounding.

I really like the descriptions again in the second chapter and how easily they build up the setting, I immediately envisioned overhanging clouds and gloom and beeping horns and loads of cars and stuff. I like how you incorporated the character's personalities into their dialogue, from the first sentence that comes out of Brendon's mouth, you immediately can tell he's one sarcastic dude, haha and it's really obvious that William is the sort of assumed boss, which I like, you make it obvious to the reader, instead of explaining it to them.

I really like this story so far, the descriptions are really vivid and your characters are quite well built up, well done! Kudos, I couldn't spot any grammatical errors either. :)

I was overjoyed when I found out that you updated , because as I noted previously I think that this piece of writing is just brilliant . your take on the dandie fiction is new and fresh . I absolutely love it :) you are very talented

love the update :D

I'm sorry this took so long! I've been caught up in everything and hadn't had an opportunity to read.

To be honest, I didn't even clue in that it was a fanfic until I read a few of the comments while scrolling down the page to write a comment. Maybe that's because I'm not familiar with the band members names (until now) or I was just too tired when I read this.

Anyway, on to the story! I was very impressed by your portrayal of the characters. The little things that happened throughout and the way you described certain things really introduced their personalities well.

For the majority of the story, the words flowed really well and I didn't once have to stop and wonder if I'd read something correctly. I think there may have been one stop where you seemed to repeat something, but I can't remember where.

Your descriptions were beautiful, and for the first time in a while, I actually enjoyed reading a vampire story!

When I read Brendon Urie was in this I was like, Yes!! Brendon's character is so amusing. I couldn't help but put on a smile when reading those bits.

I loved the prologue of this. It was very interesting and mysterious. Running into a meeting which was splendid for me to know where this was heading, making me more excited. Brendon resisted the urge to groan. He knew it; he was going to be playing babysitter to some silly human creature. Hehe I love that bit. xD I love Brendon's character to much!! "I'm an assassin."

I love, love, love Brendon and Haydon's bit in the 2nd chapter. I love your layout, its really nice. I really like the banner. I enjoyed this very much and will continue reading. Update soon. :)

The Girl:
So Hayden is the girl. Oh dear, I doubt she's going to be happy on the morning. Give them hell indeed Hayden. I like that its is set in Paris, an interesting place and that there is a lot mentioned about Hayden's backstory.

The Assent:
Ugh, Brendon is a jerk. Then again he is a vampire and works for a pompous, higher-ranked vampire so I guess it makes sense. You use of detail is wonderful and the vampires portray the pompous, i'm-better-than-you personality very well.

Good job, as all in all, this has proved to be quite an interesting read.

Thank you for updating.

And thank you for making Brendon so vicious. He just seems hotter that way :)

Everything about this story is... wow! I don't usually like fan fics but I really love this one. It blew me away. Your choice of words, descriptions everything. And the plot is pretty good too. The layout also really adds to the story. It's all so dark. It fits perfectly. Keep writing! <3

you really should update more often because this story .. what can I say .. it is beyond amazing .

love the update :D

I really liked the layout. The background pattern and the banner go really well together.

My favorite line was The seat to William's right had long since been reserved for Brendon. It was a sign of just how close to their undisputed leader he was, and no one dared to take it due to the amount of respect that they held for Brendon.

The words really flowed and it was really well written. I can't wait to read more. :)

Story Review Thread

I adore the picture you used in the layout. It’s so reflective and the black and white gives it this calm exterior but then the keyboard is symbolic of expression and gives it a deeper level. And then the mirror, which totally fits with the vampire-theme you have. And not being able to see his face creates an ominous atmosphere. I love the thought you’ve put into the picture you used.

A really, really great summary. The first paragraph gave me just enough to information to know what kind of story I’m getting into and to flesh out the background, as well as introducing main characters without being boring. The last line already introduced me to Brendon’s voice and revealed a little about his character.

Confession: Brendon Urie is one of my favourite characters to read in fan-fic, so I was super happy to take this review and see what you did.

Prologue
Lovely atmosphere. Quiet and dark and it seemed like so much went on even though little was actually said or done.

The tension in the air was brinking on tangible. He could feel it enveloping the pair of them
I really liked this line/s. It showed both conflict and that element of romance and lust without being too fancy or longwinded.

However, at the beginning, I found there were too many descriptive words. It’s possibly just a preference thing but it felt like you were repeating yourself and it wasn’t necessary and made it seem rambly. Simple writing can be just as good or better.

Great story-telling elements though. You created a hook at the end and definate mystery.

Chapter 2
Immediately I was impressed by how you illustrated the scene and character. Brendon’s character came across a lot in his distaste for the rain (impatient, self-important and a little bit selfish – it’s important that you draw out the elements of characters that will affect the plot and I can see how these would), and mentioning his chauffuer and how it’s set in France. I really felt like I was being pulled into the story at a reasonable pace.

"Oh, how nice. The weather is absolute shit, This made me smile so hard. Brendon!

Your characterisations of everyone, Brendon, William (I love how sweet and frivulous he comes across, with all that menace underneath. A great villian if that’s what he turns out to be), the rest of Panic – how they follow Brendon around - are wonderful, consistant and most importantly, enjoyable. I really enjoyed reading Brendon’s reaction to Gabe taking his seat and William being all high and mighty and getting away with it because he’s the ‘boss’, and Brendon being so eager to please him.

I’m sorry I don’t have time to review the last chapter but I really did enjoy the first two! I said I was excited to see your Brendon and he was so much fun to read. He has such a distinct personality in this story.

The story itself seems a bit predictable. I assume Brendon will find a girl for William and fall in love with her himself, and then William will want her too (something like that). But I could be completely wrong and even if that is the plot there are so many ways to get original and twist things up. Like the ‘house’ idea. It makes the vampire world in your story seem far more complex than you could have made and also adds the competition you've introduced between the actual vampires (Brendon and Gabe for example) which will no doubt become a big issue between Brendon and William himself.

Kudos. And good luck with the rest of the story. I genuinely enjoyed what I read.

I love it!
It's extremely well-written and a great original idea :)
I could actually see this being a book that I would pick up from a shelf and read.
I will definitely keep reading.

love the update :D

Hmmm...usually I don't read real celebrity fanfics but this one is worthy of my attention. lmao. So thanks for commenting on my journal and/or story. This is well written and you have amazing talent. Perhaps you could change my mind about real band/celebrity fanfics. <3 Commented and now subbing.

I've decided that I love this. So, naturally, I am subscribing. I may not know who Brendon Urie is (Despite the fact that 80% of Mibba's stories are about him or something like that), but I will imagine in his place a wonderful, sexy, dark and incredibly drool worthy vampire. Gah.

The picture is soo pretty. And the story itself is just like the picture. The words you chose that float around in this story sink in to the reader and becomes enchanting.

This story is really, really good. The layout is pretty, and your choice of words/descriptions are amazing. Overall, i am now a faithful reader of this story :)