Written In The Sand - Comments

Coming from comment swap!

First impression, the layout is very easy on the eyes so I like that a lot. It's clean and cute and simple.

I like the summary too. The dialog is believable and it's nice to see a guy character revealing his feelings and being emotional. At least the other character let Jack down kinda easily.

OOOOOOOOOOOO yes, long chapters. I like the looks of that a lot. It's really neat that you started off with the same first paragraph, but then went into more, new detail. A+ for that one.

The transition you made from describing her feelings to a memory from when they met was smooth and provided nice imagery.

Child Jack's reaction to her proposing to be his princess was super cute and really unexpected for me. I would assume most little boys would respond by saying that's gross so that was refreshing :)

Oh Laura. Expected bbbbbbbbbbb--tch character. Little kids are cruel but hey, I would be mad too if I never got to be the princess.

The progression of their relationship over the years was extremely realistic. I like how you made it seem like time just gradually passed by, with little changes being added.

And shit got real real quick. Was not expecting that bit of tragedy either. Poor Jack. Olivia handled the situation quickly and well. The image of her kissing her hand was adorable too.

This was a nice, calming read. <3 I might end up continuing to read more chapters later on.

OMG ;'( I'm totally heart broken and kind of hate you right now....(Chapter 10).....How could you do this to me .......you made me fall in love with Sean and then she goes back to jack.....ughhhhhhhh....The sex scene was done beautifully, it wasn't raunchy, there was humor, there was passion, there was playfulness, it actually threw me back to the angst and excitement of my first time. Please come back!!!!! I need to know what the heck happens!! Im attached

Here from Comment Swap!

When I'm given stories that are more than 5 chapters long, I usually only read the first 2 chapters before leaving my comment. That's what I meant to do with this story, mostly because I wasn't sure how I felt about the summary (I'm sorry, just being honest...). So I read the first chapter. Then I read the second. Before I knew it, I'd finished all ten chapters and found myself wanting the next. I have a soft spot for high school stories and all the drama and cliche's that come along with them, and this story certainly didn't disappoint. I enjoyed every chapter, and I am definitely subscribing. I hope you can update soon :)

come back girl.
i love this story
:)

There are some definite grammatical and spelling issues that require a little work BUT on the basis of Chapter 1, I can tell you i've already recommended and subscribed. I love their relationship; you've portrayed it so well. You wrote conversation well. This is a fantastic start to what I feel is going to develop into an awesome story. Very emotive and I look forward to following up on this story.

Hello there. :) I was brought here from comment swap and I'm glad I did. Well, let's get started, shall we? XD The summary didn't pull me in, not at all. Sorry for saying it. I'm just honest. And I didn't really like the first chapter but I kept reading thinking maybe it would get better and I was right. The next chapters were amazing. I liked the descriptions and how the dialogue flows nicely. Olivia's character is well brought up too. It felt like actually reading a good written novel. Keep up the great work and share your imagination with your fans. :) That's all. XD

I'm confused as to why it says I still need to comment as I have done already. I'm just gonna copy and paste my prevous post in hopes that it goes. Apologies for the spaming.

Hello there! I've been brought here via comment swap. The first thing I want to say is that you are wonderfully discriptive and you've given the reader an extremelly good insight into your characters. The thing I found that puts me off in this is the chapter and paragraph lengths. I found it really hard to keep interested because I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere . I think thats just me because other people here dissagree. I love your vocabulary! It works really well with Olivia's character.

So sum it up, I think you're doing a damn fine job here! However, I really cant keep my attention so I cant keep reading. Keep it up, it seems like you have a fair amount of readers here.

Hello there! I've been brought here via comment swap. The first thing I want to say is that you are wonderfully discriptive and you've given the reader an extremelly good insight into your characters. The thing I found that puts me off in this is the chapter and paragraph lengths. I found it really hard to keep interested because I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere . I think thats just me because other people here dissagree. I love your vocabulary! It works really well with Olivia's character.

So sum it up, I think you're doing a damn fine job here! However, I really cant keep my attention so I cant keep reading. Keep it up, it seems like you have a fair amount of readers here.

I read your (very long) opening chapter. It was adorable and very descriptive. It gives a great background to the relationship of the two characters and an excellent founding for development. The cute, simple childish language used when they are younger and the continual ritual of castle-building i thought was endearing and a powerful symbol between Jack and Olivia.

This is really enjoyable. Very descriptive, and after the first chapter I already have a vision of Jack and Olivia in my head.
I finished the first two chapters, and if I didn't have to go I'd read more. Definitely something I'll keep up with.

Hi, I really enjoyed reading this. The characters were lovely and i enjoyed the way you've built Olivia. The first chapter made me fall in love with her, and honestly i really couldn't stop reading. I adore your layout, its quaint and happy and nice to read with, thus i think you made a good choice.

