I'd Kiss You Goodbye If I Thought It Would Make You Stay

“No one, will ever see things the way I do. No one will try. All my friends think that I’m gone, but I swear, I swear I’m not.” – The Almost

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There hadn’t been anything really special about the way I had met Michael, when if you think about it. We had obviously met though William when Michael first joined the band. We’d hit it off and started dating seriously a few months later. Simple.

But for some reason, that one crucial night keeps replaying in my mind.

“Will you smile for me, Rae?” Butcher asks, looking up from his sketchbook. I turn my head to glance at him, giving him a blank look.

“I don’t remember how,” I state dully, turning back to the window. He sighs, going back to sketching me as I sit on the opposite couch, hugging my legs and resting my chin on my knees.

“God, this is so boring!” Sisky complains. He’s lying on the living room floor, staring at the ceiling. He sits up straight. “Let’s do something fun!”

I want to tell him I’m even not sure I remember what fun is, but why spread my cancerous depression around and ruin his day?

“Like what?” I ask blankly, keeping still for Butcher. Mike and William are at Jack’s with Michael to edit this week’s T.A.I. TV, so Butcher and Sisky came here to keep me company, since I had refused to tag along.

“I don’t know. Go to the zoo?” he suggests. “Laser tag? Mini-golf?”

“I don’t want to go out,” I inform the two of them.

“Why not, Rae?” Butcher questions. “It’s nice out for once.”

“Because depressed people like to stay indoors,” I lie. Well, I’m depressed and I want to stay indoors, so I’m not lying about that.

“That’s not true. Michael goes outside all the time,” Sisky says, now drawing stick figures in one of Butcher’s sketchbooks. Hearing his name so casually throws me off.

“What?” I ask, completely messing up my pose to look at Sisky. I quickly rearrange myself as to not appear suspicious.

“Huh?” he asks absently.

“You just said Michael was depressed,” I say softly. Butcher stops drawing, and I turn to face Sisky full on.

“Oh. Yeah. Well…can you blame him?” he asks uncomfortably, continuing his picture of Godzilla terrorizing a city of frightened stick figures. I glance at Butcher for confirmation, but now he’s conveniently adding finishing touches to his sketch of me as means to avoid my eyes.

“He misses you,” Sisky continues, finally looking up at me from his spot on the carpet.

And I don’t know what to say to that, so I go back to posing for Butcher and willing myself not to pathetically start crying.

Today would have been our two year anniversary.

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Michael

Mike and William are over, and the four of us are working on TAI TV in Jack’s living room. Sisky and Butcher are with Rae, where I wish I was.

I should say, the three of them are editing while I’m sitting here lost in my thoughts.

I can’t wrap my mind around what happened the other night.

It was obviously the wrong time to try to talk to Rachel; she had been unbelievably drunk. I’ve never seen her like that. And I don’t like it in the slightest, because I’m the one that did it to her, she had said so herself.

It’s my fault she’s unhappy.

I’ve regretted breaking up with her every second since I left.

Lately, it’s been taking all my will power not to drive over to William’s apartment and get on my knees so I can beg her to take my sorry self back.

The only thing that’s been holding me back is my fear of rejection.

I don’t know what I’d do if she flat out said no.

But I do need to talk to her, even if she doesn’t want to talk to me.

I stand up suddenly, as if my body’s telling me to do so right this second.

“Where are you going?” Jack asks, and then they’re staring at me in confusion.

“Um…bathroom,” I say, leaving the room and heading down the hall.