The Ideas of When - Comments

All comments below are ones left before I started reposting the revised version of the story.

@ AHLICE
Thank you so much for the comment. I'm actually having someone make me a new banner and layout.

The reason I didn't edit the chapters before posting them was because I was doing this for NANOWRIMO. Reading through every chapter would get in the way of the actual writing I was trying to do. I hope that explains it well.

And I really meant it when I said thank you. I'm actually very happy with this comment because of the feedback it gives me I know what to work on.

With that said, this story is being rewritten. I have rewrote the entire introduction, and it's not set up quite like this introduction is.

Anyways, thank you for the comment. It's greatly appreciated.

Layout

Very simple, very nice, and I like how your banner is made instead of just copy-pasted from weheartit or some image website similar to that. Though the bright yellow chapters are a little hurtful on the eyes.

I'm also wondering why you don't edit your chapters before putting them up? Just a short, quick read over would suffice. I'm not trying to attack or lecture you or anything, but I feel like just throwing the chapters up without even the littlest of editing could be detrimental to the flow and the feel of the story.

Chapter one

I like how you jump right into the story as soon as it begins. You answer, who and what and why immediately, and sometimes it's nice to know what you're getting yourself into when you're reading something.

I like how you continue to tell instead of show, because most people don't seem to do that much anymore, but I do feel like this is teetering on the edge of a list-like feel. Like, you're telling it in perfect sequence, most to-the-point sentences, and I'm getting 95% show, and 5% feel. Sometimes it's good to just tell a reader what's going on, but when most of it is Aiden did . . . . Aiden went to . . . Aiden has . . . then it starts getting monotonous. I hope you understand what I mean.

I also feel like there should've been more explanation to the transition between Aiden meeting the doctor, and the doctor getting Aiden more comfortable with him. By the way you wrote it, it seemed pretty quick and rushed. As in, what exactly did the doctor do and say differently to make Aiden open up so much to him and not to his own parents? It would've been nice to seem some dialogue of a few visits there, or something of the sorts.

Also when Aiden pretty much had a panic attack his parents right after were "happy, but a little confused"? I know they've seen his panic attacks plenty of times before, but you'd think they'd be a little more shook up and, even with the doctor's reassurance, feel a lot more worried rather than "happy and a little confused"? And then they take him out for ice cream? It would've been nice to see more specifics and dialogue during this pivotal point in Aiden's life, too, since it seemed pretty important and could've given me more insight into his life and personality and the whole procedure.

The point of Aiden locking himself away from the world was very realistic, though. It seemed like a very probable reaction to everything he's going through, and I could really feel for him there.

And then when his dad days? Oh my god, even though you didn't explain it in detail I was still very sad when you said it. I just wish there was more of an explanation of Aiden's feelings about his dead father and his mom's feelings about her dead husband. You know -- the anguish and all that.

The ending of this chapter was beautiful, though. I can feel that Aiden and his mom's bond became closer after everything they've been through. That was great.

--

Overall this is a very original plot, and I hope you power through all of this! I'm sorry I couldn't get to chapter two, but I really am rooting for you in this development.

Meow! Your kitten has been delivered by Angel's Pet Shop :)

I really, really like this story. You've done a full description that sets the story up nicely. I really like the plot idea as well, it's creative and unique :)

I love that Aidan plays the piano and refuses to play when others are around. This feature adds a quirkiness to him that makes him seem humane and real. You've managed to add a depth to him which is amazing

Lastly I love your descriptiveness as well, you've managed to paint a clear picture in my mind with the setting of the scenes, what's happening, who's doing what etc and for me that's a big deal :3 If a story can't do that then I can't read it but yours definitely does!

this is a story, aproximately about the occurence when ones life becomes entagled in the process of absurdity and to wit, is embraced by the ensuing mundanity of his now forsaken life! Jolly Good! @ tenona
Well I certainly hope you read the rest of what's already written! I'm very glad that you like it. Thank you!This is an absolutely delightful piece of original fiction ma'am. I'm only on chapter 7 but I'm interested to see where you take it!@ E P Kent
I do know what you mean. Thank you!@ recluse-
Well it's not so much that there are parts i don't want to know; its more about keeping the story's adrenaline running while slipping in the bits of info you want kept during pieces of narrative.
example:
say you started out the story with Aiden playing the piano. You describe the piano, the melody ect. and then you can have quick reflections back on how he'd started playing when he was a kid, and how his mother bought it for him because of his fits or whatever.
You don't necessarily have to use that specif plot but do you see what i mean?

this is a story, aproximately about the occurence when ones life becomes entagled in the process of absurdity and to wit, is embraced by the ensuing mundanity of his now forsaken life! Jolly Good!

this is a story, aproximately about the occurence when ones life becomes entagled in the process of absurdity and to wit, is embraced by the ensuing mundanity of his now forsaken life! Jolly Good!

@ tenona
Well I certainly hope you read the rest of what's already written! I'm very glad that you like it. Thank you!

This is an absolutely delightful piece of original fiction ma'am. I'm only on chapter 7 but I'm interested to see where you take it!

@ E P Kent
I do know what you mean. Thank you!

@ recluse-
Well it's not so much that there are parts i don't want to know; its more about keeping the story's adrenaline running while slipping in the bits of info you want kept during pieces of narrative.
example:
say you started out the story with Aiden playing the piano. You describe the piano, the melody ect. and then you can have quick reflections back on how he'd started playing when he was a kid, and how his mother bought it for him because of his fits or whatever.
You don't necessarily have to use that specif plot but do you see what i mean?

@ E P Kent
Thank you so much for the feedback. Once I'm finally finished it I'll go back and edit things, I just want to get it done first. Do you think you could point out what parts of the backstory you wouldn't want to know?

Comment Swap: I love the idea of your story, its a great starting point and really did draw me in very quickly; unfortunately as i read the first page i felt myself losing interest through the backstory. It's not that it's bad (though editting a bit wouldnt hurt) but it's just on Mibba if i don't have my attention drawn in quickly, it usually doesnt happen at all. I wrote a story called the veranda, and it had a sort of superpower twist to it too and i made the same mistake of loading up the first chapter with a lot of lore which is what killed it for most readers. It takes a lot of effort to scrap your work and re-write but it always comes out better the second time.

I think Im starting to connect some ideas, correct me if Im wrong, but is Mr.Beam going to try to hurt Aidan and end up killing Riley's brother???I NEED TO KNOW.
I AM FANGIRL'ING OVER THIS.

*comment swap*

Wow.

This was good! No.. Amazing(: haha. I like the way this is written, writing style is crisp and simple. Which I love. I want to see where this is going! And besides a few grammar errors, this is a wonderful story! And grammar errors are normal, I have tons of problems with it.

Ahh. Thank you Comment Swap! For bringing me here(:

This is great, I have read the 10 chapters in one day.

I haven't read much yet, but as of right now, what I did readm it's amazing and flows wonderfly. I can easily visualize evertthing and can actually understand. It has a simpleness to it, but at the same time, there's a subtle suspense that's really cool. The layot fits well for it and it's easy to read and not hard on my eyes.

Great job so far. :)

i just adore his personality. he's so posh.

you have a great story here. I love the idea and everything about it. You have a wonderful layout, you words flow clear enough for someone to read without getting lost. It is a remarkable piece of writing. Keep up the great work.

i absolutely loved chapter two! so excited for the next one :)