Fin - Comments

dammit triple post
i'm sorry :c </3

Wow. This is...amazing. I came here from the Mibba mag which is really strange because I usually don't enjoy the stories recommended there...but wow. This is absolutely fantastic. The short chapters are beautiful as well as the simplicity of each one. I love how you can give readers chills just by putting a simple sentence somewhere we wouldn't expect it. And how this story is taking a turn. Usually the woman leaves when the husband cheats on her but then he gets a disease or something and she goes back...but here it started with her taking him back. Something I'm completely not used to. So I'm already thrown for a loop, and if anyone knows anything about me, it's that I really love being thrown for loops. I hate predictability which is why I'm so frustrated at my own stories and writing style because I can never seem to accomplish unpredictability, heh heh.

Anyway, I guess I'll let you know this is the first story I've subscribed to in probably a year and the first one that's not one of mine or my friend's that I've ever recommended. Congratulations - this is really a work of art. <3

Wow. This is...amazing. I came here from the Mibba mag which is really strange because I usually don't enjoy the stories recommended there...but wow. This is absolutely fantastic. The short chapters are beautiful as well as the simplicity of each one. I love how you can give readers chills just by putting a simple sentence somewhere we wouldn't expect it. And how this story is taking a turn. Usually the woman leaves when the husband cheats on her but then he gets a disease or something and she goes back...but here it started with her taking him back. Something I'm completely not used to. So I'm already thrown for a loop, and if anyone knows anything about me, it's that I really love being thrown for loops. I hate predictability which is why I'm so frustrated at my own stories and writing style because I can never seem to accomplish unpredictability, heh heh.

Anyway, I guess I'll let you know this is the first story I've subscribed to in probably a year and the first one that's not one of mine or my friend's that I've ever recommended. Congratulations - this is really a work of art. <3

Wow. This is...amazing. I came here from the Mibba mag which is really strange because I usually don't enjoy the stories recommended there...but wow. This is absolutely fantastic. The short chapters are beautiful as well as the simplicity of each one. I love how you can give readers chills just by putting a simple sentence somewhere we wouldn't expect it. And how this story is taking a turn. Usually the woman leaves when the husband cheats on her but then he gets a disease or something and she goes back...but here it started with her taking him back. Something I'm completely not used to. So I'm already thrown for a loop, and if anyone knows anything about me, it's that I really love being thrown for loops. I hate predictability which is why I'm so frustrated at my own stories and writing style because I can never seem to accomplish unpredictability, heh heh.

Anyway, I guess I'll let you know this is the first story I've subscribed to in probably a year and the first one that's not one of mine or my friend's that I've ever recommended. Congratulations - this is really a work of art. <3

I hope you don't mind a little critique.

Sometimes the sentence structure can be a little clunky, like with this sentence: "She slowly closed the door behind her, trying not to make a sound because she assumed he was already asleep."
>> Try reading it out loud. A good place to end the sentence would be after "sound". Then maybe something like "Because it was so late, she had assumed Ross had gone to bed." There are other sentences that are like that as well. It kind of disrupts the very delicate flow in the piece.

The chapters seemed to have a disconnect. I wasn't sure how they related to the initial cheating in the beginning. (However I can see some of its effects in her character development, but more about that later.) They seem to skip around and there isn't much of a connection. I can see a connection in details in the chapters and how they're coming together, but there needs to be some sort of transition between each chapter so the reader doesn't feel jarred and confused.

I think there is a little more telling than showing going on here. For instance when Ross gets sick, it's told, not shown. Not to mention we don't get much reaction from Lydia. Because of that, there's no urgency in the reader. When I read it I was like "Okay, he's hurt/sick." I didn't really care about him because there wasn't any showing and because of the lack of reaction on Lydia's part.

Those were just three major issues that I saw and they can easily be fixed during editing. No problem at all. Now onto the stuff I thought was good.

I loved the delicate tone to this. It felt very fragile and I felt like it incorporated the voice of the character even though it was in third person. Also, good choice on using third person. I think this is definitely a story that calls for it.

I don't feel like we know a whole lot about Ross just yet, but we can see the core of him and I think that's great.

There are also a lot of question about Lydia as well. Does she not want kids because she doesn't want kids or is she punishing him? We don't know and I think that's great.

Relating to what I said above, I think Lydia's thoughts and reactions to Ross after his cheating is very subtle. Which I love. I hate it when writers come out and say what a character is feeling. (This happens especially in first person, which is why I think third was such a great choice for this piece.) Not only does this avoid telling us how she feels, but it contributes to that fragile tone.

Overall, I think this is a great story. Does it need some work? Yes, just like every story anyone writes. Now, I didn't write this to offend you or rip up your story just because I can. Instead I just want to give you things to think about so when you get around to editing you can make this shine as brightly as possible.

This is amazing. It's short, sweet, and to the point; I love how short the chapters are, and how they're a complete different idea each time you update. It takes us to a completely different time with each one.

It's awesome, and probably one of the best stories I've read on here so far (:

I absolutely love this already. The short chapters, the simple meaning, how easily understood it is. I love it. I love it. I. LOVE. IT. And there's like, nothing more for me to say. Because I love every aspect of it goddammit.

O:
I am in love with this. Please tell me it's not finished?
Please!!
Please update!!

I saw a review for this, and I decided to check it out.
Im really glad I did! I can really relate to Lydia, but at the same time she makes me mad, haha
Update sooooooon. :)

OKAY
SO
WELL
I mean, first off, I'M WONDERING WHY I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS WONDERFUL STORY UNTIL I SAW AN ARTICLE ABOUT IT LIKE THREE SECONDS AGO
REALLY
I MEAN
YOU THINK I'D BE NOTIFIED
BUT I GUESS NOT
it's fine.
~~~anyway~~
Ross and Lydia, Lydia and Ross--bbys. c: ROSS, LIKE THE GUY FROM FRIENDS, AND OH MY GOD THE ENTIRE STORY I KEPT THINKING THAT SIGH
~too much free time~
but Lydia
LYDIA GIRL YOU NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER because I mean, you have Ross who kind of probably okay admittedly cheated on you, and like, you don't even have a backbone and then you meet ~james~ the actor who sounds ~~~hawwwwttt~~~ AND YOU THROW AWAY HIS NUMBER
GIRL
._.
and then you're 'TRYING' to get pregnant but not really
OKAY FINE WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS FOOL
SIGH
but this story makes my feels go haywire so YOU KNOW IT'S GOOD.
#rantover

Aw

Aw this was cute!
Update :)

I still hate her.
poor Ross, ugh, I just wanna take him into my arms :c
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DOESN'T FEEL BAD FOR TAKING THOSE PILLS, EVEN NOW.
please update soon!

Aww, finally she doesn't push him away. :D

oh yeah she's definitely sorry
SURE. bitch.
I really don't like her.
seriously.
she's pissing the FUCK out of me.
please update soon! (:

Poor Ross, its sad to see him so, depressed.

It's unfair of him to be mad at her for not being pregnant, but I'm so conflicted on how to feel. Ross is dying, but I still hate him. UGH. So many feels.

So, I'm really sorry, but I read your most recent update, and near the end I was really sad and felt really sorry for both of them...and then I read the author's note and couldn't help but laugh. I love this story so much! Update as soon as you can!

I feel so bad for him. He's dying, he wants a family, and she's being kind of selfish for not giving him one.

Poor Ross :(