Bay Boy - Comments

I've been brought here by Comment Swap :)
I really liked this, to be honest. I'm not all that big on sports, but It was interesting. c:
The layout, I noticed, was the original Mibba layout without a background. I think you should change it up a bit, and make the layout unique. I like looking at them. c:
Spacing should probably be addressed, but it looks like someone already has.
I won't say too much, because I really believe that you should write for your own entertainment and pleasure, not anyone else's.
Anyways, keep up the good work! I really did like this. I strongly encourage you to continue writing, because I'll defiantly be subscribing! <3

Once again, write for your OWN entertainment. Don't let any of the comments, including mine, change your perspective on this story, or where it's going. Write what you want to the way you want to. c:

Stay Beautiful xxx

I've been brought here by Comment Swap :)
I really liked this, to be honest. I'm not all that big on sports, but It was interesting. c:
The layout, I noticed, was the original Mibba layout without a background. I think you should change it up a bit, and make the layout unique. I like looking at them. c:
Spacing should probably be addressed, but it looks like someone already has.
I won't say too much, because I really believe that you should write for your own entertainment and pleasure, not anyone else's.
Anyways, keep up the good work! I really did like this. I strongly encourage you to continue writing, because I'll defiantly be subscribing! <3

Once again, write for your OWN entertainment. Don't let any of the comments, including mine, change your perspective on this story, or where it's going. Write what you want to the way you want to. c:

Stay Beautiful xxx

I'm a big hockey fan so this story immediately piqued my interest! I feel like you've gotten into a good groove and the story is becoming more and more engrossing. I noticed that this may be your first post and I'm very familiar with the painstakingly difficult process of starting a new story. I think you've got a great thing going and I can't wait to continue reading! Keep up the good work!

This seems like a good story, but it needs some work. The beginning didn't really draw me in, and the constant long paragraphs were quite hard to get through. You also need to go through and edit this as the format is incorrect.

For example: I'd been born in Moscow and at the time of my birth my mom hadn't even been an American citizen. "Hey, I'm injured, you're not allowed to make fun of my country!" Canada boy smirked. "I'm not making fun of it, I'm just saying Canadians are clearly superior. We don't get nose bleeds."

Should be:

I'd been born in Moscow and at the time of my birth my mom hadn't even been an American citizen.

"Hey, I'm injured, you're not allowed to make fun of my country!"

Canada boy smirked. "I'm not making fun of it, I'm just saying Canadians are clearly superior. We don't get nose bleeds."

When a new person starts talking, you need to take a new line and make sure that you double space the paragraphs. I suggest getting a beta reader or an editor to look over this for you.

The first thing I will commend you on is being realistic. Since her father didn't grow up in France, it's nice to see him struggling with the language, whereas some writers make their main characters have a universal tongue, even though it's not something that happens often.

Another thing I noticed is how much description you put into every chapter. It is something I really like in stories, and helps me (and other readers) visualize the story as they read it. I also thought, while reading the first chapter, how risking it was to make the main character 21, but I think you really pulled it off. I think making her 21, and moving to another town with her dad kind of shows how much she wants to be with her father, and doesn't really want to be that far away from him, but that's just what I got out of it.

Just to let you know. I'm not a fan of fan fiction, whatsoever but this captured my attention pretty well. I'm still not sure if it was the plot line or your writing style.. either way. It's great c:

I really like your style, you're very realistic with what you write and I like how you made the character have a problem with her French, you've got a lot of detail in what you write which gives a lot of length (it can scare some people away from reading things but it's all in the quality). You've got some really impressive writing skills and I like how you didn't use anything to make the language perfect. Awesome man, keep it up.

The first thing I will commend you on is being realistic. Since her father didn't grow up in France, it's nice to see him struggling with the language, whereas some writers make their main characters have a universal tongue, even though it's not something that happens often.

You've got plenty of detail, which gives excellent length to your writing as well as sets the mood nicely. I adore the relationship with her father. Too many stories include bad relationships with their parents and it's nice to see a refreshing contrast.

One critique I have is that, reading through the first chapter, it sort of drags. I love getting the background, but she's dwelling so much on her past that it gets a little tedious. Also, I'm nearly at the end and still wondering what the plot could be, other than being in a new environment.

