I'd Kiss You Goodbye If I Thought It Would Make You Stay

“Look to the past and remember a smile, and maybe tonight I can breathe for awhile. I’m not in the scene, I think I’m falling asleep, but then all that it means is I’ll always be dreaming of you.” – Blink 182

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We’re playing last tonight for the first show of tour, right after the guys, and it’s hard to keep still since I had too much Monster again, even though I was already hyper enough before then.

I’ve been kicked out of the dressing room by Suzie because I can’t stop talking or jumping around, and apparently I’m giving her highness a headache.

I decide to go watchMichael the guys play, standing off to the side with Tony and Jack as William starts off by asking the crowd: “May I have your attention?”

None of them notice me until halfway through the set, and then Sisky’s making goofy faces at me in between songs, and I notice Michael keeps glancing my way.

I can’t help but smile at him in return, and the way his fingers are sliding up and down the frets without hesitation, it’s like he was born knowing chords.

I find myself wishing I could feel his calloused fingers against my skin again. My cheek, my arm, anything, really.

“That’s gross,” Jack suddenly says from beside me.

“What?” I ask distractedly, not even turning to see what he’s talking about.

“I think you’re actually drooling,” Tony jokes, playfully nudging me with his elbow as my face turns red and Jack chuckles.

“I…I’m just…” I stammer, but truly, there’s no excuse I can use for staring at him.

“It’s okay, it’s not like we’re going to tell everyone,” he assures me, squeezing me around the shoulders in a half-hug.

I sigh, shaking my head and walking away, because right about now I’m still embarrassed and I should be warming up because our set’s in half an hour anyway.

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Seb, Suzie, Jude, and I create a little huddle, and I’m still kind of jumping around because I’m anxious to be on stage already, even though we only have about three minutes until we’re on.

I’m not sure why we do this, but it seems to give us a sense of unity and cohesion when we’re on stage.

“So let’s give these kids the show they paid for,” Seb sums it up pretty well.

“Yeah, so don’t fuck it up again,” Suzie teases, elbowing Jude, and I snort in laughter from the show we’d never let him live down. Let’s just say our first show involved a flying drumstick and some girl he invited to see us play.

“It was hot and my hands were sweaty!” he defends loudly, scowling.

“Yeah, and you wanted to get in Marcy’s pants,” Seb adds, snickering.

“One minute,” Wes informs us, and we break the huddle. Seb’s still laughing at Jude, who looks like he’d enjoy nothing more than to shove his drumsticks up Seb’s nose.

Instead, we run onto the stage, and I’m singing ‘oh, oh,oh’s’ into my mic, and they’re all backing me up in near perfect harmony as the crowd’s singing along. It’s such a rush and I decide that we need to tour more often because I don’t know how I’ve lasted all these months without doing this.

“I never knew that I was dealing with a graduate,
With a major in defensive and a minor in excuses
It’s not that hard to say you’re wrong
Admit it all, go on, go on.

You know I wouldn’t want
To make you feel worse than you should.
But if you were me, you’d do the same
(You know you would, you know would)
It’s not that hard to say you’re wrong,
Admit it all, go on, go on.

Oh, oh, oh…

It’d mean everything,
Just to hear you say to me,
That I was right, and you were wrong
It’s not that hard, go on, go on...

I know you know it’s all your fault,
And I should let this go.
But I need to hear you say it, love.
(It’s principle, it’s principle)
It’s not that hard to say you’re wrong,
Admit it all, go on, go on.

It’d mean everything,
Just to hear you say to me,
That I was right, and you were wrong.
It’s not that hard, go on, go on.

It would mean everything, but you're so smart with those clever eyes...
So I tell you that I love you and I blow you a kiss,
But until you say you’re sorry, well, that’s all you’re gonna get, oh, oh,
That’s all you’re gonna get, oh, oh!

It’s not till after the set that I realize all five of them have been watching from side stage.

I yell a thank you and goodnight to the crowd before running over to them.

I’m panting for breath and practically dripping with sweat, but Michael immediately hugs me anyway, and it’s like we’re that perfect couple again. I close my eyes, hugging him back as his arms slip lower around my waist, which doesn’t exactly help my racing heart calm down. I instinctively rest my head comfortably on his chest before I realize I’m doing it.

We hear a couple awkward coughs and realize we’ve been hugging too long for it to be considered only friendly. My cheeks are flushed pink and his are matching as we pull away, but I can always blame it on being the first show in a long time.