Fighting for Freedom - Comments

Wow, this is really good! I especially like the introduction, how it starts off as just a simple story. Love it!

I loved the update (:
The little girl makes me laugh, but I think it's interesting that such a young girl could think that way. I think it's a good thing for her to think that way, and want Lydia to be independent but also not completely understanding that women didn't really have a say and such behavior was frowned upon.

I think that the song fits the chapter perfectly(: Very lovely.
Update soon?

This story is awesome!
It's just amazing. I like the way how you wrote this story because it made me picture everything in my head.

I love that you beginned the story with a story within a story. You're writing style is absolutely flawless, and honestly, medieval times/princesses/etc didn't particularly interest me before. But..that isn't the case here. I found your writing amazing and the imagery that you used was placed carefully and well. These times--medieval-interest me because of the way women were treated, and I like that that was placed in the story.

For example: My Father made small talk with the princes while I silently and obediently stood beside him. Women were to be seen and not heard.

I love the layout as well, and both chapters were really good. I'm happy to say I cannot wait for more (:

Subscribed :)

The summary was a nice touch for me and made me interested in the story. The layout was very pretty and fit well, I thought with the story's content. I liked how this is a story within a story, the beginning, I felt could have had a little more detail through into it. The little girl seemed liked a snob and a little annoying, but she's 7, so that's explainable. The Princess kind of reminded me of Juliet in the old Romeo & Juliet movie way back when. She's has to decide which suitor wins her heart and I'll like to see more of that and the process she puts them through. I'm not picky, and I've read some comments about people complaining about using the right type of dialect, that didn't bother me at all, but it is important to get time periods correctly, especially when you're writing about them. Other than that, I like where this is going, I might have to read the second chapter now. Good job.

I love fairytales, and this story is just amazing. The intro was totally amazing and I love just the feel of the story.

You have a wonderful story going here, I honestly can't wait to read more!

I'll be honest - I'm not one to like anything princess-ey or fairytale like. But this isn't too bad. It's quite original, that bit you have at the beginning of chapter one - the one with the kid not wanting to hear a fairytale. Haha. I can totally relate.

You have a nice layout, and a good story going on here. And you're a good writer.

Kudos :)

So the summary was really good and very interesting. The entire time I read it, I was wondering what or who she may want. I'm totally going for the stable boy or a page boy, something like that. It's a great plot entirely.

So, I've read up to where the story about Lydia begins and I think that what I've read so far could have been enough for your prologue. It was cute and a great beginning. I just feel like it could have been a prologue and then Lydia's actual story could have started as the first chapter. That's just me though.

I like the overall pace of the first chapter. I'm assuming that the court jester is the man she wants. Why else would he have been mentioned? The idea that she gets to choose who she marries is pretty unique, they're usually set up with whoever's around. I like that she's not.

The second chapter is pretty cute. I like that there's a smug prince and then a sort of nerdy prince. Landon seems a bit modern for this story. Like it doesn't fit with all of the other names. Dawson is a very cute name and seems like a cute court jester. I like how you've kept with the times, women were indeed supposed to be quiet and beautiful. I like that a lot. (:

The layout is simple and really cute.

The summary caught my attention. I like when people take quotes from their stories and put it in their summary sometimes. I gives you a heads up on what's to come.

I LOVE how its a story within a story! I've never read one of those on here. Very original. You got my attention immediately.

The way she doesn't find herself what everyone else thinks suprises me. The lion metaphor was very well put. :)

I like your names for the different countries. Lydia's level-headedness makes her easier to bare than some snobby princess. I like Dawson. He seems like a nice guy. Sir William seems like a douche. haha! The song was good too! :D

This overall is a very lovely story. I'm subscribing because I can't wait to see what happens!

I like the simple layout. The color scheme is nice and looks lovely with the photo of the tiara.

You seem to shift back and forth between past and present tense in the summary. You go from 'she was' to 'she has' and it should be one or the other. Frankly, I think past tense would work much better than present. Also, because they are official titles, 'Prince' and 'Princess' should be capitalized. Also, if she refers to her father as 'dad' that should be capitalized as well since it would be considered a title.

high time for me to chose a husband. should be 'choose'.

