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Comment Swap brought me here. I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your attention to detail. Stories are always better if you can actually picture them. With your story, it was relatively easy to picture. I liked how you can feel the emotions of the character and really get into the story. I could clearly see the party as I was reading. Your author's voice is very clear. Something you might want to think about is the one line dialogues throughout the story. Adding more detail about how the character is portraying themselves as they are talking will really help your story. I can't exactly pinpoint how Carolina is feeling and I'm not sure if that's your point or not. Her parents seem very aloof. You would think the mother would be somewhat caring, maternal instinct is a very powerful emotion. You should add more of a backstory about the parents. What caused them to be the way they are? Was it passed from their parents? Thank you for the opportunity to read your story. I think you should keep going with it. It's so easy to give up if you don't have many commentators or readers, but don't lose faith!

This is so good so far!! Keep it up. I really like how the first chapter was kind of a cliffhanger--it really made you want to read more. And i liked the length of the chapters. I cant tell you how many times Ive read stories on here and the chapters are so short!! Anyways, love this. Keep up the good work.

Comment Swap brought me here.

Well so far it seems pretty interesting, I'm not going to lie I only read the first chapter because the length of the second kind of intimidated me but I will come back to read it piece by piece because I am interested to know what happened, was someone killed? Obviously something major happened and I assume someone was hurt, but probably not killed since she's not totally freaking out or in distress or anything unless that's what the High pitched voice was all about.

The layout is simple, but it works, gives a good feel to the story do you can get into the mood.

Comment swap!

I think that I like the concept behind this story, as far as I understand it, and the voices of the teenagers are pretty realistic. It has very good setup, and I like the fact that you made the agent competent.

Your grammar could stand some improvement. You tend to structure dialogue in a way that makes it seem like lines are being attributed to the character that didn't say them because of things like:
"O-R-D. And are you and Ms. Ford very close?" I shrugged
"We both play on the varsity soccer team at my school." He nodded.
Those corresponding actions should not have been after the dialogue, because it makes it seem like he's the one that says he knows Ms. Ford from soccer, and she seems like she's the one asking if he and Lilly are very close.

Also... UPDATE!

Also... UPDATE!

Also... UPDATE!

Also... UPDATE!

Omigosh. :3 I think Noah is really cute. :D Are they gonna fall in love? Don't know much about Sam yet, but maybe them? I'm really curious to see how this story plays out... :3

Also, if you want, I could totally proofread your work... if you want... I really love what you do, and I'm very good with spelling and grammar... I was raised by grammar Nazis. :)

Okay. Here with comment swap. But I'm REALLY into this story. Do you still need someone to make you a layout? I could totally do that, if you still need someone to! I really enjoy making layouts. :)

My only constructive criticism on this story is the grammar, but other people have already said that, so I needn't.

I SERIOUSLY LOVE THIS STORY.

I love the way it draws you in. :3 The way it's mysterious, but you keep getting new little details, so you always stay interested. Like, the details you get just make you more intrigued. In the beginning I was confused with the way the point of view shifted, but that just made it better as I read more... Haha. <3 I LOVE it. :3 Subscribing right now! Carolina seems awesome! :D :D :D

OKay. Here with comment swap. But I'm REALLY into this story. Do you still need someone to make you a layout? I could totally do that, if you still need someone to! I really enjoy making layouts. :)

My only constructive criticism on this story is the grammar, but other people have already said that, so I needn't.

I SERIOUSLY LOVE THIS STORY.

I love the way it draws you in. :3 The way it's mysterious, but you keep getting new little details, so you always stay interested. Like, the details you get just make you more intrigued. In the beginning I was confused with the way the point of view shifted, but that just made it better as I read more... Haha. <3 I LOVE it. :3 Subscribing right now! Carolina seems awesome! :D :D :d

I found your piece quite entertaining. I enjoyed the set up at the beginning and how the events unfolded. I'm interested to learn more about what happened and see how the character relationships unfold. Agent Cooper sounds like he will be a very intriguing character. :)

There were some grammatical errors, some were just misspellings that are easily overlooked, i noticed a few word choice errors.. some of the more noticeable:

There was some gender confusion when referencing the kitten, you used him and her interchangeably.

Another is your use of the hyphen (-) most(if not all) should be replaced by a comma or just become a new sentence.

Overall I really enjoyed reading your story and hope you continue writing :)

COMMENT SWAP: Hi! I'm so glad Mibba's CW led me to your story. Your characters are brought to life in my head so well, and I really can't say that to a lot of people. I'm also a sucker for first person point of view. You write very simplistically, it's great. I would like to draw your attention to a few grammatical errors, but we all struggle with that (especially me!). Really great, and I like that the layout is easy to look at .

COMMENT SWAP: Hi! I'm so glad Mibba's CW led me to your story. Your characters are brought to life in my head so well, and I really can't say that to a lot of people. I'm also a sucker for first person point of view. You write very simplistically, it's great. I would like to draw your attention to a few grammatical errors, but we all struggle with that (especially me!). Really great, and I like that the layout is easy to look at .

This was sooo good! I genuinely enjoyed spending time in your heroine's head! Your writing is beautiful and easy to follow, and WORLDS better than most of the stuff I read online :) I love the way you're starting out and I'm intrigued by the style! I could only get to the first coupla chapters for now, but I'll definitely be reading on :)

This story sucked me in quickly! You’re revealing just enough about the plot with each chapter to leave the reader wanting more! I love it! Carolina’s thoughts and comments are thoroughly entertaining. I particularly liked this line: I quickly came to the resolution that not many people had seen the inside of the interrogation room here. I would have to cross that one off my bucket list. There are a few grammar mistakes you might want to keep an eye on and maybe try to stay on top of your description. Description is good, but too much can overwhelm a reader. The summary could do a better job of selling your story, but once you start reading the first chapter you get pulled in. Your description of the interrogations sounds spot on and the dialogue flows smoothly. Maybe try to edit the layout of the story because though people should look at the content of the story, a pretty layout always helps attract more readers. Can I just say that I heart Sam? Overall I like this! The flow, the characters, the plot! I look forward to the unraveling of the rest of the story and what you have in store for it! x

This is absolutely insane to say the least. I'm absolutely in love with this story. It's original and well thought out. The characters are lovely. Every word has me begging for more.This story is just so exciting, I can't get enough of it. This is just so interesting.

Hey. First off I really liked the first chapter, it definitely got me hooked and was really well written. The next two chapters were also really good, but sometimes it can drag a tiny little bit, so make sure you don't over describe things unless it's important or effective, for example do we need to know about the locker rooms being north or south? Also there are a few little grammar things, such as "turned away from Lilly to look at I" - proof reading or even getting someone else to look over your chapters should sort this out.
Anyway, those are only really minor criticisms - over all what I've read of it so far is really good :)

Okay.... People suck, boys can be bitches, and i love this chapter :) i love her attitude :) update soon, yeah?