A few things though, your grammar is off in some parts. As pointed out below, you shouldn't start a sentence with 'And', you should really watch your tenses and also try to vary your paragraph lengths. (Your spelling was fine, i get the whole European thing :))
All together, it was wonderful!

(Comment Swap)
If I'm going over the 'summary', you shouldn't start wiht 'And', as if there was something before, while you know, there is nothing.
Kind of cute image up front, though she's not quite the best rider?
shouldn't “You’re laugh is so cute,” be “Your laugh is so cute,” though it feels strange to point out the reverse, compared to the more common?
a "," in "throat he" seems propper?
not sure, if "surer" is a word, there had to be something better?
You may consider some way to avoid "goos bumps" all over the text, Iä've come across it a few times too many in the chapter.
as I read the text, I noticed I missed sections, and went back, it's not quite going there.
Even though it feels as if you're there, the first times.
maybe that''s it 'the first time' I'd sugest you go over it, and consider the words, and make sure it's not the same word, or expression coming back all over.
'Sex scenes' are touchy, more so then most subjects.
sympathetic charactes, caring for oneanother, which on its own is possitive. you still need to work more on this.

Thank you all for your comments!

I would just like to say that I am from Scotland and therefore use British spelling. I was corrected for using the British spelling of a word and it is not something I am going to change :)

Oddly, it cut out the beginning of my comment so;

I was reading the summary, thinking about how cute it was and then, boom! I definitely did not expect that response. However, it did kind of force me to click the link to chapter one. Because it sounded freaking awesome.

For some reason, I disliked this, "Olivia felt tears gather at her ducts." The word ducts just sounds really odd here. Maybe just Olivia felt tears gathering in her eyes would sound a bit better. Again, "as salty tears appeared in her ducts" I don't know why but I just reallly find the word 'ducts' weird. Perhaps it's just me. I also noticed that you don't vary paragraph length top often. Lots of little short paragraphs make the story seem a lot longer than a couple of long and then a short. Just some tips, or suggestions to how I think it could be improved. Hope I've been somewhat helpful.

I would watch your grammar and your spelling. For example, realization is spelled with a z. And there are some missing periods in the first paragraph. The tense seems to be a little mixed up in the third paragraph. "They were sat..." It sounds a little awkward. I would suggest changing sat to sitting.

Also, anymore is one word.

"Where have you been," Jack queried.
should be:
"Where have you been?" Jack queried.

But I do adore this story. Especially this line: "'It does, every castle needs a tower for a princess to look out the window,' she said with such conviction Jack wasn't sure what to think."

Oh, and this is beautiful: "She was six years old now - old enough to know, but not old enough to fully understand." So true about six year olds.

I love your vocabulary. You have wonderful wording, and I like your description of action and the setting. I think you really capture your characters beautifully.

Squealing while reading the sandbox scene. That is the cutest kissing scene I have ever read!

The last sentence breaks my heart and makes me want to read more. I am definitely subscribing and reading the rest of your story.

I just noticed the first sentence of the post below. And I simple read it withouth the were before noticing it was actually there. I have to say when I reached the last chapter I was looking for chapter 10. I really liked this story even though it isn't my normal style. I really like the relationship between jack and Olivia. Reminds me of my best friend. A lot of people will be able to connect to the story. The story flow really really. But I do feel a some points that it was a little rushed. ~subscribed

"They were sat on the closed lid of the sandbox in Jack Hunt’s back garden."

I think the "were" sounds awkward and hinders the active voice. "They sat..." flows better. Grammar aside, I like the use of a sandox as a way to flashback to the history the characters have together, and the metaphor of the castle's foundation and the foundation of their friendship is so sappy, but it's perfect. It's the right amount of precious without making me gag xD

I enjoy the use of the sandbox as a way to flash between a progressing periods of time too. Keeping a constant setting with evolving characters is a great technique.

The only criticism I have of this chapter is how are all these flashbacks going to be relevant to the story as a whole? Will it matter in the grand scheme of things that Olivia went out with a boy two years older and Jack was jealous? That's a lot of information to bombard readers with in the opening chapter. This entire chapter seems like it's own story, that was rushed through, a bit like a movie montage. Sometimes giving your reader too much backstory up front can bog them down, and dull the story you really want to tell.

Your characters are so real and easy to care about. The background into their lives and relationship is perfect, and the first chapter set it all up so that I couldn't help but read more.

Your sex scene was nowhere near "porno-ish." It's such a beautiful and sweet first time. It's a lot more realistic that a lot of the first times in other stories. it was just as sweet as the rest of their interactions.

Also, I'm very impressed by your concern for safe sex.

I love your layout for starters, its really simple and not so bright that it hurts your eyes :) There's a couple of grammatical errors but they can be simply over looked - I don't believe it takes anything away from the story.

Olivia seems to be an excellent character, and the way you've built that is excellent. And Jack and Olivia's relationship is so cute, I couldn't stop smiling the entire time! Your writing style is excellent and really helps the reader see what they're reading. Overall, I can't wait to read more :D