Angels Born of Hell and Fire - Comments

This was a super interesting story! I really enjoyed your voice in this, it's a writing style I don't often see and thought was well done for the most part. I would just take some time to thoroughly edit so that grammatical or punctuation errors don't take away from the story. Keep writing! Great job!

comment swap:
First, I'm going to start with the layout. It's very nice, and was a pleasant thing to come to. I love the contrast of color you used. The summary intrigued me, in a way. It definitely got my attention. You are a good writer, and i love the story.

What a way to end the first chapter! It's very gripping and suspenseful. I really want to read on and see what happens to the two girls next. D: Aside from a few spelling errors, I think it was fine. The following chapter in Jasper's POV really shows the difference between them and I think it's good to step into the minds of both main characters. :] Keep it up!

Hey! :) I'm here for comment swap.

A thing that immediately stood out to me was that you use a lot of "ing" verbs. Not that that's bad, it should just be used in moderation. I've read on a lot of writing sites that "ing" verbs should be dropped or changed because it makes the writing weak. For example this site discusses that problem with some other people on a forum, so I think you'd find that interesting.

What I'd do to help (let me take a paragraph in the first chapter for example) would be this:
Original: I rubbed my arms, smearing them with the mud that had collected beneath my palms... But I forced it away, sitting ridged on the mud caked floor of the cage, my wide eyes staring out past the rusted bars into blackness."
You could strengthen it like this:
"I rubbed my arms and smeared them with the mud that had collected beneath my palms... But I forced it away and sat ridged on the mud caked floor of the cage. My wide eyes stared out past the rusted bars into blackness."

Other than that, this is pretty fantastic. :) I really like this story and the realness of it. Other than a few spelling errors, it's fine. A quick look-through can help that. Your beginning pulls a reader in by the shoulders and swamps them in your plot and it's awesome. Keep up the good work!

Wow, you are able to get your readers hooked very quickly, i barely blinked while reading the chapters! I felt that at the beginning considering how muddy etc and how they seemed to know a lot about what was going on, it was like megan and jasper had been there a lot longer than few hours? that's just the impression I got, also thought they didnt show any signs of trauma considering they were kidnapped that day, maybe if they were kidnapped a while back they be a lot tougher but i don't know i feel like they'd still be in denial?
I also didnt see much distinction between the characters of megan and jasper, they were like the same person to me,
You are very good with description, like seriously superb, and i was actually surprised when i found out adam was a vamp which is pretty hard to do so kudos
overall really good story!

I just reached the end of part one and I think this will be a really great story. The way you described the physical state of the characters and the way you told their attitude through their conversations, I think those are the best of you! I'm gonna read until the end! Keep going :D

I read chapter nine since I got this with comment swap. I noticed that you were missing a few commas, but nothing to serious. It looks interesting but the whole not human thing doesn't really interest me in particular. And starting in the middle, where I think should be the most informative or detailed, I don't know the characters but you were doing some great descriptions there in chapter nine. Keep it up, you seem to have things down pretty well!

I love the story so far, I am at the end of part one and I can't seem to stop reading. The plot behind this has a lot of thought and is so original. Megan's character is amusing and Jasper is inspiring. The writing style that you both have is filled with talent. Every aspect just gets more and more intense with every chapter. Keep up the great work.

I really enjoyed the way you write. It's very discriptive and your use of adjectives makes the whole thing seem more realistic, it gives me a clearer picture in my mind as to what I'm reading which I really enjoy. I loved the plot, and the whole thing is pretty intense. Keep it up!

Wow. This is really good stuff. First off, I wanna say that it doesn't matter whether I'm from comment swap or not. Quite frankly, I always feel a little offended when people have to state that they comment only because of C.S.-- I see no real reason to say it.

Now. You have really good writing structure. Your style is clean and fresh, easy to understand. The characters are good and emotional-- great job on bringing that out. The plot is interesting, and with good choice of words, your talent is easily noticed. I hope you continue writing, because it looks like you're great at it, friend. ^^

P.S.: I can't wait for character development in this story.