Today all the potential husbands would be lining up at my doo now, this is just preference and normal terms in situations such as monarchies and what not. Instead of husbands it should be referred to as 'suitors' that's just something that is normal for a story such as this. One with royalty normal has 'suitors' which means the same thing as 'potential husbands'.

Also, since she calls her dad 'father' then that should be capitalized, also the '-Lydia' is unnecessary. Clearly, this is either a diary entry or just an inner monologue. No need to sign off on who it is since we know already.

The repetition of the word 'babysitting' in the first sentence is very disrupting, and could merely be replaced with 'watching' or other words similar to it. I feel like the words the 'seven year old little girl speaks are a bit mature for her age. Maybe you can…young it down? Make it sounds ilke it's coming from a girl of her age rather than a twelve year old?

You're throwing too much information about this girl at us at once, and it's not in a clean way at all. It's just 'OH NO THIS AND THIS AND THIS HAS HAPPENED OT ME SO I MUST HAVE THIS JOB'. If that makes sense. You can give us the fact that her mother has been laid off at a later date. Simply stating that she wanted to please the little girl and be rehired would be enough,

I love the fact that this is a story within a story. Pieces like that are always eye catchers.

Clearly some of these paragraphs were used for the summary, and I've stated already my opinions on that. Like I said previously, titles such as 'king', etc should be capitalized.

People refer to her simply as 'Princess'? That seems highly unlikely to me. If it's a maid she would not call her 'Princess' it'd be more along the lines of milady, or some formality with her name mixed in.

I feel like you're missing the correct tone to your fairytale bit. Clearly it's in a different era than we are in now and they would've spoken in different ways. One wouldn't say things such as 'okay' that's much too improper. I feel like you should research how one would speak in such a day and age and mimic that.

For example, closet would be referred to as a wardrobe.

That's actually not true about men loving thin girls. Back in a day such as that they preferred curvier women. Why do you think all of the paintings made in the eighteen hundred had such robust women?

Also, I find it odd that being a princess and having loads of riches and whatnot she has to wear a dress she received a year ago. If I were someone gazing upon this I Would naturally assume their wealth was diminishing since she'd 'worn the same dress twice'.

told me that I would be allowed time to get to know each suitor and then chose one choose.

Overall the piece is interesting. I like that it's an era piece rather than a modern day princes,s, but than again I've never read one like that before so that would've been interesting as well. Like I said above there are certainly some things to be fixed, but it shouldn't be too hard to do so. :]

Thank you for giving me something to read, I found this really good :)
I like how at the beginning, you started it off as another but very different fairy tale. I could just picture Lydia's dress xD Did you write the song too? I was just wondering out of curiosity.

I read it, and i liked it alot! I hope to see more updates and i will most definately read them :)

I remember reading the first chapter and commenting some time ago and now that I have read the second chapter, I'm actually now liking the story. I read the second chapter and I have to say that I think you have a wonderful idea and I am now subscribing. You have a good word flow and sentence structure. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors, but I saw in a few places you did use contractions. It may be only my opinion, but in "royal" or "princess" stories, they usually don't use contractions so rather than you're it would be "you are." It just makes everything sound more sophisticated. Uh, I rather much like this Prince Landon and Dawson. The only other thing I think you could do to improve this story is describe some of the characters looks more in detail. Other than that, this was fantastic! Can't wait until the next update! :D

Thank you again for commenting on my essay.
And as promised, I read your story and I absolutely adore it! I wish I lived in the era of corsets and suitors. I love how it is a story within a story; I thought that was very clever and unlike anything I've seen before. I am definitely subscribing and cannot wait for the next update!!

