Brontide - Comments

Uh oh! Chris's double life is catching up with him...! The suspense is going to kill me, I can tell already.

Oh, holy moses that was a helluva kiss! Chris, you're so sexy when you're not being awkward! Rae, you go girl.

Awesome updates! Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this, I've been having a crapload of problems, one thing after another. Anyway, I was excited to see the update, because I've been waiting for it.

Chris is so cute when he's awkward, but it's also a little frustrating. I love how Rae is bold and unafraid to say what is on her mind, even if it's just hinting around. And that kiss...my god, that's what I've been waiting for! But Chris is pissed now, so I'm excited to see how Rae will react to that.

I guess even a date isn't going to keep him from leaving, haha. So glad to see you're getting more readers too! That's exciting!

Fantastic update, as always.

love it! More please

Hi there!

"He's ready," the other, his father, reasoned with the man[.] "He's started his training at a younger age." >> That bit of description should end in a period since it's a complete phrase. With the comma it's a run on.

"I missed one target!" Chris protested, stepping out of a line he had trouble staying behind[.] "..." >> Same thing here.

For more on this, there's this tutorial about the "lead-up," and interim description.

I really liked the first chapter. You do a fantastic job with building the characters, with the descriptions and the dialogue is extremely realistic. I liked the detail that Chris missed one of the dummies - it gives it a more realistic feel, and doesn't make him completely perfect.

The descriptions are just right - not overbearing to the point of annoyance, but just enough to give a really clear image of the scene. For instance, when you mention that the cat has a bald spot. It's not too much that it bores me, but really adds to the setting.

The only thing that I noticed was a a couple slip ups with period vs. comma. Those are super easy fixes though and hardly take away from the actual content.

I'm really excited to see how this will progress and how everyone will develop. :D

Great job with this, I'll definitely be reading more!

xxx Bee

Yes! More Jeremy! <3

To bad Jeremy is gay :( haha

Okay, I changed my mind about the updating thing lol! I love the ending- "Buy the blue dress."

I had to giggle a few times at this. Still, Jeremy is growing on me like poison ivy- I seriously love him. *sigh* Excited to see how Rae and Chris interact at this party- he really is awkward, but it's the endearing kind of awkward. Lol I really don't think you could possibly update this fast enough to suit me, because I just love it that much :D

@ Rat Head
@ simplymineonlyyours

Thank you so much(:

This is quickly becoming my favorite story on Mibba. Your story is the reason I read mostly original fiction here- there are so many good ones that no one bothers to give a second glance to that deserve it. Intriguing update, can't wait for more.

I love this story. I also love your choices in music :)

@ Rat Head
Thank you(:

It made me warm and fuzzy inside when I read the e-mail about the update :)

Perfection, as far as I'm concerned.

@ Rat Head
I'm so glad you like Jeremy-- that made me all warm and fuzzy inside. Because I love him too(:

I absolutely love this! Can't wait for more. I really like the characters so far, very realistic and believable. I like that Chris is an assassin, and the idea that it's a family thing- you especially nailed Jim as the cold, disappointed father figure. Even if Marissa is a whore, she seems to truly care about her brother. I love Jeremy's character- he's absolutely endearing and fun. Rae seems a little unsure of herself as a city girl, something I can relate to, although I've never actually been to NYC (or any city bigger than Baton Rouge for that matter)- I live in a tiny town in Louisiana and thoughts of being in such a busy city make me dizzy lol.

Update soon!

@ TheMommyDiaries
Thanks so much(: I hope we won't disappoint.

Ooooh, an assassin story! Already pulling me in. I love the unusual title and the plot line. I don't like how Chris thinks of his sister as a whore, but who knows, maybe Marissa is a straight up you know what. I like how the first born of every generation is an assassin. Good work, keep it up!