All In Your Mind - Comments

This one definitely has my attention! I hope you update this one,

@ GoodbyeLoki;
Mam and da is what Irish people call their parents, they same way Americans call them mom and dad. It says Fawkes was raised in Ireland so that's what he'd call his parents. :D

this is an incredible story and your writing is amazing.

Chapter One: This really isn't my type of story, let me just say that first. I'm impressed by the writing itself, though, rather than the plot. You say just enough and your word flow and choice are great. I also love the name Fawkes. But, like someone else said, I found it a bit odd that he calls his parents "mam" and "da" but that's not really my place to say.

Chapter Two: I liked this chapter better. In fact, I find that I actually really like Sam. She sort of reminds me of myself, in a way. She's... well, perfect to me. I did like the little sarcatic bit with Fawkes.

I can't read any more right now, but I'm subscribing so I can definitely read more later(:

Hello, this is for comment swap. Sorry it has taken me such a long time to read your piece, but I will assure you that I have read all your chapters so far so I will critic you on all of them

Chapter One.

You made a slight mistake in this paragraph of Fawkes talking to his psychologist. I assume that instead of da you meant dad.

"Well, me and mam had an argument over pizza toppings, and da shouted at us, but that's it,"

As I read on, I figured that this is what Fawkes calls his parents, mam and da. Personally? I do not like it, but that is far from my concern.

"They can help diagnose if there's anything else wrong with you while monitoring..." for some reason, this sentence seems awkward. I think if you wrote "They can help diagnose you if there is something else missing.." or "They can help diagnose you if they find another problem.."

The first chapter was written very well. It is unique in a way and your detailing is beautiful. I love the way you show Fawkes as this person who starts off with problems, it makes him more realistic even if he is being sent to Sunnyroad Institute.

Chapter Two

"I screwed my eyes up tighter" this sentence was hard to read. I suggest that you go back and try to re-word it somehow, maybe?

I already have a liking to Sam very much. It is much different from Fawkes and it is interesting to read different people's part of view. I think as you describe Sam getting dressed, you should put a bit more depth into it?

"I just pulled on the leggings and grey guys t-shirt" you should revise that sentence into something like "I had just pulled on a pair of leggings and a baggy grey shirt that was suitable for a guy" or something

I adore the little meeting with Sam and Fawkes, it really shows two different worlds colliding. One of sarcasm and the other with a highly unlikable attitude problem.

The cliffhanger at the end was amazing as well. I think the majoity of your chapters lengthes are well placed, but you may need to go and proofread for their are very small mistakes that can easily be fixed. I am going to stop criticing because i highly doubt you would want to read more.

Toodles, and good job/good luck!

I love the layout and banner: it is simple, yet gives off a creepy, dark theme!

As soon as I read the introduction I knew I was going to adore this. Non-cliche stories based around asylums have always inevitably drawn me in: and this one seems the best of all. 'Sunnyroad' is the perfect name for such a place: it seems so happy and 'sunny', yet what lays inside isn't as joyful as the exterior mimicks with the name. Genius.

The first chapter suceeded in intriguing me - my favourite sentence had to be the first:

"So. How often do you have these thoughts, Fawkes?"

It just links so much with those typical therapists that lounge on black couches! It made me squeal with the authenticity of such a phrase.

Also, the small details you add to each description really help develop and build up the characters, such as the therapist repeatedly saying 'Fawkes', Fawkes's nervous twitching, and Natalie digging her fingers into her palm because of the pain it induced.

Your writing style is just plain wonderful.

Furthermore, the way you portrayed the self-harm really made me cringe, but in a good way. Her vision being 'tinted with red' added a nice touch. The mother's actions sickened me, and made me hate her so much: you're shunning your daughter because she's depressed? WTF?
All of this negative emotion is a good thing, by the way. It means that the writing is actually making me feel something :D

Overrall, this is an amazing story, and you should carry on. I am subscribing! Good Luck!

Dea x

I love how in the third chapter it had that flashback scene. Haha, third chapter is definetly my favorite!

I like how it's almost as if your staying in nonfiction, but also going a little to regular fiction.

The layout is great! The banner is my favorite part about it, and it acutally fits the rest of the background and the story.

