Written In The Sand - Comments

This is a really cute story, in a way. I love how the first chapter gave a lengthy background to their relationship and also taught us some of what they were like; why they developed into who they were.

You had a few mistakes, mostly with commas. I'd pick out something specific but you did it a few times, and now I can't find one. However, the main thing that recurred a lot was that when referring to someone in dialogue, as in calling them by their name or just a name in general, it should be a comma. For example:
"Mallory, why would you do that?" or "Why would you do that, Mallory?"
Do you understand what I mean? Now that I went back and looked, it happened some during the scene with Sean. In fact, it happened a lot over the chapters that I read. But it's nothing particularly major.

Other than that, this is really good. You are a great writer. You're fantastic with your details and word choice to keep your sentences from being structured improperly.
This is a really good story. Great job. (:

This is beautifully written! My favorite is the first chapter. I like how it gives so much background to their relationship. Your word choice is right in the middle between too little and too much. I like that. You have a great story here! Keep writing!

This is really well done! You are a great writer. Your descriptions are amazing and I love all the characters. I feel that I could really relate to Olivia. I like how in the beginning it gave background to her and Jacks relationship. It added a nice touch to the story. Very well done. Keep up the good writing.

The sex scene was beautiful. Don't worry. I really love the part when they realized their socks were still on and tried to help each take them off. That was so cute. Update soon!! ^__^

I LOVED IT!!!!!!
it was full of love and passion and im sooo happy they were each others firsts!!!

This story is amazing. Love it.
I can't believe you don't have more subs and comments for this.
Can't wait for the next chapter.

More more more more more!!!!!!!!!
TEAM JACK RIGHT HURR

*gasp
Did Sean give her that hickey????
O_o

Awh i wish she would talk to jack.....i like them together....laura seems too bitchy and snotty for jack

Okay now I think I'm falling in love with Sean. Behind all of his shenanigans, he's such a playful, fun-loving guy. I LOVE IT. I've been half expecting him to rape Olivia or harass her in some way, but he hasn't done any of that, and it's making me love him even more. She can truly trust this guy. And yes, *ehm*, I want Olivia to give him a chance. You know, since she's been with Jack for so long, I think it's good that she checks out all the other fishes in the sea. After all, if Jack and Olivia were meant to be, they'll be.

So with that said...even though I really really want Jack and Olivia to fix everything and get back together, I am now Team Sean haha!

oh my gosh i love this story its quite uniquie even though its just a tad frustrating i still love it!

Hey, I agree with To Find Me with the moving. You said there were hints to why Olivia broke up with Jack and the boxes all over the house seems like a huge hint to me. Eeeek. If it's true, I wonder how Jack is going to take it.

I have a feeling something is happening with Livy.
I don't know what though.
Maybe cancer or moving or preggers. Yeah those are prolly all wrong, but hey they just guesses(:

I have a feeling something is happening with Livy.
I don't know what though.
Maybe cancer or moving or preggers. Yeah those are prolly all wrong, but hey they just guesses(:

Hey there. I loved the new edition to the story. The emotions in this was amazingly real and raw, especially the moment Olivia broke down and cry when Jack saw her with Sean.

I found a couple of mistakes, but it's no big deal. Just giving you a heads up.

You wrote:
Normally during break they’d be sat in the cantine with the guys

I think it would be better if you said,
Normally during break they'd be in the cantine with the guys

Also, you wrote:
Jack was stood in the doorway of the common room, a shocked, pained look on his face.

You should probably take out the "was".

Other than, this chapter was amazing. I love how quickly Jack's anger seem to disappear when he saw Olivia crying. It just makes me angry that she broke things off with him. However, I can't wait to find out why she did. Maybe it would make me less angry haha.[/size=90]

Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments! :)

Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments! :)

This is such a beautiful story. I love your style of writing. Everything flows so perfectly and your characters are so realistic. I really look forward to reading the next chapter. Please keep writing and updating. You're doing a marvelous job!

Aww the poor dears!
Both so heartbroken.
And then there was Sean!!!
hahaha
FAB! Keep writing(:

Oh my goodness I thought this story was absolutely amazing! I'm already heartbroken because of Jack and Olivia's breakup. The story flows so well, and I can really feel the emotions of the characters.

One thing I would comment on is the length of your chapters. Maybe it's just me, but I had a slightly hard time reading at some points because the chapter was really long, so maybe that could be spaced. Then again, it could just be a matter of preference.

Either way, this story is amazing! Great work! :D