June 10th, 2011 at 04:00pm
Seeing as I haven't watched Criminal minds, I'll be reading this as if it were an original fiction.
First of all, I really like the layout, with the banner of both Reid and Derek. It's kind of a cute picture, even though they're both just chilling out like nothing was going on.
Now, onto the story, just to start the deaths of the kids just made me quite sad and worried for my own well being. This is why you never trust scetchy old men in Santa outfits :P I liked how you described everything, and I could imagine just what was going on and what they looked like, everything. Very well done.
Also, I like the friendship/relationship between Derek and Reid; they seem like interesting characters to learn about.
This seems really good so far!! I wish you and Acid Milk good luck with writing:)
It's a good title, and I'm eager to see how it connects to the story in future chapters.
Summary
I like that you used a quote in the summary, because Criminal Minds itself always puts a quote at the beginning or end. It's sort of a personal preference, but I usually continue reading stories if the summary hooks me, and I didn't feel like there was a hook there.
Layout
I like the simplistic layout, and after reading, I gathered it's a story about Morgan and Reid, which makes the layout perfecto.
Chapter Uno
I always thought it'd be really tricky to write a story centering around a popular television show, because people know it and what to expect of it. But you do it really well! I like that it follows the same general structure of Criminal Minds, starting with the murder.
I also really enjoyed the way that you wrote the children in the first part. Some people are completely inept at it, but you're fantastic. The way that Danny is annoyed with Darcy when he realizes it was her that scared him and the way Darcy just lets the man in because he looks like Santa Claus are real things that children do. The whole section reads so easily that you can picture everything in your mind.
The way that you stay in Derrick's point of view is also something that I really enjoyed. I think it would be way too difficult to write what goes on in Spencer Reid's head properly, and Morgan has a much more understandable outlook. I also like how Spencer seems really awkward with Morgan like all the time. It's like you really understand the way they'd act in certain situations really well.
There are a few parts that sound awkward that reading outloud could catch. For example, "He couldn’t shake the eerie feeling that lingered in the home, though, pulling the blanket over his face as if it would protect him from anything that might be out there." If you took the end clause and put it at the beginning, it would be smoother.
“Another thing,” Garcia added, “Was that at both crime scenes, a survivor remained.”. Another awkward one. Was could probably be replaced with is, which would help.
Overall
This is a fantastic start. It's got all the basic elements of Criminal Minds, but it's still so interesting and different that I want to read more. You've got a really great writing style, and I think that this is going to be a really interesting read (: