I'd Kiss You Goodbye If I Thought It Would Make You Stay

“If you only once would let me, only just one time, then be happy with the consequence of whatever's gonna happen tonight. Don't think we're not serious, words are ever not. The love we make, is give and it's take, I'm game to play along.”- Jimmy Eat World

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I head for the back of the bus to see if my ipod is in my bunk.

I slide the door open, push the curtain out of the way, and reach for it near my pillow.

I freeze when I hear whispering and giggling coming from the bunk across. I frown, confused.

Suzie’s bunk?

I quickly grab my ipod and go back to the front, sliding the door shut behind me. I sit on the couch next to Bill, Sisky, and Seb, watching tv and trying not to think about what’s going on in the bunk area.

Minutes later, we look up to see Suzie entering from the back, closely followed by-

Mike?!

They don’t notice as I stare at them in shock, my mouth quite literally hanging open.

They take their seats wordlessly, as if they hadn’t just been fooling around in the bunks.

“Suze, wanna go get something to eat?” I ask her.

“No, I’m not very hun-” she starts, but by then I have a hold of her arm and we’re on our way of the bus. “Um…okay?” she says in confusion.

“What were you just doing?!” I demand. “And with Mike? I can’t believe you!”

“What?” she asks innocently. “He’s a good kisser. It’s not like we had sex or anything.”

“Suzie, Mike likes you!”

“What?” she asks in disbelief. I see the blood drain from her face and she looks even paler than usual, which is barely even possible.

“Everyone knows that Mike has a crush on you! Don’t mess around with him like that!”

“I didn’t know!” she exclaims defensively. “How was I supposed to know that? Why didn’t you say something?!” she asks, now rounding on me.

“He asked me not to,” I shrug back. “He told me he wants to ask you out,” I add. “You’re leading him on now. I bet you he actually does ask before tour is over.”

She bites her lip, looking worried.

“Then I’ll just avoid him,” she says, as if it’s really that simple. I roll my eyes at her.

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard today,” I inform her, and she scowls at me.

“Okay, then…what do I do if he asks?” she demands.

“I don’t know, say yes, maybe?” I sarcastically reply.

“That would be so weird!” she points out, whining. “What if he wants me to be his girlfriend or something?!”

“Then that would mean no more flirting with Alex or Gabe,” I inform her, raising my eyebrows and smirking in amusement.

“Damn it, this sucks!” she exclaims loudly before stalking off.

Typical Suzie.

Poor Mike.

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It seems as if the past few weeks have been on fast-forward; tonight’s the last show.

I’m in the dressing room with Seb and Jude, just hanging around, since doors don’t open for another few hours. Suddenly, my phone rings, and I leave the room so I can’t hear Seb and Jude fighting over who gets the last Snapple.

“Guess what?” the voice asks brightly.

“Um, what?” I ask in confusion.

“I’m outside.”

“Courtney, you are not,” I say into my phone, not believing her.

“Am so,” my younger cousin retorts.

“Liar.”

“Rae, just come get me so I can get in and surprise Bill,” she says impatiently, laughing.

“Got it,” I reply, hanging up and making my way out of the venue.

I embrace my cousin as soon as I see her.

“God, Rae! I haven’t seen you in forever!” I wince a little, remembering that reclusive six months of my life in which I had kept to myself.

“What are you doing here?” I demand, letting her go.

“I was in town,” she explains, grinning the crooked Beckett grin at me. “I thought I’d get some pictures of you and the guys,” she adds, and I notice her camera bag slung across her back.

“Great,” I smile, leading her inside after flashing my pass.

Hours later, I’m onstage after the guys’ set, belting my voice to my heart’s content and occasionally strumming my guitar as Suzie plays her bass at the very edge of the stage, as she tends to do. I’m always afraid she’ll fall. Jude is somewhere behind me, never missing a beat, and Seb is to my left, strumming away with his head occasionally bobbing to the rhythm.

This being the last show until the next tour gives us reason to play harder than usual. I know that Michael and the guys are watching from side stage and that Courtney’s snapping away with her photographer’s camera, but I don’t let any of it faze me and keep my full attention focused on the crowd in front of me.

Before I know it, it’s over; we’re backstage, where things are hectic and loud. We eventually head for the busses, where I’m sure the festivities will continue after we’re all showered.

I end up walking next to Michael, and I catch him glancing sideways at me, so I smile.

He smiles back, but it soon falters in hesitance when we look away, and I know why.

Tonight’s the night we part ways again, yet we still don’t know where our future relationship stands.

I’ll admit I haven’t been easy to read, but he’s just as hard.

But whatever happens tonight, I only hope I’ll be able to deal with it.

The things we think might be the same, but I won't fight for more. It’s just not me to wear it on my sleeve, count on that for sure.