January 3rd, 2014 at 06:46am
My thougjt process during this: Yes, I bite my friends' upper tights as well. This is what friends do.
Oh, okay, not friends. Not friends AT ALL.
He has a girlfriend you skank! And where's Ariel? And they were at it for hours and didn't have sex? Is that humanly possible?
Only one note: If he has a girlfriend, how could they leave it at that sweet note? Does he not feel even slightly guilty? Is he an asshole? He sounds like an asshole. They should definetly talk about that, and Ava should be feeling like shit. LIKE SHIT.
And also, it's been 8 days. More plz.
I liked your title, simple, catchy, pretty good. Your layout was surprisingly good even with the yellow (not a fan of yellow) and I could actually read your text haha great job so far. Now, your tense, I love the third person idea, although you give away too many things. It would be better, I think, to acknowledge in your writing the different details of the characters as your plot goes forward instead of telling us she works there, he does this and so forth. Your begging, I have a problem with this too, is very common. Waking up to some sort of weather outside, try to start off with a sentence that will get readers to think and anticipate the rear of your story. Haha, then awaken your protagonist. I enjoyed your plot a lot actually, your descriptions weren't too much and your character development is good too. Keep it up, good work.