First off, I must say that the layout is beautiful. And the summary says a lot but it gives a good ide aof what the story is about and that's good. :)

Chapter 1
Awww, that little girl speaks the truth! Not that fairy tales are bad but they do give off a bad idea of women. For some reason, she reminds me of this little girl on youtube that had spoken up about toy companies forcing girls (in advertisements) to buy girly or pink toys while boys get to buy cars, action figures, etc. Sorry about the little ramblings. ^.^;

I like the way you start off of the tale of Lydia's story. It starts off strong and with a good description too. I liked how Lydia was feeling a bit insecure about her looks and giving us a glimpse into her realistic view of the world.

I know this might seem a bit short for a comment on the first chapter but this is a really good story. It's a strong, powerful start and it has captured my attention. I love Lydia's strong willed personality and it makes me wonder if she is going to stick with the tradition that her father chooses her husband for her or if she'll break free and marry for love. Call me a romanticist but I think--no, I hope that she marries for love. I will be back with a comment for the next chapter a bit later. ^.^ Thanks for the great read! <3

You updated!

My apologies for taking so long to comment.

Anyways! I really like Jenny as a character. Though there wasn't too much about her, the things she said made her an in depth character and I loved that about her. I really liked the whole 'wimp' thing too. Reminds me of myself.

I liked how you introduced the fairy tale too. You kind of gave it an origin then slowly slid into the actual fairy tale.

My only complaint was that the beginning of the actual fairy tale went a bit fast. Like it went from point a to point be without any actual details. Which brings me to another thing; I do wish you would have described a bit more. To me when it comes to fairy tales I need more description, otherwise my mind wonders off.

All in all, I did enjoy it and I expect this will be a great story.

I really like the summary, it drew me in instantly and it made me wonder what would come of Lydia and the man that she has eyes for and I just really like the layout, it's wonderfully simple and not at all fussy and it doesn't distract the reader away from the story :3 There are a few grammatical errors but nothing that a good proof-read and a beta couldn't fix :) Just from two chapters, I'm already getting a clear idea of what Lydia is like. She seems very demure and pretty much a daddy's girl but I'm pretty sure deep down, she longs to rebel x] You have a good concept going on, great job and keep it up :)

This is me being nitpicky, but when it's a piece of dialog you always type out "okay" and don't just put "ok". Like how in dialog you write "one hundred" instead of "100". :)

Because the girl’s in fairytales are wimps.
- You don't need the ' after girl, because that makes it a possessive word. :)

“Once upon a time there was a princess named…” Hm, ok, I need a name for the princess in my story. “Lydia who lived in a castle in a very far, far away place…”
- This paragraph is a bit choppy, especially without the kursive to indicate that she's thinking.

In the first paragraph it feels a little redundant to repeat 'castle' in both castle halls and castle walls.

Today was my twentieth birthday, and as my father had already decided, high time for me to chose a husband.
- The comma should come after 'and'.

...then turned around and grabbed the two bedposts again.
- I would understand her holding onto one, or a headboard or footboard (if that's what it's called?), but when I read bedposts, I'm thinking what's at each corner of the bed. Am I right? Well, for her to be able to hold onto two, in a what I'm assuming is a big bed since she's a princess, I'm wondering how long her arms are? I mean, I could be mistaken and just be dumb here, but that's just what I read and saw in my head.

The concept of the story itself is great. It really is. And yeah, this could definitely turn into something great. I feel that she's a bit generic, like, she's a bit like many other princesses in films and such that I've read/seen so far, but that may change, I don't know. I think you should remember that they talked in a different way back then, and though I get that it's difficult, I think the most important and easiest touch is just to write "I am" or "I will" instead of "I'm" and "I'll". I know you wrote "I'll" once, so it's not like you did it everywhere. I'm just pointing it out, because I think that'd be a very nice touch.

So, yeah. :)

I have yet to read a story of that time era here on mibba, I'm glad yours was the first.
It's EXTREMELY well written! The little introduction was very classy, I loved it.
I'm leaning at Dawson being her love interest, but I'm not sure. I hope you put in descriptions of the characters, like you did Lydia. So far, I love this story! I hope you update soon!
I'm definitly subscribing (: