Crossroads - Comments

Comment Swap!
So I didn't love the idea of the batman fan-fic but the idea of the story was really intriguing so I gave it a try and surprise surprise. You're a pretty good writer, a lot better then myself in my mind. But anyways, you have like. More then a talent. I'd dare even call it a gift. Please continue being perfect.

I love this last chapter. Bruce is so cute in this story, I just love it. He's so scared of her, even if he is Batman and fights criminals for a living! I can't wait to see where this story goes, I think it's going to be interesting, her following the dark path while living under Bruce's roof. Great job!

In the first paragraph, I'm pretty sure you meant to say 'insomnia' instead of 'amnesia.'

But now I'm curious as to how she's going to meet dear Joker.

Comment Swap brought me here :)
I agree that the summery is a little too long but besides that I loved what I read. The depth that you went into with this story is amazing. You have a talent for writing. The first sentence was certainly a hook and made me interested immediately.
Keep up the awesome work!

You have an amazing writing style, how you describe detail most wouldn't think of is an added bonus!!!! Keep writing! You have an amazing way of devloping your character, you have a way of knowing where you want her to go, but you leave it to be a mystery. I don't normally get very onto any batman fics, but this one looks promising. I'll be back to read when more us put up :) but please keep writing because you do it wonderfully.

So, I'm not really a big fan of Batman or of fanfiction, but I must say this story is written very well. The summary caught my attention, although I did notice you jumped a little from past tense to present tense which you should just be careful with. I like how the first chapter starts off, as it makes you want to keep reading. I love your writing style, and yeah... just, good job and keep on writing :)

First impressions is that the summary is too long. A summary is a little taster of things to come, something inciting for your readers to latch on to. Perhaps shortening it to something a little more snappy will help.

Hey, The Joker can never resist a challenge. Hayley can never resist a puzzle. would work better as one sentence rather than two. e.g. 'Hey, The Joker can never resist a challenge, and Hayley can never resist a puzzle.' I also feel something akin to 'and Hayley's never been able to resist a puzzle.' would flow slightly better, as repetition in this case is more tedious than effective.

You need to space out the first and second paragraph (:

him a man, but a monster: enjoyed attacking I've noticed your very fond of colons and have a habit of forsaking other grammar in favour of them. Your other colon 'mistakes' are grammatically debatble so I've let them be but this ones should be a comma. 'but a monster' needs a comma on each side, as it's a slight diversion from the general subject. E.g. the monster, huge in the tepid slums, reared its head. . Not an amazing example, but an example nonetheless.

Gotham: human beings, colon would be more suited for a full-stop. obvious frustration: if she lived again, another colon better suited to a full-stop. Try developing this a little to make sense as a separate sentence, however. people: so, with a colon better replaced with a comma, so is a slight digression.

Remember to space out all separate paragraphs, I've noticed a few together.

(Which was totally inappropriate, but never mind). a little too happy for the previous theme. Perhaps something a little more down and defiantly without 'never mind'. It tends to be quite a flippant statement in the context and throws the atmosphere.

took up an unusual two pages: it was in black and white: although the lack of colour didn’t deduct from the garish, gruesome clown makeup The Joker had painted onto his face. This actually doesn't make sense (': I understand what you're trying to say but it took me a few moments to re-arrange the sentence to do this. Your incorrect use of colons is one of the confusing notions in this.
Some along the lines of 'took up an unusual two pages, it was in the black and white although the lack of colour didn't deduct from the garish, and displayed The Joker, gruesome clown paint adorning his face Obviously not word for word but it really is a sentence that needs to be substituted.

Hayley could faintly make out you are actually referring to this as a past tense memory of what she read earlier, but are taking the view as someone outside of the plot. Something that suggests you can faintly make out this part would be correct rather from Hayley's perspective as she is walking and not looking at the paper. You could also make it clear that Hayley made this out earlier when she read it. Unless of course, Hayley is reading the paper while walking; something you haven't actually said. So far I've been given the impression she is holding the paper and not reading it, hence this confusion. Clarify what the characters positions are to avoid reader confusion.

Also, newspapers cannot show 'gore' or excessively inappropriate images, so the dead man with a hole in his head wouldn't actually be seen in the picture.

I see what you did the with the comment and I appreciate the effort in trying to build depth, but something I would find more effective is a description that suggests attraction but doesn't actually state it. Such as 'high cheekbones', 'well defined jaw' etc. When you find someone attractive, mentally you are very free about this fact and usually aren't in denial until someone brings it up, so I feel she'd acknowledge her attraction and dismiss it as 'usual thoughts'. Hence suggesting attraction rather than stating tends to be more realistic (:

I know this all seems a little negative but I promise it's only meant to help. This is a good story so far and your descriptions are a damn sight better than other work I've seen on this site, but a little tweaking punctuation and reality wise wouldn't go amiss c: Now, if you feel you need a beta feel free to message me and I'll gladly take time to edit through your work and help you to develop; you honestly have a lot of potential c: Don't let this get you down (I promise I'm not a bitch) and most importantly keep writing <3

This is really good! You have an incredible writing style, and writing about Batman was an awesome idea! Your character Hayley, so far, has proved to be very well written and descriptive- almost as if this was going to be in a book of Gotham City Stories (somebody should definitely do that). The story's amazing!

This seems to be a very good story. You are really good at writing and being descriptive. You describe everything well enough that I can picture it in my mind which is pretty awesome. You don't have grammar or spelling mistakes (at least none that I caught) which is really good. I also love how you have longish chapters, but not where they are extremely long. Very long chapters suck because if you need a break you have to find where you are in the chapter instead of just starting a new chapter. It is also not short enough chapters that you can read within a minute. Also I love the layout. :) (Sorry for the suckish comment. I actually suck at leaving comments.) I have never read any of your other stories, but I am pretty sure you will do a wonderful job on this story from what I read so far. I know how it is to write fan-fictions and get into that person’s character, especially multiple characters. I know you can do it! You are a much better writer than I am, so it is possible. I will look forward to seeing updates to this (that is if I come on Mibba more.)

This looks like it's going to be a very good story, and it already is, actually. I adore the layout, the gif of Heath is adorable. I find the love/hate relationship between Bruce and Hayley pretty cute actually, kind of daughter/father if not for the whole 'arm candy' thing, haha. Awesome job! I didn't see any grammar mistakes or anything, which is great. I can't wait to see where this goes!

Oh she knows the secret behind batty!

I like this story, can't wait to read more update as soon as u can :)

I certainly enjoyed the beginning of this. I like that she's ticked off at Bruce and somewhat interested with The Joker, even if she does feel somewhat guilty about it. It's different from a lot of Gotham stories around here. I'm excited to see what follows.