Do You Think You're Up For This?

”Come Saturday, you'll come to stay, you'll come to sway in my arms. Who cares if there's a party somewhere, we're gonna stay in.” – The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

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“Rae. Don’t worry about it, okay? We’re fine with being on break. We’ll be out to visit you soon,” Seb tells me, hugging me goodbye at the airport. I nod, although not quite feeling completely reassured.

“Okay. Bye guys,” I say, hugging Jude as well.

I can tell that Suzie’s a little envious of them going back to L.A. as she hugs them goodbye.

Suzie and I walk in the opposite direction towards our boarding gate.

“Rae, you do know we’re not mad at you, don’t you?” Suzie asks, as we sit and wait to be called to board. I shrug. “Bands go on break all the time. You’re making it out to be a big deal, and it’s not.”

“I don’t mind break, just the circumstances,” I argue. “I’m sorry for being dramatic, but I’m pregnant. I can’t not worry about it.”

“I know, Rae. You just need to know that no one’s mad at you.”

“I just don’t know what’s going to happen.” I lower my voice considerably. “We were supposed to be in the studio for the next album by now. And how are Michael and I supposed to take care of a new baby when we’re either busy or traveling on tour half the time?”

“You know how many people are going to help you out. You have me, Courtney, Bill, your parents, all the guys, and Michael’s family- I don’t know anyone who’s not going to want to help you.”

“You’re right. I don’t mean to overreact all the time,” I sigh. “I’ve been meaning to ask you, did something happen back in New York?” I ask curiously. I obviously noticed her strange behavior over the last week of tour, but I’ve been waiting to ask about it in case it would make her uncomfortable around all the guys.

“What do you mean?” she replies.

“You’ve been a little weird since we hung out with everyone at Victoria’s.”

“Um…IkissedAlexattheparty,” she says, a failing attempt to sound nonchalant.

“You did what?” I ask incredulously.

“Shh…” she says, looking around. “It was an accident, alright? End of story.”

“What are you doing about Mike?”

“We’re not on break anymore. I was drunk, and it was a mistake.” She looks away.

“You’re not telling Mike?” I clarify, still trying to get this through my mind.

“Are you crazy?” she hisses. “Of course not, we're barely stable right now!”

“But-”

“Now boarding seats 1-30, section B,” the loudspeaker says.

“That’s us,” Suzie points out, standing up.

I should be used to this by now.

Suzie will always help me through my problems, but hardly lets anyone help with her own.

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Suzie

“I missed you so much, Suze,” Mike whispers in my ear, hugging me tightly, when him and Michael arrive at the airport to pick us up.

“I missed you too,” I reply, not realizing how true it is until the words are coming out of my mouth. I bury my face in his chest. “I’m sorry,” I apologize again.

“I’m just glad you’re back.” He grabs my hand with his left, using his right to drag my suitcase behind us while we walk to his car.

We drop Michael and Rae off at their apartment then head to ours. The car is silent when they leave. It irritates me to the point that I have to turn on the radio to some crappy station just so I don’t have to listen to the two of us breathe. Inhale. Exhale.

“How was it?” Mike asks, turning it down while he parks the car.

“Good,” I answer, maybe a little too quickly. “It’s just weird to think we’re not going to be doing anything for the next five or six months.”

“Break should be good. You were all working too hard anyway. You don’t want to burn yourselves out.”

He leaves my suitcase in the trunk to get in the morning and we head into our building.

The door’s barely closed behind us before I’m pressed into the wall by Mike’s body, his mouth attached to mine. His kiss is hungry, begging for more, tongue tangling with mine, giving me what Alex wouldn’t.

I don’t hesitate to kiss back, or to start unzipping his pants; it’s been that long since I’ve wanted this with him.

Our clothes drop to the floor one by one on our way to the bedroom until I’m down to my mismatched bra and underwear and him to his boxers, the only sound being made by our labored breathing. Inhale. Exhale.

His teeth and tongue tease my skin as his mouth travels over my almost-bare body. I shiver, feeling him smirk against my skin as I dig my nails into his, trying to suppress moans as if it will keep my secret.

But I can’t tell him. I won’t.

I don’t know if I can bring myself to hurt him like that.