January 27th, 2014 at 06:59am
Here from comment swap.
The layout was kind of hard to read and that kind of turned me off to this story, and I could only make it through the first few chapters. You need to work on being more descriptive; sometimes dialogue and telling the actions of the characters isn't enough. Keep up the good work, though! I'm sorry for my criticism.
I would like to agree with lady of the sunshine, the story is cute, but it's all dialogue. Be descriptive, that would be the best use of POV swaps. It seems a little rushed. I can't see the layout because I'm on the mobile layout. I'm not sure if you are serious about writing or just passing the time, but I hope my critique doesn't stop you from writing.