Immortal Kiss - Comments

First of all, I am so sorry it took me this long to give you your Mibbaween treat! :S

Okay, so I absolutely LOVE vampire stories, especially when it's the kind of vampires that are seductive. And boy, is Ophelia good at that part.

I love how the chapters aren't too long and they go straight to the point. Sometimes, I prefer stories to be that way.

I wonder what happened to Vienna? Did she kill herself? Did Ophelia's master get rid of her because of Vienna's way of thinking? Or did she just randomly disappeared? lol

Anyways, great story. Keep up the good work! :)

This is for the "altar de muerto" you requested on my candy bowl.

I'm going to start with my usual comment structure to help me keep on track and organized. So, first, the layout. I am not quite fond of dark layouts and light-colored letters; they tend to hurt my eyes because I cannot focus properly, so I had to click on the default layout in order to be able to read. I know it fits your banner, but I think one of the main things to keep in mind about layouts is that it has to be readable.

On to the content, I thought it was an interesting story, short and to the point. I do like the confidence the main character has, but I feel like the character still has some traits that make her hard to relate to. I think this can be worked on if more character background information is provided, or more interaction between the Master and the main character occurs to reveal the type of relationship that they have and the history behind it.

Grammar-wise, I did not spot any errors or sentence structures that needed to be worked on, so that you're great with.

Overall, I think the story has potential because this does not focus on the typical slave/master stories that are borderline abusive, but rather on the history of these vampires and how these "hierarchies" (if you wish) work between the maker and the newly made vampire.

It's very well written, even if original fiction really isn't my cup of tea

I have no idea if that's what he wants but I can't wait to find out!

I have no idea if that's what he wants but I can't wait to find out!

Mibbaween Treat: I liked how there was no long winded introduction into vampires and mortals and past history bla bla bla. We were thrown right into a scene - which I enjoyed - and were forced to assume certain aspects which made the story all the more interesting in my opinion.

I liked that it wasn't spoon feed to us, that is something a lot of stories do, especially in this genre. So much is given away too soon and I like how there is still mystery surrounding everything. I think it intrigues the reader into continuing to figure out what history there is between characters, especially within the first chapter with Ophelia and her master, I was asking myself how did she end up here and I was intrigued. I usually don't read these types of stories so it was awesome that you managed to keep me interested in something so out of my interest range. Shows your talent as a writer.

You had some AMAZING descriptions, especially the 'burning my throat like bitter whisky' I thought that was amazing.

Overall this seems really promising and I wish you the best of luck with it :)

The chapters of this story are all short and sweet, but they get the point across. I enjoyed reading this immensely. I have to admit though, the banner kinda spooks me. Probably because I'm not using to seeing a pair of lips with bright shimmery lipstick like that. But then again, it's just me. I really like Ophelia's personality and the fact that the name Ophelia comes from my favorite Hamlet character makes me love this story even more. I get quite the spooky vibe from this story, I think you meant for it though.

You did a great job with this story and you describe everything wonderfully. I hope you keep up the great work. I'm definitely subscribing. ^_^

Ophelia's a tidbit timid, but it fits her personality. She's a saint one second and a total monster the next. Maria seems pretty vexated by it. Damian, a very well character and structured nicely -- seems somewhat 'jelly' but it's just me, I guess..

Ophelia's a tidbit timid, but it fits her personality. She's a saint one second and a total monster the next. Maria seems pretty vexated by it. Damian, a very well character and structured nicely -- seems somewhat 'jelly' but it's just me, I guess..

So right away we're thrusted into the vampire world, I like that. Most of the time people take a long time kind of ease into it. You didn't, and I like that.

Ophelia seems to be a bit....bipolar per say? Or maybe that's just within her vampire nature. Either way, once moment she's civil, even sweet, and then another she's angry. I really love the seductive nature that seems to come naturally with her, and I love that Maria finds it disturbing, especially when it's omitted on her.

I love the disgusted--yet seemingly jealous--state that Damian is first introduced in. All in all, the story so far is very well written. My only complaint is that there are a couple grammar mistakes. I've recc'd the story :)

This is a really good vampire story! It's quite different to other ones that I've seen, and it's very well written. I love Ophelia's seductive traits and the way that she smoothly manipulates the humans, the character development is very good there considering that you have short chapters. I have nothing against the short chapters by the way - I think it adds atmosphere to the story.

The only other thing I would say is that I don't find the settings very clear, and there isn't very much description of the surroundings. From time to time, I find it hard to work out exactly where the characters are. I understand why you've done this though; you clearly want to put more focus on the dialogue and emotions than visual appearance. That's fine!

Overall, a really good story! Well done!

I like the concepts of vampires, but I don't like short chapters, they don't keep my attention for a long time. I like how Ophelia was betrayed confident because most female vampires aren't down like that, so I find myself not reading vampire stories as often because of that.

Oh gosh I can only imagine what is going to happen next

I do like rather short chapters that this seems to have. Sometimes they can speak volumes more than longer chapters can because quantity doesn't always equal quality which some authors still haven't grasped. The first chapter was the short, I think, which is a good way to start because I find that not a lot of people like reading a first chapter that is insanely long for some reason.

Vampire stories aren't something that I tend to read because I normally dislike how female vampires are portrayed. So I'm finding myself liking Ophelia because she seems so sure of herself as she's talking to the twins and the others in order to get a feed for her master. She appears to hold herself well through your writing and that's something that I really like within a female character but not a lot of authors tend to do that. It really annoys me when they make the female weak even though they're supposed to be a strong creature, or that they make them just too strong to even be realistic and ruins it before it even begins.

I get a feeling this might go into the actual seducing of Maria? I just checked the info page and I see that it's a femmeslash and NC-17 so I think I assumed right. And going by the title – this is just a guess – but either Maria or the girl Ophelia actually seduces gets turned? I just get that from the "Immortal" bit of the title, but I could be wrong.

The theme of this does strike me as dark which you conveyed well throughout the chapters so I'm expecting this to go darker as the story progresses? Dark stories are always enjoyed. I do like how you've started this and your characters seem to be developing well throughout the chapters so I commend you for that.

I actually really dig the short chapters. They flow more smoothly and just... I don't know how to explain it. I do agree with princess jasmine that sometimes long chapters make it hard to focus on the actual story. Anyway, I don't know if I've read anything of this nature. Are Maria and Mercy truly twins? I love the name Mercy, by the way. So far the story is really interesting and unique, it also helps that your story telling is so very amazing.

This is different than most stories I read, but I enjoyed reading it. I liked that you kept the chapters short and sweet, because super long chapters tend to cause a reader to lose focus after a while. It was a little bit vague, but I think that could be a good thing when it comes to making the theme of the story dark-ish. Really good job :)

Ophelia seems like a total badass, which is pretty good. And I love that the chapters aren't really long, because that can sometimes be a drag for the reader. This plotline is really interesting and kind of gives off like a 50 Shades of Gray-Twilight kinda vibe (only more mature obviously). It's super great, and I have no problem recc'ing this!! :)

Hi love! I've already commented on this and you've only added one chapter since I last commented and checked in on it. I love it still vampires are totally my in thing right now! I love Ophelia though she seems really sarcastic which is definitely a plus for me!

I really love your summary holy crap I wish I could do summaries like this!
I like how short these chapters are but they continue to keep me interested because I have a short attention span so these are perfect.

Overall I loved how dark this story is, I loved how Ophelia acts far superior to humans and thinks they're all foolish

Just saw one thing in Chapter Five "Mine as well." She replied before Maria and snatched her away for a while.
Was that meant to be had snatched her away?

Otherwise this story is perfect

Very sexy... I really love this