Sinister Eyes - Comments

Comment swap~
You have an excellent premise here. I'm interested in the world that this all takes place in, and the idea of young people being forced into an army has been done well before.

Now, my issues.

This is written in first person, so Rayson shouldn't be aware of what other people are feeling like he is. The pacing is a little off, and it lacks a certain emotional depth. It reads like a first draft. I would recommend making some revisions and handing it off to a beta reader, because I really like the idea, and I want to like this story.

When I first clicked on this, I thought "Wow I won't enjoy this one". I was wrong! The characters do lack the emotional depth, but that can easily be fixed. They do have emotions but they don't seem to linger long at all. Rayson and the other characters have a good development throughout the ten chapters (hope there is more). The character descriptions painted a clear picture in my head. There were a few parts that made me yawn but overall it is an interesting read.

I would recommend going through and revamping it. Perhaps going over grammar and adding more depth to the plot and characters. I have subscribed and look forward to more great things from you!

It seems good so far, not the usual story I would read. The characters lack a little bit of emotional depth, for example when their friend died it seemed as if it was nothing, and the way they got tattoos seemed rather nonchalant even though its permanent. There's a few grammatical errors here and there but nothing serious. Sometimes you seem to use the wrong word to fit the situation, for example you said that he "pushed him towards me.", which doesn't really make sense as pushing implies being moved further away, not closer.

I couldn't read much into the story, I didn't find it to my liking but apart from that I think the plot holds potential and you are very good at creating tension within the reader through the cliff hangers. Maybe read over your work a couple of times after you write a chapter to see any mistakes or if something doesn't sound completely right. It helps if you read your chapter out loud as its easy to spot things which are not right.

It seems good so far, not the usual story I would read. The characters lack a little bit of emotional depth, for example when their friend died it seemed as if it was nothing, and the way they got tattoos seemed rather nonchalant even though its permanent. There's a few grammatical errors here and there but nothing serious. Sometimes you seem to use the wrong word to fit the situation, for example you said that he "pushed him towards me.", which doesn't really make sense as pushing implies being moved further away, not closer.

I couldn't read much into the story, I didn't find it to my liking but apart from that I think the plot holds potential and you are very good at creating tension within the reader through the cliff hangers. Maybe read over your work a couple of times after you write a chapter to see any mistakes or if something doesn't sound completely right. It helps if you read your chapter out loud as its easy to spot things which are not right.

I loved it. It was written beautifully, I love the way you write the description is really great. But there are a few grammar mistakes. You wrote in the first chapter "I smiled and have her my best smile." The whole sentence doesn't fit. I think you meant gave not have but you still used two ways of smiling in the same sentience. I have subscripted :)

-Comment swap-

I really liked reading this story, it was really interesting. I liked your layout a lot, too. I'm a sucker for swirly images I just keep tracing my fingers over them... Spelling and grammar was near perfect, so I suggest doing a quick read-through before you post the chapter. As for the writing style, I really liked it. I do think there could be a little more description and a little less dialogue, but it's nothing too serious. Good job ^_^

Comment swap:

I wish I could continue reading through this completely but from what I've read, you're on a great track and it sounds great. I did see some minor grammatical errors and a few places where the word structure in the sentences didn't quite make sense, so I suggest reading it out loud and double checking yourself before posting. Other than that, this is really good, keep it up

Comment swap ~

Oh...wow. I'm actually kind of speechless. The story seems to have a Hunger Games background feel to it. You give enough details and your imagery is perfect. Your layout isn't bad at all, it was easy for me to read and I did enjoy your story. I saw a couple of grammatical errors, but nothing too big. I've already recommended it, and I plan on subscribing.

Hi, I'm from comment swap c: First off I would like to say the layout is really nice. It stands out without being too busy. Also, I love this story so far. It's got a Hunger Games / Battle Royale feel to it already. Your use of detail and imagery is incredible. There are a few grammatical errors throughout the story but nothing major. I'm definitely recommending and subscribing. Can't wait to see what's next c:

I LOVE COMMENT SWAP!!! I found your story through comment swap and i have to say your story is amazing. Your story is very original and i just love the whole idea of it, i was hooked from the first line. i will definitely be recommending and subscribing to this. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE update it soon i'm desperate to know whats going to happen next. the layout was great and doesn't need changing. i also loved the background picture, it was interesting and i felt it still keeping to the theme and mood of the story which was great. the only thing i would say is that they're seems to be very little description of the characters and i found myself struggling to picture them. i really like the academy and war background to the story and i really hope Rayson and Elaine get together. i'm also want to know what the cross is about with regards to the tattoo and murder. overall amazing, please update soon.

I was brought here by comment swap, just so you know~

Like a few comments before me said; I think the layout is great the way it is :) It's not clashing or too busy & it fits the story. I wouldn't change it, it's great the way it is.

Your imagery is great, you're describing the settings without overdoing it. I've noticed a lot of people don't know how to get the right balance between the two. And the story idea is definitely original, completely unlike anything else I've read on this site. You are a great writer, keep up the good work! I'll definitely be recommending.

The only thing I would work on are the words you're using to describe certain things & this could be just be me being picky, as I tend to do that lol. But things like " inhaling a deep breath" sound awkward [in my opinion]. Try "taking in a deep breath" or "drawing in deeply" ; that kind of thing. And "really light with a hint of tan" Instead of really, try very. Really is more suitable as an adverb; in my opinion.

But other than things like that; great story :) You're a very good writer~

i was brought here by comment swap!

to start off, i know it says at the top that you're still working on the story layout, but to be honest, i feel like what you have now just works. i really like the color scheme, because it's sort of melancholy and dark, and that seems to fit the overall mood of the story. the only thing i might change, though, is the size of the story area. i'd probably make it a bit smaller, just so the background can be seen easier. i can't see it too well, but it looks interesting, and i'd like to be able to see it better. :)

moving on. something that i thought was rather cool was that, just by reading the summary, i could tell this was a very different kind of story. i love the futuristic element and how you've portrayed how much things have changed. it's very intriguing.

i'm also really enjoying the character development and the realism behind everything. i can envision the whole story in my mind, and that's a great trait to have as a writer.

this seems like a very promising piece, and i could definitely picture myself picking it up if i saw it on a book shelf. great job!

@ insidethedevilseyes
Thank you! I noticed a lot of stories lacked description of characters and I was just curious as to how they would look. So it was a main plan to add descriptions to these characters. Once again, thank you! Glad you enjoy it. :)

I'm enjoying this story quite a lot. The title had drawn me into reading this story. Although I found this story through comment swap, I was intrigued a lot by the title. The one thing I love the most is how you give a good description of all the characters. I can definitely picture this story so far in my head, and I love it!

wow..ok well I kind of read through it all and it definitely seems different. Seriously. I could picture this as a movie or something. I like how realistic everything appears. I have a friend who finished the Military Academy and they are really harsh...it's a good plot you have and it intrigues the reader. i like it :)

@ Broken_Bri
Don't give away who it is lol but glad you like Scar :)

I so love scar >.> cant wait to see her and needles together wonder what shes gonna do to him if she did that to elrick

@ nostalgicnaga
Nah don't feel like that, it just tells me you enjoy it! Thats how I planned to make Susan haha she's an interesting character.

i feel like a whore writing yet anpther comment but i liked ch.3 the fighting and the tention and emotions is pure dude, i reeally dont like susan though i mean who would shes a jerk face haha

@ andy_girl
Thank you for reading! Hope you will enjoy the rest! :)