What Doesn't Kill You... - Comments

I don't really like Avenged Sevenfold, but I love this story. The first chapter is filled with so much emotion. I had a lot of pathos for the main character. You have good grammar and spelling. I didn't really see any mistakes. The story is pretty interesting so far.

Keep up the good work :)

Sad but I really like it. Its unique plz right more and keep with this cause the first chapter is amaizing.

(Comment Swap)

So, when I first started reading this, I thought "Crap. It's another one where so-in-so from A7X is some abusive asshole sex trafficker or whatever who turns around somewhere around chapter 10." And then it wasn't! Yay! I'm actually going to subscribe. I'm really interested in seeing where this good. You have a good handle on words, and your layout is simple yet elegant. I do think that you should add a blurb to your summary, just to give people an idea of what they're reading.

@ WeHaveAHulk
Thank you so much for your comment! Rest assured, more is coming very soon!

@ krista loves you!
Thank you for your comment I am so glad you enjoyed it so far. I only posted one chapter so I could tend to any issues that would interrupt the flow later. As well, her history comes out in the third or forth chapter. anyways, thank you do much!

@ ThatFreakInTheCorner
Thank you for your comment I am so glad you enjoyed it!

@ z o m b i e
Thank you for reading and commenting! As the story goes on you will understand her a little better as I am actually working on clarifying her mindset right now in the third chapter.....it's going to be a bit of a fill-in-the-blanks chapter to help understand the characters, mainly Laura.

Thank you very much and I am glad to be your first avenged story!

@ Katlight Sparkle
Thank you for taking the time out to comment on my story. I am currently working on the third chapter and it is almost completely on clarifying certain aspects of Laura's life and opinion on the child as well as her relationship to some of the other characters which will hopefully answer some of the questions which were raised.

Thank you very much, I sincerely appreciate the feedback

@ Enchantment
Thank you very much for taking the time out to write such a thorough comment on my story an I am glad that you enjoy it without actually knowing the band in question. With that being said you are in luck, as the story goes on the 'band' aspect will not be a part of it so much as the comradarie between the guys.

Thank you for pointing out the coma's and use of large words, I work backshift from 11 pm until 730 am and in boring times I write and get a little too into it, same with the improper then/than...some of the things I have missed in my own read through that I will be sure to go through and edit.

I am currently writing the third chapter in which, before reading your comment and anybody else's comment, I have started to clarify certain aspects of the story in general.

However: the room is adequate because it has a bed but holds no other sign of actually being a place in which she would like to spend a large amount f time in. The meticulously groomed garden part is that there is not a leaf out of place, all flowers are grouped together and then, for lack of a better word, organized by color and shade.

And web I wrote cream it was actually something I meant to change and will be changing when I go back through it, the carpet is supposed to be white and it is supposed to say that the colors are cotrastjng each other. Thank you for pointing that out as well.

And the use of big words is not for really either reason, i'm a 4th year english major in University and all of my professors want large words used and I am just so into the habit that I don't even realize that I am doing that in this writing.

Anyways, thank you very much!

Oops. Double Post. XD My comment is long enough by itself, you don't need to read it twice as much.

So; I'm firstly going to note (and I promise the rest of this will be a "real" comment) that I really know nothing about Avenged SevenFold. At all. So, I can't comment on how accurately you've portrayed the fandom or whatever. And if at any point during the first chapter you said anything that could be a hint...or...tease...or reference or anything--- I totally missed it. I really can't comment on something I know nothing about.

So, onto the writing itself. The first thing I noticed, actually, was your very unique tone and style. The order in which you word your sentences, for example, is actually- to me- very confusing.
It could be because I'm reading this at midnight, and I've had an exhausting day, but since I have no idea if this is a "problem" anyone else has brought up or presented- I'm just going to leave it here. (On the promise that after this comment is done I'll come back when I'm more awake and leave you a comment with my clearer more... sober thoughts, I guess."

The next thing I noticed was your abundance of big words. I don't mean this in any sort of insulting way, and for the most part you seem to be using them correctly. It's not something you've done wrong, or that -needs- correcting. In fact, I can't say anything -against- it, grammatically.
You seem to be in the habit of throwing big words out there wherever they apply to a situation. Even if that situation could be very simply worded and explained otherwise. It gets a bit excessive when just a few paragraphs in, having to try and decipher a lot of the oddly worded sentences, I'm being hit with several larger...seemingly unnecessary words.
Perhaps I'm being...nitpicky...and you don't at all have to take that to heart. It's just, if it's something you hadn't noticed you were doing, I thought I'd point it out. It's a bit overbearing when the opening paragraph has the words "Adequate" (like, what do you actually mean by "adequate bedroom"? It's adequate because it actually has a bed? What does that mean?) and "contrasting" in the same sentence. As in, the carpet is contrasting the walls. Like...the fact one is standing up and the other is laying down? The fact one is light and the other is dark? Can it really be contrast if they're both shades of the same color? Cream is a light shade of brown...chocolate brown is a darker shade of....brown. That's like saying pink contrasts red.

Then, just two sentences later "institutional" (which, by the way, is followed by the wrong "then/than." Then is a place in time. "Then, Margie went to the store." "Then, I bounced the ball." "Then, after that, I ate the sandwich." and than is a comparison. "This cat is larger than that cat." "This shade of grey is lighter than the other 49." So far, this seems to be the only error of the sort though)
"Meticulously maintained garden"
The maintaining of the garden is a bit over the top, if it's meticulous. If that's what you were actually going for, I mean. Marked by exact accordance to the details--- marked by extreme care in treatment of details-- "Meticulous" is all about details. So if it's meticulously maintained, do you mean all the flowers are grouped together by color? All the plants are planted in exact straight lines?

