Kiss of Death - Comments

This is awesome! I like how you have just enough description to keep me interested, but you don't have too much. I like it.

I'll stay tuned for more. :)

This is awesome! I like how you have just enough description to keep me interested, but you don't have too much. I like it.

I'll stay tuned for more. :)

So, honestly I have never read/seen or even been interested in reading/seeing Hunger Games. With that being said, you are an awesome writer just need a little work on the punctuation but I'm not going to repeat what you've already heard :D I love the characters (I adore the name Scout, by the way). I think this is going to be an awesome story.

I loved this! This comment may be a bit biased since I absolutely adore The Hunger Games, but your spin on this is extremely original and you truly took the story line and made it your own. I felt that you had the perfect balance of details and plot to keep the readers interested. This story is only 1 chapter and I am already hooked. I just subscribed and I can't wait for your upcoming chapters :)

I love hunger games, okay? So when you give me this I was like yeahyeahyeahyeah!!! Hahah this is an A+ story and I love it so much that I will probably save this in my reading lists!! I love scout's character and how you portray the plot so well makes me want to read it evn more! (:

Why must other people get all the corrections before me?!

Anyways, my comment would be the same as the others... so yeah. I can't comment about the characters and plot yet because it's just one chapter but I love your description and details.

I don't read Hunger Games fanfics nor have I read the books so I don't know what's going on.

Overall, it's a good read for something with one chapter. I would like to see more but I'm afraid that I won't know anything going on because I haven't read the Hunger Games and I don't really like it.

Okay, guess I cheated on your treat. XD Cause I actually read and recced this story a few days ago, but oh well.

I really love your detailing on this, and I am a major Hunger Games fan so whenever I see a fan fic about it, I freak out. And this one is just amazeballs. I just love it and can't wait for more. c:

Hi there.

Some things as I was reading:
[] - Add
{} - Remove

Scout smiled at her[.] "..." >> The lead up to dialogue should end in a period.

Scout shook her head[.] "..."

You oughta run off and see if you can find Reed," Mrs. Walker said[.] "..." >> Here, since the next quote is starting with an uppercase, there should be a period rather than a comma.

There are quite a few of these instances throughout the first chapter, so I'll stop mentioning them. Here's a tutorial that talks about the lead up and gives an example about it.

17 >> Seventeen. Write out numbers.

So I'm not positive on this one, but reading through, "How were the woods?" sounds a little funny. I think it may be, "How was the woods?" But I'm not 100%.

"So[,] [Dad]..." Since Scout is addressing her father, there has to be a comma before his name. Also, since the word "Dad" is acting as a Proper Noun, it should be capitalized.

WRITING

I noticed some redundancy with a couple phrases close to each other, and also some unneeded sentences.

She smiled and tied her arms around his neck. Her feet landed gently back on the ground as Ash smiled in front of her.

He pulled away and smiled. The light kiss he placed on her lips lightened her mood significantly, and she smiled up at him.

For the smiles, you could use grin, smirk, beam...

For the light(ened): Soft kiss, gentle kiss...

An easy way to get rid of these are just by going through and reading it again. I know I miss tons of them when I'm writing the story, but when I glance over the chapter again, I find all those pesky repeats.

For the unneeded statements:

picking up the girl in her arms. I don't know why this reads funny to me, but it does. You could just simplify it to, "picking the girl up." Because with the "in her arms" it insinuates that Scout's already holding her, so why would she be picking her up, you know?

They walked to a cabin far to the left and entered, Maven pushing her way through the door. Here, you can removed "entered." They walked to a cabin far to the left, and Maven pushed her way through the door. Entering and pushing through the door is pretty much the same thing, so you only need one.

The dialogue is pretty good, too. The formatting needs a little work with the commas vs. periods, but other than that everything looks good. The realistic nature is there, too. The conversations don't feel strained or robotic, but have a rather nice flow to them.

The one thing I noticed with the dialogue was this: “So, dad. How about we go out and you can teach me how to throw an axe?” >> It feels a little out of the blue. I know that Ash mentioned her being too weak to hold the axe, but if you show Scout's train of thought, it might jive a little better.

CHARACTERS

Being that it's just the first chapter, the characters are pretty good for just coming out the gates.

None of the characters blur together, though I think adding a little dialogue for Maven might help. Right now, she kind of just feels like a tool to get Scout to the Walker's home.

