April 23rd, 2013 at 12:33pm
Facade - Comments
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April 23rd, 2013 at 12:33pm
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April 23rd, 2013 at 12:33pm
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Comment swap made me arrive here. The layout drew me in, the detail put into it is something I could personally never figure out. Aha. But besides that, the mystery that you are drawing out in quite interesting. Not very many people can work out something like this without making it seem unbearable. But you've executed it greatly, kudos to you and I hope this becomes very successful.March 27th, 2013 at 04:14am
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~comment swap~
I never say this often but I'm glad comment swap gave me this story. I really like the layout, I love your descriptions and how everything was put together all very well. It was easy to follow your writing and you had no spelling or grammar mistakes that I could see. You managed to make me want to read and keep reading your story with your work. Keep updating this it was really intriguing.February 22nd, 2013 at 01:24am -
From Julie's Candy Bowl: Wow what a wicked start! It blew me away with all the descriptions and how the sentences were structured. I have to say I'm intrigued. I will definitely read more because so far this story is spell binding and manipulates the reader into wanting to read it. In a good way of course lol. Keep on doing what you're doing. Also I can tell you're a very talented writer. I didn't see any mistakes! Good job!October 29th, 2012 at 11:14pm
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This is so enticing, immediately the description catches the readers eyes and keeps them interested. I know how the character feels (although not about the suspicion) I never thought I could trust anyone then suddenly that changed, your writing skills are a gift from the heavens.October 29th, 2012 at 07:13pm
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This is so beautiful. I love the way you are able to hook people in with the first sentence, which people normally don't. I know exactly what she means when she said "I found it hard to believe in anything anymore. Etc" That whole paragraph explains me perfectly when I lost my mom. So, I love how you were able to grasp that feeling and put it into words.
So far I loved the prologue.
She’d never hugged be since, and rarely before.
Sounds a bit awkward reading it, was wondering if that should be "me"? Or maybe I am just sleepy and the sentence sounds awkward to me.
I really loved this. Though, I haven't gotten far, I will be back to read more. :3 What I did read I enjoyed. Very good job on this.October 29th, 2012 at 06:24pm -
I love, love, love the layout! It's simple and elegant. I love photo manipulations like that.
The summary is really interesting and well written. It's one of those things that pull the reader in.
I've literally had this open, trying to read it when the server crashed and I couldn't move to the prologue. I'll have to finish reading after my class tomorrow. But I'm excited!
Happy haunting~October 29th, 2012 at 05:35am -
I'm here to deliver your Halloween treat! ^^
This story is right up my street, I love this sort of thing! Your summary is really intriguing, and had I stumbled across this on my rounds, I would most certainly have read on. Your layout is really pretty too.
Someone has already said this, but you really do have a way with writing first sentences that hook the reader in. Your description, particularly in the first part of the prologue, is simply breathtaking. I love the way you describe the house, it really is quite clever. You've used quite a clichéd idea for the first part of the first chapter, but it works really well in the context, so kudos on that. You've also managed to write Rachel as a character that everyone can relate to in some way, and I think that adds to the story tremendously. You've also managed to weave a few facts and part of her backstory into the chapter, and I really like how you've done that without overloading it.
I like the contrast that's (maybe not intentionally) been written in the form of the first paragraphs of the first and second half of chapter one. You go from it being really cold to being warm, and the language you use to covey this is fabulous.
All in all, you've written fabulous characters, you've got a great storyline and a lovely writing style. You've definitely got me hooked, more soon, please! :)October 28th, 2012 at 09:45pm -
I really enjoyed the story so far- sorry but I only managed the prologue and chapter one as I've got a ton of Latin homework
But what I have read has been well written and engaging. 'This was an earth full of drugs, wild nights that I never remembered the morning after, strange guys with strange faces, bloody lines against my pale skin.' October 28th, 2012 at 05:23pm -
ring pop~!Layout + Summary I love how simple and haunting the layout for this is. It really seems to set the tone of the story and makes me interested. As for the summary, it does the same. It reminds me of the summaries that can be seen on the back of published works. I love how you set up enough information for me to know what will be going on, but you still didn't give too much away.
Prologue. Can I just say that I love the fact that Rachel didn't find her mother? I don't know how many stories I have read online that introduces a death with the child finding their parent or loved one. So far this story has expressed the tragic feels that happens to people, regardless if they found them or not. I can relate to Rachel in the non-social aspect. Reading how the house is kept actually reminds me so much of myself and our family. Throughout the prologue I have been asking myself how this will all relate to the description in the summary. It has kept me interested to read on.