Honestly, it seems you use words like that for one of two (or both) reasons: 1.) That you seem to want to show off that these are words you know. or 2.) just to keep from elaborating on seemingly minute details.
On the first, congratulations-- but it's okay to be straight, simple. Sometimes simpler is better. It's okay to say "Very Red" instead of "Vermillion".

On the second: It's true that it can be tedious to elaborate on very unimportant details-- but using larger words excessively on simple subjects that are never brought up again- draws attention to these unimportant details. My attention is drawn to the 'adequate bedroom' (which I'm assuming means it's a bedroom with a bed) and to the 'contrasting' walls and carpet.

I'm focused more on the smaller things you're drawing attention to, than the larger circumstances my attention should actually be on.

Lastly, I should note that your usage of commas really dwindles throughout the chapter. When you first start it's clear that you knew what you were doing. They're all in the right place and everything. So I won't give you a lesson on when to use commas and where and all that, cause you know. Somewhere in the middle of the chapter, however, they start to lack. I think it's because you were so enthralled by what you were writing, and were so out of this world with it, that you weren't exactly focused on punctuation. We're all guilty of it. Somewhere near the end you get back into it though.

This all being said;

I absolutely love it.

This is great.

This is very much so, clearly, for an intelligent audience. I adore it. I can definitely see myself following and loving this story, despite my abundant lack of knowledge about the fandom it's for. I could easily see this as an original fiction, and if I read it as such, I'm sure I'll still enjoy it as much as any fan.

:3 So you have my subscription, and I hope that you continue.

Here from comment swap!

But anyway, I really like the opening where you build up the picture of a girl living in the lap of luxury--although the word adequate seemed oddly out of place--and then immediately juxtaposed by the fact that she’s just gotten the crap knocked out of her.

The nitpicker in me has to point out that beating the crap out of someone is not a very good abortion strategy, since you’re more likely to cause internal damage to a bunch of other systems and not cause a miscarriage, but hey, artistic license, I guess?

My only other major suggestion is to slow the story down a little bit and focus on the characters. Laura has been through a terrible trauma of being beaten by her boyfriend and having an abortion/miscarriage? But I don’t really know how she feels about it. Did she want the child? Sort of relieved that she’s not dragging a baby into this mess? Why couldn’t she go to a clinic and get an abortion? I have a lot of questions that are unanswered, and some of them need to be answered if I’m supposed to connect to the character.

Grammatically, direct addresses in dialogue should be set off by commas. You use them a few times, but other times it’s not there when a character says a name. Speaking of says, you use that word a lot, which is probably better than endless strings of ridiculous synonyms, but it feels pretty redundant. For most of the chapter there’s only two same characters speaking, so maybe try closing the quotes off without tags. There a couple of times that you close things off with commas, and then continue with someone else’s actions and thoughts. For example in the last paragraph.
““Perfect, thank you Lorenzo, I’ll be in touch,” I hear Timothy say” should look more like
“Perfect, thank you, Lorenzo, I’ll be in touch.” [New paragraph.]
I hear Timothy say.
Anyway, it’s a good start to a story, and it’ll be interesting to see where you take it.

For the Comment Swap;
Personally, I'm not well versed in the realm of Avenged Sevenfold fanfiction, so please bear with me. I've never written it myself or read it, so you're the lucky first.
Immediately, I'm shocked by whatever event has taken place to Laura; she's been battered, obviously, but she seems calm despite what's happened and incredibly considerate for the maid rather than worrying over her own health. Overall, I'm intrigued as to how the band fits into this scenario; I've seen a lot of stories where a band member rescues a woman from an abusive relationship but I'm not sure whether or not that will be the case here.
The writing is good; some of the detail about her clothing, hair, etc. is unnecessary in my opinion and a bit of fine-tuning in the area of diction could be useful, but it's quite good.

I hope you keep writing!

I hail from the land of Comment Swap! First of all, I love Avenged Sevenfold stories. This one is just so awesome on so many levels. I love the plot so far, and how descriptive your writing is. The fact that she had an unborn child beaten out of her is interesting and unique and confusing, all at the same time, but this story is just so awesome! Keep writing!

I come from comment swap!

When I saw that this was an Avenged Sevenfold story, I got very excited. I was also pretty sad when there was only one chapter to read! Your writing flows and you managed to keep me interested. Though, at the beginning, I was a little confused because I don't know the history between Laura and Timothy, so I wish that would have been inserted. Keep writing and good luck!

Sent here from Comment Swap

I was very disappointed to see that there was only one Chapter considering how good this is, I was hooked. You're great at describing and your writing just flows, i would go so far to say it's a masterpiece.

Keep writing and good luck!

Sent here from Comment Swap

I was very disappointed to see that there was only one Chapter considering how good this is, I was hooked. You're great at describing and your writing just flows, i would go so far to say it's a masterpiece.

Keep writing and good luck!

@ xMidnightxVampx
:) Thank you for reading and commenting, I 'm actually doing that right now aha. I've written a few abuse stories in the past but I was like 14/15 so they sucked. Anyways, thank you so much! :D

This is very well written. Your vocabulary is really good. The story seems entertaining enough. I have some advice for writting a abuse story. Do some rescreach on the topic. It will really help you bring it across realistically and it only take a little bit of reading.

You've got a great start.

@ InfiniteLove;
Weeeeee! I'm glad you liked it! Thank you so much for commenting! :D