I'm the Kind of Human Wreckage That You Love

We had spent the whole day in the bus.

And I had been staying in my bunk the whole time, only getting out to use the bathroom and to grab something to eat or a glass of milk. I hadn’t said a word, and I was planning on keeping it that way.

It was either staying silent or bitching. I knew they’d rather me being bitchy than quiet, that was too abnormal for me, normally I couldn’t shut up…

Cha was probably worried, the girls were probably wondering what was wrong with me and the guys were probably thinking I was a bitch. At least, they were starting to dislike me. I knew it would take a lot of effort to make Cha, Jess and Ash hating me. But I would try my best.

We had finally reached the venue. I pretended to sleep and waited until they all get out of the bus, then when the zone was clear, I climbed off my bunk and went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth.
When I got out, the bus was still empty and I knew I was missing sound check. Jess would probably throw a fist about it if I didn’t show up in ten minutes. I quickly got dressed, not even bothering to pay attention at what I was wearing and hurried towards the stage.

The girls were already taking their places on stage as I quickly grabbed my guitar and walked over to the mike. We played our set list perfectly. No words were exchanged except for the lyrics.

Once the sound check was done, I handed my guitar to one of the Berry brother and walked off stage, still not saying a word.

“You didn’t mess up this time!” said Chris as he went to high-fived me, I high-fived him, with no emotion showing on my face and headed back to the bus.

“Call me when we have to go on stage.” I said to one of the roadie before I left the building and walked back to the bus.

**

I heard my phone ringing a couple times but couldn’t be bothered to take the call since it was Billy or Cha trying to call me. Brian had given up… Thank God! He understood.

I was sitting at the table, drinking my 5th beer and looking at a magazine, reading the latest news about Green Day. I looked through the magazine and saw the interview Billy had told me about. The photos were cool, especially the one where Billy was with his guitar. It kinda reminded me of Brian… I shook my head, trying tog et ride of the thoguths.

I read the interview and was surprised to see that Perfect Nightmare was mentioned a couple times. I made a mental note to thank Billy for that but then remembered my plan and decided against it.

I checked out the time and saw that I only had a couple minutes left before walking on stage. So I decided to start walking there.

Everyone one was already backstage, ready to go. I grabbed my guitar, put the strap over my shoulder and sighed. I had a feeling this wasn’t going to be our best show. Ash had her back purposely turned to me while Jess was glancing worriedly at me and as for Cha… I hadn’t the guts to look at her.

“You’re on!”

I sighed, ran a hand through my hair and took my place on stage. I let Cha interacted with the crowd. I didn’t feel like doing it. The quicker we’ll be over the quicker I can head back to the bus.

The show hadn’t been too bad, and it was time for the last song, our hit. The song our fans had been waiting for.

As always, I mean, like I had been doing since Avenged Sevenfold joined us, I looked backstage to see Brian before starting singing.

When I met his gaze, my breath got stuck in my throat. The look on his face was horrible, pain was written all over it, it was unbearable but yet I couldn’t tear my eyes off his gorgeous face. He was in pain, and it was my fault…

I never expected him to be that hurt, I thought he was just going to be upset about it for a day or so but then he’ll go back to normal.

Obviously, I was mistaken.

Cha started the first notes while I kept my gaze locked on Brian’s face. I turned my head away quickly and gaze at the crowd. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened my mouth to sing but the words wouldn’t come out. Instead of seeing old memories flashing, I saw Brian’s face. He looked like his heart had just been crashed in thousand pieces. I couldn’t sing this song. I held my hand and Cha stopped. I took the mike, my eyes not leaving the crowd.

“Can anyone sing this song?” I asked, trying to steady my voice. Several hands shot up in the air, waving at me. “Right, you come over here!” I said as I pointed to a girl with pink locks. The security guard helped her on stage and I handed her the mike, “What’s your name?”

“Lea” she replied, grinning. I smiled back at her and took a step back, leaving her in the middle of the stage. I gave a thumb up at Cha and she started playing. The girl started singing.

She did a great job.

As soon as the song was over, I ran off stage, tears threatening to fall. I locked myself in the shower room, my back resting against the door as I was hugging my knees and rocking back and forth trying to control my emotions.

“Lyn!” shouted someone from the other side of the door.

“Go away!” I shouted back, wiping my cheeks with my sleeve.

“Open the fucking door girl or I’ll knock it down!” shouted the unmistakable voice of Jess. I pushed myself off the floor and unlocked the door, letting Ash, Jess and Cha in.

“What the hell happened?” asked Ash, glaring at me until she saw my face and then she engulfed me in a tight hug, rubbing small circles on my back.

“Oh Lyn…” whispered Jess before she joined the hug, followed by Cha.

“I’m sorry…” I whispered, wiping the few tears that had escaped.

“What happened?” asked Cha as she closed the door behind her.

“I… I thought the best way for me to manage the situation was to avoid everyone until they all got tired of me and stop trying to talk to me or anything and I thought it worked… But then, I was on stage and I looked backstage and…” I trailed off, biting my lip.

“And?” encouraged me Jess, rubbing my arm.

“And I looked at Brian… and he looked beyond hurt. The look on his face…” I whispered, before I brought my hands to my face and tried to suppress the sob.

“Shh… It’s gonna be okay…”

“No!” I shouted, “It won’t! I fucking broke his heart… Like I didn’t do enough damage when I left him five years ago, I did it again…” I muttered, “I should have fucking leave…” I muttered.

“No!” shouted Cha, placing both hands on my shoulder. “You’re going to listen to me alright? You’re going to walk out of that shower room and you’re going to talk to Billy and then Brian okay?” she said, looking straight at me. I nodded; unable to talk.

“Good. Now let’s go and find Billy before he walks on stage.”