Chapter 1 Part 1. The first thing I would like to point out is a tiny mistake in the second paragraph, last sentence. Be should be me. Again, Rachel is so much like myself, it's almost scary. It's a nice change to read something with characters that have dynamics to them. I also like the fact that you didn't really describe her appearance until now, and you did it in a rather subtle way. So far I like Joey. He seems nice and he seems like he's trying, though I can almost feel the awkwardness of it being so long without really speaking.
Chapter 1 Part 2. I would die if I was in this situation. Everything is so awkward. I can picture perfectly what everything and everyone looks like. The house seems lovely and I can tell the family can be a good one, but the circumstances and situation is just plain awkward for them. I actually love this though. I would have hated to see a wife that was happy to have a half-daughter and a son that was ecstatic to learn he wasn't an only child. The banter between Rachel and Riley was my favorite part of the chapter. It was a good source of realism. I think I might end up with a crush on Riley. His attitude and looks...
Chapter 2 Part 1. Yeah. I like Riley. He's my new favorite character. He is such a typical, annoying, ass-wipe of a boy that I adore him. The chapter really picked up when she found her car. I wasn't too surprised. I instantly had a feeling that someone would give her trouble about being there. Although, Riley's words are really confusing me now. The town isn't that nice of a place? It seems so quant and cute and homey. To say the least, I'm anxious to see what happens next. I'll be subscribing and reading along with the new updates. c:October 27th, 2012 at 02:49am -
I'm here for your candy bowl request! Sorry it took me so long to drop you a comment... *headdesk*
I seriously love your layout. It's simple and haunting at the same time. Your way of writing is pretty fluid; not choppy at all. I've currently read your prologue and the first chapter, so please right me if I get some parts wrong. Am I right to say that the woman who committed suicide was her mother?
The way you describe Rachel's relationship with her father reminds me of my own relationship with my biological father, whom I only met after I turned 25. I can pretty relate to Rachel in this case.
I'm going to give my comments on the first two chapters only as I'll be reading more of it later. Your story will be featured in my blog, which I will write in between 28-31, so do keep a lookout for it. And of course, you've done a good job in this as I really like your writing style. :))October 25th, 2012 at 09:02pm -
You're just a very talented writer! :)
I love how much flow your paragraphs seem to have and how they can really catch the reader's attention. I really like how you described the living situation, I could totally envision it in my mind! The mystery of this entire story really captures the reader's eye and I find that I can't take my eyes off the screen! :)
Great, great job on this story!!
October 19th, 2012 at 03:45am -
Pan de muerto:
Layout
Let me first comment on the banner; it is absolutely gorgeous. I love it that you chose a black and white picture so that the layout as a whole isn’t saturated with colors; it is simple and beautiful.
Title
The title doesn’t compel anything to me… yet. I’ve barely read the first chapter, so this has a lot to do with it. It is simple, though, which makes it easy for me to remember it.
Content – Prologue
As stated on my candy bowl, I read one chapter from your story.
You have a very interesting writing style that works nicely with the first person narration. It allows us to see only from her perspective, only her thoughts, only her struggles, which lets us focus on her, on only her and her story.
The plot is very interesting and intriguing. I really like stories that center around crimes, which makes this one incredibly interesting, especially starting with a troubled character that will have to face even more obstacles as she is sent away from her issues. This lives an incredible amount of space for character development, which I’m glad you had set up in order to make this character a well-rounded one.
As for your descriptions, I really liked how you described the house in which she lived in to demonstrate her mother’s depression; it reflects perfectly with one another, how the house is unattended, unkept, much like people with depression tend to neglect their own self image and things that once were important to them. I really loved this contrast.
Grammar-wise, I had some issues with a few run-on sentences and comma splices. Let me just point some of them; they take away from the flow of the story and may throw off the reader.
I was at school when it happened, and if the timings I was given were right it took place in the middle of my biology class.
Here, the comma after “happened” is not necessary; since you are not listing things and the two sentences separated by the comma are linked to one another, the comma is unnecessary. Now, the comma can be actually placed after “were right”; the two sentences here can be linked by a comma since the starting word of one of the sentences is “if”.
Example,
I wasn’t aware of where I was and if I could just remember what had happened last night, I would probably be feeling less frustrated.
