Behind the Lines - Comments

Omg. How can you leave me like that? I want to read more. I want to know why her brothers were trying to get ahold of her... I'm not going to yell at you to update (even though I want to) because I know it's difficult to write sometimes. Just letting you know that you have someone waiting who is dying to find out what is going to happen.

Comment swapper :)

The summary isn't really my cup of tea, but I can't write summaries at all, so who am I to judge? The basic idea behind the story is one I've seen a few times before, but Landon's betrayal and secret is different and intriguing :)

Chapter One:
I like your opening description of Journey. She feels like a free-spirited kind of person, and I really enjoyed the image of her sitting in the damp grass without a care.

Do not get me wrong, I love American literature, just not the acting part. I love the writings of Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe and Arthur Miller, but when asked to reenact these magnificent stories and plays, my mind just does not comprehend the world of acting and emotion.
I had a few issues with this paragraph. For some reason the Do not get me wrong read very strangely. While it is grammatically correct, I felt a contraction would fit better in a first person narrative. But I know that there are other people who don't like seeing contractions outside of speech so you can ignore that.
I also don't like that Journey has expressed her admiration for American literature but followed it up by talking about Shakespeare. Even though those two sentences work well on their own, a connection is made in the reader's mind between the two, and so it feels like a mistake.
Finally, the last clause of the last sentence doesn't really make sense in the context. I feel it would work better if you had Journey saying ...when asked to reenact these magnificent stories and plays, I can't. My mind just does not comprehend... or something like that.
I like, however, the end of the paragraph, Journey's likening of herself to a robot, as it makes a nice link with her saying she doesn't understand emotion, and provides an image of how Journey sees herself for the reader.

I walk into the multicolored room of Mr. Holland, the crazy drama teacher that runs this joint
I really like this, for some reason. It just makes me grin.
Three years later, and no one has forgotten what happened. It feels like they won’t let me forget what happened.
Maybe it would be better to join these two sentences? It feels a little repetitive as it is.
because of all the torture these people have out me through
That should be put.

This causes another round of groans and another round of me rolling my eyes.
Another thing I love. It's just so natural XD it kind of reminds me of my own drama class :D

Oh yeah, did I mention he is in this class? FML.
I don't like seeing FML used in stories. I don't like seeing FML used point blank - for me it lacks any sort of originality and brings to mind someone who is overly self-pitying. However, that is just my own opinion.

There will be costumes and propsand an audience.
There is a space missing between props and and.
I'll take this moment to say I really love Mr. Holland. He seems like he's insane in the funnest and best possible way.

Wait a second. Did he just pair me up with Landon? The Landon I hate more than anything in the world.

My life sucks.
I feel like there should be a question mark after ...hate more than anything in the world. but I'm not sure.
I feel the same about the My life sucks comment as I do about 'FML's but it's still personal so yeah.

Overall, I liked this chapter :D and I look forward to reading the rest of the story.
This comment is far longer than I anticipated, so I'll stop here, but if you want me to do the same thing for the rest of the chapters in a PM just say the word :)

this is really interesting. i have to agree with the comment below, whilst the background is adorable, it doesn't seem to be very fitting, but i digress.

the story though is really good. it does have this excellent mystery to it as well, and that's very hard to do well (especially on somewhere like mibba). it's a general, all round, good story, and i can't wait to see where you take it! <3

Beautiful beautiful writing style. It really drew me in and I just couldn't stop reading.

I could relate to the character from the start. It really took me back to my high school days which weren't pleasant but that helps me to become sympathetic to your character which creates a bond between the reader and MC.

The plot and the idea is interesting and it really made me curious as a reader to read on. In which case, I have subscribed and I look forward to reading on so please update soon! Sadie J. Blue xxx

Comment Swap
I'm gonna be honest...I don't quite get what the background has to do with the story. Anyway, I like the idea behind the story, but the fact that Journey hates Landon being constantly reiterated can get kind of tiring. But I do want to know what he did, and curiosity almost always keeps readers coming back. I think this story is good though :)

So I was brought here by the comment swap and I absolutely love every aspect about your story. I love the names, Journey (one of my favorite bands) and I've liked the name Landon ever since I saw A Walk to Remember. It made me feel sad that even Journey's family has avoided her since she was framed. I would think that family sticks together. I like how you've kept a mystery going and haven't given away what happened that made Journey an outcast. So keep writing and I'm subscribing :)

Your summary was very... Daunting. Really long, I think it could have been condensed some.