I'm so glad you didn't use the Rosetta Stone to provide your main character with perfect French. This brings me back around to my first point, impressing me once again with your realistic details.

Once she got to school, it picked up in an excellent way, but then it began to feel a little rushed. I was always taught that when a new speaker is talking, you make a new paragraph, so that's a suggestion seeing as how I tend to get lost in the long paragraphs at times.

It's a promising beginning, leaving the reader- myself- intrigued and curious to see what happens between Canada Boy Jordan and Milena, and this is coming from someone who has no clue about anything related to hockey. You're a wonderful writer, however, and I honestly do mean that. I wish you good luck on this adventure!

I think the first thing I noticed after clicking on the first chapter was that the paragraphs were kind of long. I would suggest breaking up the paragraphs; there seemed to be many ideas that could be seperated out into their own paragraphs. I also noticed the lack of space between some paragraphs. I know others have mentioned it before, but it can be distracting to the reader.

Another thing I noticed is how much description you put into every chapter. It is something I really like in stories, and helps me (and other readers) visualize the story as they read it. I also thought, while reading the first chapter, how risking it was to make the main character 21, but I think you really pulled it off. I think making her 21, and moving to another town with her dad kind of shows how much she wants to be with her father, and doesn't really want to be that far away from him, but that's just what I got out of it.

Anyway, this is a really good story. Keep it up!

Comment swap:. Honestly? It's a terrific story...BUT (yeah you kinda figured there was a 'but' huh?) it's hard to read. It's not your writing, NO m'am, it's the layout... it's too blocky. It loses my attention sometimes because I find myself reading the same line twice. The big chunky paragraphs makes it hard to focus. How about cutting them down into smaller, simpler, easier to read? Yeah, I think that would greatly improve everything.

Just to let you know. I'm not a fan of fan fiction, whatsoever but this captured my attention pretty well. I'm still not sure if it was the plot line or your writing style.. either way. It's great (:

Comment swap brought me here!
I think you’re doing a great job with this, I can tell you’re enjoying writing this story and it makes it easier to write and easier for the readers to enjoy it if you’re enjoying it. I think you should space your paragraphs out as you’ve got them in huge chunks which makes it harder to read, especially when you write that the people are talking. I think you’re doing a fantastic job though so other than that keep up with it because it’s brilliant!

i loved this :)

I really like this story :)

Hey!

I think you've heard enough about the power of layouts, so I won't even go there. I'll just stick to the writing itself. So, there are a few little things about your style that I really like. One line in particular caught my eye: "I felt uneasy that transferring my life from D.C to Montreal was as easy as unpacking eleven boxes." I thought that really captured her situation and I love the way you worded it.

Anyway, there is one little thing. In real life, I don't think that the fact that her dad got a job in Canada would be a real cause for her to move with him. It's not like she is legally bound to live with him anymore, she's over 18. I realize, though, that your whole story is basically about the fact that she moved, so maybe I would clarify a fact that she is financially dependant on him or something. If she doesn't have enough money to even rent a room and buy her own food, that would explain the situation a little better (make it more real life) and make her more relatable and easier to sympathize with. It might explain her stress or whatever. I've only read the 1st chapter so I don't know her that well.

Anyway, keep up the good work!

Creating a layout would be a good idea, first off. Even the simplest of layouts can help grab attention. In regards to your actual writing, your descriptions, spelling, and grammar are relatively good, but you need to split up your paragraphs better. Remember, if a new character is speaking, create a new paragraph. Also, when the narrator has a new idea, create a new paragraph. Good luck on future work.

-Joe

Comment swap brought me here! :)
First off, I notice that you should work on how you space out your paragraphs. It just all kind of runs together and is hard to read. But I DO really like your use of detail and imagery. I agree with the comment below me, maybe look into a layout, they just take your story up to that next level :)
Have a lovely day!

First off, I think there should be a layout. It draws readers in not just by personal belief but it's fact. Although it doesn't have pictures, your imagery in the story does give off enough that you can picture the person in your mind, like a true story. I do believe that this is good work and I don't mean to down you on the layout, it's a mere suggestion. There were only a few minor mistakes that can easily be re-read and fixed. Good job, and good luck on future work!

love it as always :)

@ Hockeygirl19
Thanks

@ Katriner
Thanks so much!

I love this story! :)