This is the only thing I recommend revising with a beta (because sometimes we just get too used to reading our own writing that we don’t see any errors in it).
Other than that, grammar wise, I found it intact.
Overall
I am intrigued by your story; the first chapter was incredibly well-written (aside from minor mistakes) and sounds mysterious enough to pull in the reader. The layout is lovely and alluring, as well as it fits with the plot itself.October 16th, 2012 at 06:28am -
I am in love with this story! Thank you for requesting it :)
The story is so well written, absolutely beautiful. It flows so well and your word choice and sentence structure is brilliant. I absolutely love Rachel's character, as well.
Subscribed to this one :) Great job and keep up the good work. Can't wait for more.October 15th, 2012 at 05:58pm -
You really have a way with first sentences. I've only read the first two chapters so far, but I'm definitely going to be reading the rest very soon. In both of the chapters, the first sentences got me super excited to read the rest of it, which is awesome.
You have a very poetic writing style, which is lovely. Everything flows together very well and nothing seems choppy or out of place. I love your characterization as well. You explained her grandmother incredibly well even though she isn't mentioned a whole lot and I love Rachel's personality. You can tell that she's hurt and cynical, but you've written it in a way that I can't help but like her.
And now, since everything is so awesome, I'm going to get nit picky on you, aha.
...but it was still painful. I’d always sucked at goodbye’s.
"Goodbyes" shouldn't have an apostrophe, because it isn't possessive.
She’d never hugged be since, and rarely before.
"Be" should be "me".
as the bag was slowly but surely cutting off circulation to my had
"Had" should be "hand".
Overall, this is such a lovely story and I'm super excited to read the rest!October 14th, 2012 at 08:50pm -
I definitely agree with the user below me. The entire story is beautifully written, and in such a poetic style, too. Your use of imagery is wonderful - some of the best I've seen! I think this story has so much potential. The layout is amazing, too, and the vibe that comes from it fits all the pieces together and completes the story well. Your grammar and spelling is flawless, and the plotline is unique and so exciting. Keep me updated!October 14th, 2012 at 05:23pm
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Hi there!
I love the way this starts - definite attention grabber.
There's a great imagery in this piece - but the mess had a way of creeping up on top of me..., sticking my head in the sand seemed like a much better alternative to facing reality and everything that it entailed being two of my favorites.
...the coward['s] way out.
I'm not a writer that leads with a ton of description like this, and usually I can't stand to read it, but here it really works. There's a flow to it, and an easiness that I can get through it and enjoy it at the same time.
The writing has a poetic vibe to it, and is written in such a beautiful way.
The MC has a very clear voice in this, which I love, along with a bluntness that really works with this.
Over all, the start to this is great. I can't wait to see how this unravels and who her father is!
Great job with this and happy writing!
xxx BeeOctober 14th, 2012 at 01:56am -
For your Dum Dum:
The first sentence. Can I just say that oh my goodness, chills? It's completely bone chilling and completely numbing.
Second, Rachel is stellar. She's such a strong character and i really love her. She's fabulous. She's unique and strong and amazing. I really love it.
Your characters. Goodness, your writing is amazing. I love every part of this story so much, it's beautiful! I'm very glad that you asked for a dum dum on this story because this is beautiful. You should be published.October 14th, 2012 at 01:25am
To start off, you have a lot of potential in your writing style as you’re able to capture the voice of your protagonist, although, to me, she seems a little flat, if full of angst.
There were a few things that stood out to me while reading that I felt needed to be noted.
In chapter one you say she snorts a ‘sort of thankyou’ to her Dad, which, fair enough, I can see what you’re trying to say but she either thanked him or she didn’t. I’ve done it before too and had it pointed out so that’s why it was glaring out at me.
Chapter 3 – How could she tell the colour of Beth’s eyes if she had her back to them? And also, “She had ginger hair and small eyes green eyes.” You need a semi colon between “eyes” and “green” there.
You made a point in Chapter two of saying her mother and everyone on maternal side of the family didn’t have green eyes, so that your protagonist had to have inherited her eyes from her dad yet in chapter three you say her mother has green eyes.
That aside, you do have the beginnings of a really good story forming and your descriptions of the scenery are pretty nicely done too. I’m assuming the story of how her parent’s met will come in later chapters as that’s something I’d like to see how it feeds into the story.
EDIT: My comment got posted three times for some reason. I tried to get rid of them below but not sure how well that worked. Apologies!