Interesting plot idea though, and what exactly Landing did to her is going to keep people interested. I liked her for the most part up until the second chapter when she judged the new kid so harshly with no reason. If that's how she acts I can see why people don't like her, I also felt the following comment about the girls being attention seeking whores didn't get her any brownie points. She's just not coming off that likeable. Sweet gets boring I know, but you've got to give your reader something to like about your MC and I haven't seen that yet.

Your writing feels a bit choppy, like the do nots and such souls be condensed to give it a better flow.

Overall its a nice idea though, and I wish you the best of luck with it.

I liked the plot so far you've created in the first chapter but I dislike the way it's written and admittedly, it's not my type of story. I don't enjoy how it switches from thought to action without much of a warning, in a way, it confuses me and sort of bores me. There are also several grammatical errors along with spelling errors but they can be fixed easily. I don't mean to offend you, I am simply giving you my opinion.

You've managed to keep up an air of mystery as to why people hate Journey so much and what Landon did to make her hate him. It was smart not to throw that out at the start. Journey has a distinct voice that carries throughout and that's fantastic. There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes but none that couldn't be fixed with a quick read through.

So I was brought here by comment swap. Admittedly, this isn't my kind of story, but it wasn't a bad read. First, I think you should change your summary. The way it is now is just too long and a turn off. Perhaps just the description of the two and saying they used to be best friends? Other than that I have no complaints. I actually like the name Journey, and you've done a good job keeping people wondering about her past. Keep up the good work!

I was brought here by comment swap. For the most part I really enjoyed this story. I have to admit that the name Journey annoys me a little, but I am super anal about things like that. I really want to find out why everybody hates her, and how Landon was involved in it. There were a few minor mistakes, nothing a quick lookover won't fix. Keep writing! :)

Brought here by comment swap and I have to say I really enjoyed this story. I like your long chapters and development of the characters in a realistic manner. I am also extremely curious as to what she supposedly did to make her entire family hate her. I feel like that's a tough point you have to sell to the reader, although I do hope you do it right. Otherwise a typing mistake here or there, but nothing two awful. Keep going please!

Really great story! keep up the good work.

Ok, I was not a big fan of the summary. I did not really like it and it made me want to not read it. Second, I am not a fan of the layout. It reminds me a lot of a MySpace page. Other than that I like it a lot. The storyline is good and there were few grammar and spelling mistakes. Hard to find. Nice job! Keep up the good work!

Kristen :)

subscribed ! really good story. I love your development of the characters and the consistency of Journey's thoughts. Very intrigued by what happened to Journey and it makes me anxious to read more. Wow she has a lot of brothers ! I wonder what could be so bad that her loveable siblings (as you described) could be so harsh to her and not see her side. Anyways happy writing !

So the first thing I have to say is the summery is a turn off. To say typical is just not something you want to say about your characters. You don't want your characters to be typical, because typical is cliche, typical is common. Your characters should be so complex they could win an award for it. I also must say that the way they got together was pretty typical as well, being paired together for a project. I don't know, its just overdone, it would have been more interesting if they hadn't been paired together but interacted a different way. There's obviously some tension between the two which is interesting and curious.

Hi! So I must say that I really enjoyed reading this story. It’s a very original idea for a story and I must say that I haven’t ever come across a story like this. I love how you made all the characters (the main and the small ones) relatable to everyone. It made the story realistic and a pleasure to read. Your spelling and grammar were fantastic and that’s something that rarely comes across on Mibba. I hope you continue this story and I am most definitely subscribing and recommending (:

Hey I'm here because of Comment Swap I'm glad it sent me to your story! I think this is a really neat idea for a story, I really do hope you keep this up; I think it's a really good story so far! Well done! I’m going to recommend this story!

I really enjoyed this so far. I like how you ended the first few chapters in a cliffhanger - a lot of writers don't find reason to, but what other incentive is there to carry on reading?

Grace is so sweet :D

“Will you be my new best friend?” she asks innocently, smiling and showing off her little teeth, two of which were missing in the top.

I love minor characters that contribute to making the story light-hearted and fun. I'm really curious as to what happens with Blaine/Landon/the whole gang :D

x

They sound like a fun family and I wonder what her brothers wanted...update soon please!