This is so good! I love reading stories about mental institutions!

Just re-read all of this again and I love, love, love it. Like love it like I haven't loved a story on Mibba for a long time and I do not know why this doesn't have a million subscribers and a billion comments.

I like Adam. I really do. I know he's the worst of all, but the way that he loves Natalie reminds me of Finnick and Annie from The Hunger Games, for some reason, only a really twisted version. I would love to see more of them and selfishly, I want her to love him back!

I loved the part where Fawkes was thinking about, when he thought about how skinny he and Samantha had been in the dream, his weight and hers seemed much better to him. Details like that make the story a million times more realistic.

I love this. I'm subscribing. I cannot wait for more!

I love your layout, it really adds and represents the maddening environment of your story. The suspense, gah the suspense you create is almost unbearable, with half ended words it just makes you want to skip to next chapter faster than you can blink. I think thats a brilliant aspect of this story because I myself struggle to built suspence and intensity. You have quiet a lovely way with word, very provocative, in a good way. It's brilliant this, well done

I just loved the latest chapter. I want to know why Fawkes is with her and not someone else. I want to know where they are. I want to know what's happening. I want to know what Fawkes was saying to her. Everything about that chapter left me wanting more. It was excellent. I can't wait for your next update!

First of all, I admire the picture in your layout. It fits perfectly along with the story. I'm also jealous of whoever took that picture.

On with the story. This is the one of the best stories I've read in a while. The way you describe everything so perfectly sent chills up my spine.

Anyway, you just gained another subscriber. Keep it up; you're a brilliant writer.

You literally sent chills up my spine with this new chapter. I like reading about Samantha, and I kid you not when i say I could feel her fear. The way you described the room, with the darkness pouring in and the shadows being stirred around, that was excellent imagery. Excellent. You have quite the way with words. I was so anxious to hear what the boy was going to say was happening, so great job with the suspense.

Over all, this is really great. Don't be iffy about it!

I read the first chapter, because I've already commented on the layout! I love the first chapter. First of all, dig the name for this guy. Seriously, so cool. I can picture him, just because of his name. I love the way he talks and just says it -- just says rightout what he's thinking, even if it's going to damn him in the end.

Your writing style is very enjoyable and very easy to read. I plan to read more of it soon!

I absolutely ADORE this! I love your style, the layout, the characters, and the plot so far. This is really, really good. One thing I particularly like is how you made it so clear Fawkes was Irish without making it that clear, just by saying 'mam' and 'da'. I haven't seen an author do that before without making the character offensively stereotypical. This is great. I love it. I can't wait for the next update!

This is fantastic. I love the layout, it really fits with the chaos of your story. This idea seems unique and interesting. You have a great writing style and I usually don't enjoy stories with various characters (things get too complicated and messy and I lose track of their story lines) but this story feels different. I can't wait for the next update. I love the whole 'sunny' touch; it makes me think of Sunnydale in Buffy which was about as sunny as a basement of an abandoned mental hospital...
So, done ranting now. Serious love it! (:

I like this idea! I've heard of Pica before when I was co-writing with a ton of people on Alu's old disorder story. Weird disorder, it is. Seriously. I think it's cool that you've got this story going for like, a boy, instead of a girl. It just goes to show that any gender can have a bad disorder.

I like Fawke's attitude, haha. With his therapist, Rhonda, I mean. I expected the kid to go nuts when she suggested sending him off but he didn't. He's an interesting character, though I don't know much about him, I still think that.

I love the whole idea of this being a horror story too. I might just come back when I have some time and read the rest.

I loved it, seriously. And it felt very realistic. <3

Ooh, I like this chapter, too. I laughed when she asked Fawkes if his name was like fox. Also, I'm incredibly curious about Adam. I read about his character in the characters tab and I really want him to come in to play. Awkwardly, I feel like I'll be able to relate to him since we have the same disorder, so I'm really excited to see him. :') This chapter was great. I like Sam, but Fawkes is still my favorite for now. Waaa. This story is awesome.

Absolutely brilliant. This is so unique and I'm positive I'll enjoy reading this. Update soon.
-Marie

wow, this sounds interesting. I love the banner to, it definitely fits. I want to see what happens to him now! Post more please.