I'm sensing a little friction between Reed and Ash, and I'll be real: I like Reed better, haha. Being that this is a fanfiction, I would like to warn you against the love-triangle thing. Since Suzanne Collins did it already, I'd recommend staying away from it to keep from them becoming too similar. But that's just my two cents (;

OVER ALL

The only thing that you really have to do is work on the punctuation, because everything else is great. The characters seem like they'll develop well throughout the story, and I'm interested to see who will get thrown into the Arena and how the story will unfold with that added in.

Great job with this and happy writing!

xxx Bee

Totally love this! You have awesome description and dialogue, and I actually cannot wait to read more. District 7 has always intrigued me and now I'm going to get to read about it, so I'm glad! This was perfect!

I haven't read it yet...too much going on, so I apologize about that, but it looks great!! I love the Hunger Games!

May the odds be ever in your favor!!

Yay Hunger Games! Aha, Scout seems to be a popular name in Hunger Games fan fiction, although usually it's the boy's name and not the girl's.

I feel like you've got a bit of a love triangle going on already, although I could be wrong. I'm excited to see what happens with your characters, though. I feel like lots of HG stories make their characters too much like the ones in the original series, but you've done a good job of making them unique. I also like that you set it in a district that isn't 12.

“Speak of the President,” Reed said, turning away from Scout
Ah, I loved that line, it was awesome.

Anyways, I'm super excited to see what happens in the next few chapters!

So I've yet to find a well written, good Hunger Games fic until now. You're a fabulous writer so it was obvious it was going to be amazing before I even started reading it.

Something I've seen people do is make their characters too much like Katniss or Peeta but you didn't seem to do that. Reed and Scout seem to both be unique and original characters. Same goes for Ash.

For the layout, I love it. It's neat and simple but also complex, with the way the background is, if that makes sense, haha. This overall just looks like it's going to be amazing. Keep it up!

This is great! I love it! Update soon please?

Layout and picture/banner are awesome! The story seems really different and I congratulate you about that! I know it's really difficult to write a story that is different from the others out there. Great job love!

SCOUT, ahahaha, Mockingbird, close enough.
So imagine my surprise when it was a story I would actually be interested in.
This makes the third story I've read with a Scout in it.
TKAM, Sous la Pluie by my friend Shaye, and this.
~
Sounding pretty great so far!

I love the layout!
Your characters pull me in.
Overall, This is really good!(:

To start off with, a Hunger Games fic? YES YES YES. And an amazing layout to go along with it? YES x100.

I'm really liking the characters you've chosen for this; particularly Scout. I'm intrigued to see what happens in this little triangle you seem to be drawing for us. Ash is Scout's boyfriend, but I sense a little connection between her and Reed, also. I may be wrong, but that's just the vibe I'm getting. I like him a bit more than Ash, to be perfectly honest. When he made that statement about girls staying in to clean while the men work, I was like ", SCOUT PUNCH HIM." Haha.

Just a little side note, I found one mistake you may want to fix. In this sentence:

Scout knew Reed wanted to say in school, but he was the best chopper in the district.

I'm thinking say should be stay, right? Just letting you know. That's the only constructive criticism I have. :)

I'm really excited to see where you take this, so I'll definitely be subscribing. Please update soon!

First, before I get to the story itself, I just wanted to say that I absolutely adore your layout for this story.

When I clicked on this to read I was dreading it a little, I’ll be honest, but only because when I read The Hunger Games I really didn’t enjoy all that much. But you have such a lovely writing style, it’s beautifully descriptive and really paints the picture of what’s going on. I found myself getting a little lost in your story, actually, seeing the whole thing unfold like it was a movie. I love it when I can picture things clearly like that.

The names you chose for your characters are so unique, it’s not really something I’ve encountered all that often. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen or heard the name Maven used before but I love it. And the name Scout for a girl took me back to my favorite book, To Kill A Mockingbird; big points for that.

Even though his appearance wasn’t too big in this first chapter I really liked Reed and as soon as he was leaving I wanted to reach out and grab him to stay. No! Don’t go! And then Ash showed up.

“Ah yes,” Ash said, “You girls get to stay inside and clean while the men do the real work.”

I could have strangled him. By default, I already hate him. I was practically fist pumping for Scout when she glared at him and set him straight. Guys like Ash are no good. I almost found myself wishing she had used the axe she took from him to cut a finger off. Bam! Girl power. Being all like, ‘oh I can’t wield an axe?!’, take that! Yeah, okay, I need to get some caffeine I’m sounding a little loopy.

Anyhow, I really loved this first chapter and I’m glad you asked for some snickers on it because otherwise I might not have checked it out. I’m really excited to see where you’re going to take it and I’ve got a few questions so you can bet I’ll be subscribing and reading it every time you update. Speaking of updates, how about you update soon?!