Comment Swap Here:

First i really like your layout!! <3 and i like your summary. You plot seems really well developed, and i kind of love it. It's not predictable which i like :) I enjoyed this. Keep Writing:)

I like the picture you had in the summary. And I like the little splash of darkness you have in the title in the chapters.

The summary drew me in a little. I'm not going to mention much of it because you want comments on the actual story. And keep in mind, I'm writing this comment as I read. xD I usually do that.

So now I'm finished with the first chapter. It was vague, but I like it. This story isn't really my style though.

But I may read on to see what the terrible mistake was. xD

This is very interesting! You have a well devised plot it seems! I was kind of confused a lot. I thought Adam wanted a lover, and that he was a vampire. But I like how your story kept me guessing. I don't like it when a story is predictable. And you have a very descriptive way of writing, which is nice since it's not overbearing but creates nice imagery.

Anyways, you had a few punctuation and spellings errors. They can easily be fixed with a little editting. I'd like to point out that in earlier chapters, a lot of your punctuation errors were wrong near your dialogue. But it seems you corrected yourself in the following chapters.

I have a little suggestion, you really don't have to follow it, but instead of having a part two, you could just make it a sequel. You ended part one with a cliffhanger, which will get your readers to want to read more. It's more of a 'selling' point I guess.

The only thing I didn't particularly like about the story, is Megan and Jasper. They don't seem like strong individual characters to me. But more of one person. When you switch to Jasper's point of view I get confused and think it's still Megan. I don't know if that's just me though. I feel like your other characters are very dynamic and have their own quirks. Maybe you could just add idiosyncrasies that would define more of who they are. I don't know, just a suggestion. It's your story don't think you have to change anything.

Anyways, it really well written and I enjoyed it. Keep up the good work!

Comment Swap!
I love the way you write. Your descriptions are beautiful. I did catch a few errors in the first two chapters, the biggest one being in Chapter Two where there is a paragraph written in third person when it should be in Jasper's point of view:
"After the man had purchased them, the slave traders had hosed them down roughly, thrown two horse blankets at them and pushed them into a shiny black car. Here awaiting them had been their new owner, leisurely watching them with his stunning violet eyes."

Other than that I just saw a few typos that you could definitely clean up if you went over it again.
I'm definitely going to come back and keep reading this. I'm really interested in the story. Awesome job!

-Comment Swap-
You are so good with descriptive scenes, I've never read anything like some of the stuff you write. It's honestly amazing. It can get confusing but it's so beautiful written. I love the layout by the way. You should continue writing because you have a real gift

Brought here from Comment Swap:
I reviewed chapter 12 because I figured it would be less reviewed than chapter 1 so here it goes. The description is amazing, you have a way with words that really had to wanting to read more [and I will, from the beginning]. The only thing I saw wrong was this line: and i would be the one to do so.. The I should be capitalized. Other than that it was beautiful.

I love finding out more about all the characters. Gabriel is such a cutie pie. I love this story!

Hi I was brought here by comment swap. So first impressions: the summary was a bit confusing but intriguing and I think you wanted it that way :) love the layout and pictures that come with the rest of the story.

The first chapter was really good and descriptive, I could picture what was going on even though I was a bit confused haha. There was one thing I was wondering about when the guy questioned about whether the bidder wanted something "pacific" I don't know if you meant to do that meaning the bidder preferred pacific islanders or something or if it was supposed to be "specific". Just thought I'd point that out. Overall good though :)

~Brought here by comment swap~
So the titoe definitely caught my interest,:and the summary even more so. This is a very unique plotline and I love this type of writing and genre. I don't have the time right now to read it all, but the introduction was a great hook. I can't wait to see where this goes. I'll definitely be back to read the rest.

Your story title intrigued me and when I read the little summary, I was like Okay I have to see what this story is all about.

BTW that design thing up near the title is pretty awesome.

I like the way this is narrated it was like a mystery/magical air to it. It was a tad confusing at first, but it totally came into it's own the more I read.