I'd Kiss You Goodbye If I Thought It Would Make You Stay

”Here I am, at home again, this rainy avenue. Put me in my proper place, I’m not the one for you. But you’re here now, can you come in? It’s freezing…” - Ludo

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I wake up to a loud knocking at the front door.

“Bill! Get the door!” I shout sleepily. He doesn’t answer, and the knocking continues.

“Ugh,” I grumble, pulling myself out of bed to briefly fix my hair in the mirror and head for the door.

I rub my eyes before pulling the door open.

I just stand there, frozen in blank shock, staring at him. He steps inside and closes the door behind himself when I don’t move. He hesitantly takes a step closer, but I back away, hugging myself.

“Rae,” he tries. I shake my head frantically, heart pounding. I close my eyes, trying to wish him away.

I open my eyes again, but he’s still there, now a foot in front of me. That nauseous feeling’s coming back and now my head hurts, and I just want him to leave, go away so I never have to feel this way again.

“Rae, can…can we just talk?” I can’t shake my head, but I can’t nod either, so I just stare blankly. “Alright. Then I’ll talk if you’ll listen.” I blink slowly to show my agreement. He sighs in relief and we both sit on the couch. He takes his hat off his head and plays with it in his hands as I watch, waiting for him to say something.

“I feel so stupid,” he says suddenly, laughing humorlessly. “All I’ve wanted to do for the past six months is talk to you, and now I don’t even know how to start.”

He glances at me, but I don’t know how he should start, either. He falls silent again and I look away, studying my hands. I pick at a loose thread on my sleeve as to avoid my annoying habit of rubbing or scratching at my wrist.

“It’s kind of funny,” I begin softly, surprising the both of us. I feel his eyes come to rest on me, but I don’t look at him just yet; it will only mess with my head. “Because I’ve been waiting six months for you to say something, but I don’t know what I’ve been waiting to hear.”

I manage a glance, but he still looks speechless and now flustered as well. I go back to playing with the thread on my sleeve, my hair falling in my face. He hesitantly raises his hand to brush back the loose strands of my hair, his fingers grazing the back of my neck.

I can’t help but shiver at the familiarity of it.

“Please don’t,” I say, almost whispering, because it’s making me feel like that again, and I can’t allow myself to remember. He takes his hand back.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “For everything. I know I don’t have any right to ask for forgiveness, but I’m apologizing anyway, and I just…I just need to know if you might be able to forgive me. And I needed to know, if someday, if you forgive me, do you think…you could give me another chance?”

I’m speechless. And I want to yell YES but I know it can’t be that easy, because nothing’s that easy. I want him back so badly, but I don’t want to be hurt again, and I still don’t know exactly why he broke up with me in the first place. But I want to kiss him but I can’t touch him and it’s killing me and he’s waiting for my answer and I’m keeping him waiting…

“I...I don’t know, Michael. Not anytime soon. I forgive you, but I…I can’t…” I hear myself stuttering, and I’m half regretting my answer as I hear him sigh.

“I understand,” he says. “I just…I needed to know.” He abruptly stands up, placing his hat back on his head. “I guess I should go, then.” I stand up, too, and he turns to go.

“Michael, wait,” I say, stopping him. He looks at me hopefully. I pause, trying to collect myself. “Can we try…being…friends?” I say, figuring it’s better than nothing. He smiles softly at me.

He pulls me into a hug, and I close my eyes, breathing in his familiar scent so that it makes me dizzy with nostalgia.

“I still love you,” he murmurs into my hair, then pulling away. “I’ll wait for you.”

I nod, because I can’t trust myself to say anything more.

And I feel guilty and selfish because I still want him to be mine, but I can’t bring myself to say so.

Because for now, I want him to be mine at a safe distance.